Nationwide Poll Disproves Modern Physics

A nationwide Gallup Poll published this week found that modern physics is wrong. The poll consisted of just one question: “Is modern physics wrong?” Of the 5 million respondents, 97 percent said yes.

“I mean, come on now,” said Michael Glongling, a guy. “I can’t recall ever seeing something behave as both a particle and a wave. And if E equals mc-squared, then why can’t I just turn some of the junk in my car into energy and heat it up a bit? Both common sense and everyday experience clearly tell us that modern physics is wrong, and I’m still baffled at how this elaborate pseudoscientific scam has stuck around for so long.”

Kampuss Kutie - Kat Brewer '17

Interviewer: Benjamin Wahlberg

Name: Katherine “Kat” Lauren Brewer

Year: Sophomore 2017

Major: Media and Professional Communications Minor: History US

Hometown: Colorado Springs, Colorado

Relationship Status: Single

Tumblr: steveprettyperry.tumblr.com

Time and Location: 11am-11:41am Monday November 10^th 2014, Peet’s Coffee

Macy’s announces this year’s Black Friday sales started a decade ago

By Hannah Lynn

As Black Friday sales become increasingly hectic, retailers race to open earlier and earlier. Some open at 5 a.m on Friday, others open at 10 p.m on Thanksgiving day. This year, Macy’s revealed that this year’s sales have already happened.

According to Macy’s executive Dill Doman, the company commissioned several top scientists from around the world to work on a time machine that would allow them to go back several years and implement the sales. “It seemed like the next logical step. In order to stay on top of the competition, we simply had to build a high tech time travel machine that scientists previously thought to be impossible,” Doman said. “Where do you think all those ‘one-day’ sales come from?”

New App Helps Avoid Old Classmates

Schmucks to be ducked

Don’t want to run into a high school acquaintance you know just enough to feel obligated to exchange small talk with while home for the break? Tired of ducking behind aisles in stores or looking away on the street upon seeing someone whose goings-on matter even less now because they never have?

“Don’t worry, you rude bastard, they probably feel the same way about you!” exclaimed Garry Snaroomph, inventor of the “Duck that Schmuck” smartphone app that collects location data from your friends’ smartphones and shows you all of their locations on the same map. When the app sees that two people put each other in the Black List, it sends both of them directions to safely avoid even seeing each other.

Audience a Freaking No-Show (Yet Again) for Bagpiper's Field of Wheat Concert

“Sure, I get that the photo-ops look cool when I’m playing my pipes into the distance, but seriously, what the f*ck!” local bagpiper, Arran Barber, lamented to ‘Pittiful News’ reporters.

Comet Lander Annoyed at Parent Still Orbiting Above

Philae, the teenage spacecraft who landed on Comet 67P two days ago after more than ten years in space, reported feeling “pretty flippin exasperated” at his mother Rosetta still orbiting around the comet after his landing.

“Like, OHMYGAWD this woman just won’t leave me alone, like I’m still a tiny kid or something,” Philae beamed across 316 million miles to the European Space Operations Centre. Officials there said that Philae had been hoping for some nice alone time to brood on the mysteries of the world and his brilliant exceptionality. One day after landing, when he psst'd the Centre and furtively asked why the old lady was still there, the news that Rosetta would be orbiting the comet for another 13 months crushed his binary dreams of freedom and solitude.

Man Honored for Heroically Fighting Imaginary Enemies

This Veterans Day, Allegheny County honored its resident Keith Monvick for 20 years of brave battle against enemies he relentlessly keeps imagining. The recognition ceremony, held at Soldiers & Sailors Memorial Hall, took place under extra heavy guard against them goddamn bastards who are out to get us, as per Movick’s request.

One Direction knock-off? Think again!

By Hannah Lynn

A few years ago, One Direction made their debut on “The X-Factor.” This year, there’s a new boy band in town. They go by the name Overload Generation. The top picture is Overload Generation and the bottom picture is One Direction. I think. Simon Cowell called Overlord Gentrification a Volkswagon Beetle while One Discretion is a Ferrari. They were kicked off the show, but have no fear, there are more to come! Now introducing seven very real and very unique groups of singing boys!

• Ovary Connection
• Oreo Attention
• Oracle Depression
• Orthopedic Migration
• Open Menstruation
• Orphan Definition
• Okra Confession

Chris Columbus Tired of Having His Name Dragged Through Muck

By Cassandra DellaCorte

"I get that the Native peoples of the Americas want credit for a day off," Chris Columbus said, "but hey, I'm a prominent Hollywood figure!" Best known for his role in directing and/or producing such blockbusters as “The Help,” “Home Alone,” “Mrs. Doubtfire,” and many of the Harry Potter movie series, Columbus has surely established himself as a force to be reckoned with in the American film industry. 

Naturally, Columbus was upset when reports of his part in the deaths of millions of indigenous Americans began to surface. "Honestly, I'd rather talk about my directing work in ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’ than have to deal with these cruel rumors," Columbus stated, further pointing out that he had never ordered anyone's hands chopped off and would never encourage the sexual enslavement of pre-teen girls.

When asked why he chose "1492 Productions" for the name of his production company if these rumors were false, Columbus admitted in a whisper that that was his bank PIN, and he was worried about forgetting another number. "So please, can you all just enjoy your Columbus Day? Maybe marathon the ‘Night At the Museum’ or ‘Fantastic Four’ movies? I'm sure we can find another day for the celebration of indigenous cultures," Columbus concluded.

Four Fancy Cocktail Recipes for College Kids

By Mike Citrola

1. The Pepto-Bismol Mojito- Muddle doubts about the palatability of this drink. Mix Pepto-Bismol, white rum, and sprite. Pour over ice. 

2. The Ramen Bloody Mary- Mix canned tomato soup, one packet of ramen seasoning, and as much vodka as you’ll need to forget you’ve made this terrible drink. Pour over ice.

3. The Tom Collin’s- Mix whatever you could pilfer from your floormates, Tom and Collin. Pour over ice.

4. Manhattan- Mix bourbon, bitters…um, wait. Realize you don’t have bitters. What even are bitters? Whatever, it’s only like a dash. Then add, WTF, vermouth?! Nevermind. Just pour bourbon over ice.

Pittiful Crossword!

By Phil Forrence

We bring you the first ever crossword puzzle from the Pittiful News! It's a tough one so good luck.

Real-life Monster Lurks Around Pitt Campus

By Hannah Lynn

Last Monday started out like any other for sophomore Stanley Hudson until he saw a shadow lurking in the corner of the Cathedral basement. “I didn’t know what it was,” Hudson said. “I went to follow it down the hall because it didn’t look human, but when I turned the corner all I saw was a tail disappearing through the door.”

Earlier this year, upon the arrival of the new chancellor Patrick Gallagher, The Pittiful News reported the 100% true story that Mr. Gallagher is in fact a lizard person. What Hudson saw was not a lizard, not a man, but THE GALLAGATOR.

PTO President Sends Threats via Edible Arrangements

By Sharon George

Candice Goldman, 35, of Appleton, Wisconsin has recently been charged with sending threatening Edible Arrangements to fellow PTO members. In a statement released today Goldman says, “I wasn’t threatening them, god no I would never! It’s just that I feel like Laura, my daughter-- she’s actually talking all AP classes this year on top of being the Captain of her dance troupe can you believe it? I feel like we’re the only ones who really get it, and excuse me for wanting to send that message to the other moms in a fun and fruity way”.

Communications Professor Bans Phrase, “I was gonna say”; Blows Minds

By Mike Citrola

“They’re all dead,” said Dr. Vanessa Meade, professor at Pitt’s Communications department, about her twenty students whose heads exploded.

Meade’s Rhetorical Process class last Wednesday started like any other, but everything changed when she asked the students to simply stop using the phrase “I was gonna say” before their comments in class discussions. “Too many students rely on that phrase to introduce their participatory statements,” Meade recounted. “I never understood that. They raise their hands and, when I call on them, they go, ‘well, I was gonna say,’ and then their idea. Where’s the logic in that? This is literally your first opportunity to say that idea. When else were you going to say it, before I asked the question? You weren’t going to say it; you are about to say it. So I told them that from then on, no one was allowed to precede their comments with ‘I was gonna say.’”

Climate Marchers Realize Fossil Fuels are Great

By Lilian Sun

On September 21, 2014, a huge assembly of environmentalists, hippies, and stoners that supported the continuation of life on earth gathered in New York City to encourage the United Nations’ climate change summit to do something, as opposed to their usual agenda of doing nothing. But the peoples’ drive and enthusiasm to stop climate change soon dissolved when they encountered three Caucasian males standing in the middle of the march holding signs and wearing t-shirts that read “I love fossil fuels."

“It was like, one second I wanted to stop climate change, and the next I was thinking ‘what am I doing here?’,” one confused marcher said. “After those guys gave me their flier I wanted to become a trucker and go on random joy rides cross country while investing in coal mines and tar sands. Actually, that sounds like a really great plan. I think I’m going to do it right now.” As if hypnotized, the marcher stumbled away from the march. People report that they saw the man jump inside a random truck and drive off, but he was instantly stuck in traffic and had to wait several hours to get out of the city.

Top 10 Most Terrifying Halloween Costumes

By Hannah Lynn

The Pittiful News witnessed some pretty frightening stuff over the weekend. Here are some of the most bone-chilling costumes seen around town. If they were even costumes...

1. The crippling anxiety of an existential crisis
2. Centipede
3. Blue Steel brothers from "Breaking Bad"
4. Bruce Jenner's "face"
5. Yourself on the first day of high school
6. Robin Thicke
7. A boom box playing "Let it go" on repeat endlessly
8. Curdled milk
9. Headless Horse
10. Darren Wilson

Convenience of Segway totally worth social stigma, study finds

By John Meyer

A report from Logger Hunks Journal - a monthly publication that reviews foreign policy and local curiosities - found that Segways’ speedy and effortless transportation potential is more than worth the inevitable social consequences of looking like a real goober.

"The Pittiful News” Uncovers New, Stranger Abe Lincoln/JFK Similarities

For years, historians and even some conspiracy theorists have latched onto a number of similarities between the life stories of Presidents Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. “The Pittiful News” has been fortunate enough to hold a massive archive of presidential records, some even indicating stranger and more powerful coincidences. Beware, reader, for some facts go from trivial happenings to downright supernatural similarities.

Spooky Story: The Sinister Secret of Pumpkin Spice

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Ah, it's fall! Beautiful foliage, cool weather, and fun clothes! But there's a secret darkness lurking. In your coffee, your pies, all manner of sweet edibles- we call it pumpkin spice. Sure, it tastes like a fun, seasonal blend of our favorite squash, cinnamon and nutmeg, but it's real content is much darker. It's ground-up shelter cats.

Fun and Flirty Ways to Tell Your Boyfriend That You Ate Your Twin in the Womb

By Sharon George


Get him a nesting doll with a card that reads “same.”

Is he a history buff? Well then he’ll love this culturally significant gift! Historical facts are always a good conversation starter, and he'll love your story about how you absorbed the corpse of your dead twin.

Make it sexy!

14 Secretly Jewish Celebrity Revealed

By Mike Citrola (is Jewish)

The longstanding rumor that Jews control the media has steadily declined over the years, but The Pittiful News recently uncovered new evidence of many A-list celebs faking gentile.
Here is the exclusive list of media elite with their true, chosen names.

Fox News to Offer Degree in Islamophobia

Fox News will be offering a degree in Islamophobia starting this November, said Jeremy Fluggins, the initiative’s educational director and the head of the Mass Misleadia Corporation.

“Our goal is to inculcate in fellow Americans a passionate hatred and fear of Islam and Muslims,” Fluggins said, lamenting how dull the lives of paranoid ranters have been since the fun old days of McCarthyism. “We need to be on guard: ISIS and the deranged Oklahoma City beheader have shown us Islam, and for our purposes that’s enough.”

Local Man Accidentally Brings Scented Candle to Vigil

Embarrassed, humiliated, aromatic, local man, Daniel Tomak, expressed deep regret to all those at the vigil wake for invigorating the somber occasion with his Bahama Breeze Yankee Candle. Witnesses at the event reported feeling very saddened by the community’s loss, then, all of a sudden, remarkably delighted by the familiar scent of a tropical zephyr dancing on the tips of the group’s collective noses.