Nicolas Cage to Play Nicolas Cage in Nicolas Cage Biopic: An Interview

     A film production we all saw coming, Nicolas Cage has signed a $30 million development deal with Universal Studios to produce what Cage says is “the best movie since the Bible”. Our reporters then informed Mr. Cage that the Bible was not a movie but was, in fact, a book. Mr. Cage’s responded by asking if casting was still underway for the role of God.

     Aside from early mishaps in our interview, our time talking to Mr. Cage was absolutely enlightening. We asked Cage to speak a little bit about the film. “It’s been a great challenge,” Cage said. “The role itself was easy because I am Nic Cage. However, in many ways, the role was very challenging because I am not Nic Cage.” Before we could ask Cage to elaborate he soiled himself and tried to blame it on, quote, “the dogs.” There were no dogs. Aware of this, Mr. Cage then proceeded to eat multiple cans of dog food. We told him that eating dog food did not prove that there was a dog in the room. Mr. Cage responded, “Well, then why are there all these empty dog food cans in here?”

     Once he was cleaned, Cage’s temperament improved slightly. We asked Cage what prompted him to make the film. “A lot of things, really,” Cage quipped. “The depth of the film is really three-fold. First, the film had to occur with Nic Cage in it. I find him fascinating. So that’s one fold. The second fold is I wanted Nic Cage to be portrayed by Nic Cage. The third fold is that I actually spent forty months trapped inside a cage to really get into the role. I had no food and no water and I had to survive by eating all the movie scripts I’ve accepted. Though there is scientifically only one calorie worth of nutrition in an average one-hundred-twenty page script, I was able to live comfortably on a two thousand calorie a day diet. For water, I did what all good Nicolas Cages do and subsist on the bear urine I keep in a bag in my pocket.” Mr. Cage then offered us a taste of his bear urine saying, “C’mon we’re all friends here.”

     The awkwardness subsided and we asked Cage what he finds most rewarding about the film. Cage said, “It’s not necessarily the thrill of making a film that gets me. It’s really about the respect you gain from your friends and animals. Rabbits and such. I once spent sixty days having a conversation with a marmoset only to find that I was speaking to my own pubic hair. But regardless, there’s also the incentive of award. Now, I don’t know if many folks know this. But every year, there’s an award ceremony called ‘The Cage’s Choice Award’. It goes to whoever portrays Nic Cage the best that year as judged by myself, Nic Cage. You’d think I’d win it every year. I mean, c’mon. I am Nic Cage. But I’ve actually lost it every year to the squirrels in my yard. They nail it every time.” Following that comment, Nic Cage asked our journalist if they wanted to see his blueberries. We declined and exited the Santa Monica Burger King Cage has been living in for thirty non-consecutive years.