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Interviewer: Benjamin Wahlberg
Name: Katherine “Kat” Lauren Brewer
Year: Sophomore 2017
Major: Media and Professional Communications Minor:
History US
Hometown: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Relationship Status: Single
Tumblr: steveprettyperry.tumblr.com
Time and Location: 11am-11:41am Monday November 10th
2014, Peet’s Coffee
Kat Lauren Brewer: Seems pretty casual.
Pittiful News: So it seems like we start, I just get
Name, Year, Major, Hometown, and Relationship Status; that seems to be the
block. Do you want to be listed as Katherine “Kat” Lauren Brewer?
KLB: Sure.
PN: What’s your year?
KLB: I am a sophomore, so I guess class of 2017.
PN: Cool. What’s
your major?
KLB: Media and
Professional Communications.
PN: Got a
minor on that thing?
KLB: I do. I have
a History Minor.
PN: History of what?
KLB: History of
the United States. I’m considering a history double major, but we’ll see.
PN: What
are you trying to do with that?
KLB: Professional
writing, it’s a lot of grants, some fundraising proposals, letters.. It’s
basically just professional writing.
PN: Sounds
good. Where ya come from?
KLB: Colorado
Springs, Colorado!
PN: Oo, fun
fun!
KLB: Everyone
always thinks Colorado is cooler than it is.
PN: Nah, it’s just cuz they legalized the weed.
KLB: That’s true,
but now a lot of other places did too, but we were the first.
PN: A lot is
not 4. Um, and your relationship status?
KLB: Single.
PN: Alright,
so, I came up with some questions, yeah, just um, I hope you’ll be. I got
really tired last night and just kept on typing.. You’ll be, you’ll be
KLB: Got a little
crazy goin’ on…
PN: Alright,
so- Let me make sure this is on-Alright, so like, What’s your thing?
KLB: My thing?
PN: Yeah, your thing.
KLB: Wow, I feel
like that’s very broad for a question.
PN: Alright,
what’s your crusade? Or like your ideal-
KLB: My search
for the Holy Grail.
PN: Yeah,
okay, cool, so search for Holy Grail… You have an ideal legacy?
KLB: I was
actually thinking about that last night, because I once had a guy tell me that
like everybody is destined for greatness, and whether or not you achieve it
determines, like, is dictative of how much you did with your life. And I was
thinking about that, because it really bothered me, because my ideal life, all
I want is like a white picket fence and a nicely manicured lawn and a cat,
maybe like 4, 5 cats. Preferably like a little cottage type house near a large
body of water- I’d take a river, I’d take an ocean.
PN: That’s
beautiful.
KLB: Thank you.
PN: Can I join you?
KLB: Haha!
PN: Seems to
also be a really standard question: What are you involved with on campus?
KLB: I row.
Boats. For the crew team.
PN: Boats.
KLB: Boats. Boats
and Hoes.
PN: What do
you row?
KLB: What do we
row?
PN: What do you row?
KLB: We row 8s
mostly. And I’m also part of the Resident Student Association, Executive Board.
It’s a good time.
PN: Oo, what
do you do on that?
KLB: I’m a programming chair, so I program all of the events. Like we did the Non-Alcoholic
Mix-Off in mid-October, so that was my deal.
PN: So like
Sex in the Lounge?
KLB: No, that’s
the RAs but we work with them. So we like kind of sponsor the funding, whatnot.
Did you know that you can get free condoms for any University sponsored event?
PN: HUH! But
you can’t get them for free at the Health Center?
KLB: You can’t?
PN: No!
KLB: Really?
PN: You
can’t get free condoms at the Health Center.
KLB: Really?
PN: Yeah! Pitt is (I say jokingly) pro-STI and
pregnancy.
KLB: Apparently!
PN: It’s
weird that they don’t understand that, but-
KLB: I know,
especially with all the training you have to do, coming in Freshman year, you
have to take all those tests about like, it’s like Alcohol EDU, but for sexual
awareness. It’s all about how you should always double up with protection- kind
of hard to do if you’re not offering free condoms. I mean I could go buy them,
but I’m also in college and I don’t want to buy things.
PN: I mean, you can just wait around for
Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force to table or Rainbow Alliance like it’s their job,
because it is their job.
KLB: You know
(some name)? I can’t pronounce her last name. She’s part of Campus Women’s
Organization, and if you ever need free condoms, hit her up.
PN: I’m all
about finding the free condoms. Alright, whats your- Wait, was there anything
else you’re involved with on campus?
KLB: That’s about
it, crew team sucks up a lot of time. It’s almost a 24 hour thing.
PN: Were you
doing crew in like high school, too?
KLB: No, we don’t
have a lot of opportunities for that in Colorado, but I just like water. I
didn’t realize the Allegheny was a disgusting body of water.
PN: It’s
gross. It’s really gross.
KLB: In the 80s,
our coach found some dead bodies. … So fun.
PN: What’d he do with them? What do you do with
dead bodies?
KLB: I think he
just like called the cops and they were like ‘Cool,’ and came and checked them
out.
PN: Alright,
I know you’re a classic rock fan, What the last song you were jamming to,
your band of the week?
KLB: Always Eric
Clapton. There is no band of the week, it is always Eric Clapton, and then
Journey, very close after that. Very close. This morning it was Patience by
Guns N’ Roses.
PN: That’s
some good stuff; I was having a big Bon Jovi week, uh, last week.
KLB: Nice.
PN: Uh, Is
there any music you just can’t stand?
KLB: No? I’m not
a big fan of country or rap, but I do prefer country over rap. Okay, and it
depends on the country. Willie Nelson? I can get behind that. Taylor Swift, who
is no longer apparently country, I cannot get behind her. Not a fan of her, as
a person.
PN: Alright, What question do you always want
people to ask you? (Pause) Like, Hm, I really hope someone asks me this.
KLB: Hm. I like
debating things, but recently, it’s come up a lot recently: Why I hate John
Green.
PN: Oo oo!
Yeah. Why do you hate John Green? Is it the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, or is
it…?
KLB: It’s part of
that, but it’s also because I think he tends to romanticize serious topics that
should not be taken lightly. I haven’t read any of his books, but I get the
general premise and I’ve seen the movies, and I’m just- they all deal with
serious topics that deal with kids our age. And it’s always the Manic Pixie
Dream Girl with like the perfect boy, and he sees her as a disaster, but that
he can fix that disaster- and that’s not true. You cannot fix a
disaster. Love cannot fix a disaster. That person needs to fix
themselves.
PN: That’s
solid. That’s really good. Yeah, that’s the reason I’ve never read a John Green
book. Cuz I don’t need a Manic Pixie Dream Girl book. I don’t need that.
KLB: That’s not the way the world is. It’s not like “Ohmigawd you
experience a traumatic event as a child, let me love you, because that makes
you beautiful.” So because I didn’t experience a traumatic event, cuz, both my
parents are married and have been for 28 years, because I have a great family
life, I’m not beautiful, John Green?
PN: *Gets up
to get scone* *Comes back with scone* Alright, elevator pitch your tumblr
StevePrettyPerry.tumblr.com. Elevator Pitch it.
KLB: So I have 15
seconds?
PN: Yeah. Sure.
KLB: Steve Perry
is a fantastic human being who was lead singer of one of the greatest 80s Rock
bands of all time. He’s also beautiful.
PN: That’s a
good enough pitch. I’m following you.
KLB: There is a
wild, a surprisingly active and wild, Steve Perry fandom on tumblr. I’m more on
the side where I admire his work and voice as opposed to the 19 year old girls
who are overly infatuated with a 65 year old man, but you know we all get along!
PN: I
want to hear a story. Tell me a story.
KLB: A story…
Okay. Okay. One time, we were supposed to do, like, second practices for
rowing, and most of the time, like, that’s just fine, I’ll do it. But this one
time, our coach wanted us to go on a 60 minute run, and I don’t run. So I was,
like, I’ll go on a 40 minute run, and then just come back and do some cooldown
stretches. So I went for my 40 minute run, and I ended up near the Carnegie
Library, where I had never been before. So I just went in there, because it
looks like a really pretty building. And it is! So I went in and I found this
weird hallway next to the bathrooms where, like, they display a bunch of art.
PN: I know
exactly where you’re talking about.
KLB: So I’m just
looking at the art, minding my own business, until my 60 minutes of “running”
ran out- hahah- and this dude comes out behind me and is like “Did you make any
of this?” and I’m like “No…” cuz it’s all done by elementary schoolers. And he
says “Oh, then why are you here?” “I’m just looking at it.” And he’s like,
“Wow, that’s really cool.” And he started talking to me about my life and his
life, and I’m pretty sure that he was the second reincarnation of Jesus, this
little Indian man, he could’ve been, you know what I mean? Basically told me,
“Never write fiction, because what’s the point in pretending as if the real
world doesn’t exist?” Told me, “Travel
abroad now, while you still can.” It was, it was interesting, I feel like, I
feel like it was a scene out of a movie or something. But I do feel like I
learned a lot from him. His alarm went off and he just walked away.
PN: You get back to rowing on time?
KLB: Mhm. Yeah.
PN: Nice
little step out of the world. Was there a theme to the art?
KLB: It was like,
represent Pittsburgh, one girl who made a dress out of a bunch of photos. One
kid drew a picture of a bunch of kids eating Dave & Andy’s ice cream. I
have no idea how a 5th grader made a dress, but I’m not from here,
but I feel really connected, so I’m like Pittsburgh!
PN: Alright,
what do you look for in a partner?
KLB: Whenever I
take the BuzzFeed quizzes, I say loyalty. But at this point in my life,
probably just, like… I like people who are really easy going; it’s cliché, but
people who make me laugh. I’m not really … I’m not a huge romantic and I don’t
tend to jump into things very quickly. I tend to like things that are more
casual.
PN: What do
you mean by “casual?”
KLB: I mean I
don’t remember the last time I actually had a boyfriend like boyfriend. But,
like, that’s not to say I haven’t been in a relationship. It’s just- just doin’
me.
PN: I respect that. (typing, typing) What’s
your favourite joke?
KLB: Okay, my
best friend made this his Facebook status the other day.
PN: What was
it?
KLB: My best
friend made this his Facebook status, let me remember. I think it was: The
cheese factory in France exploded. There was debris(deBRIE) everywhere.
Emphasis on debris.
PN: (laughter,
choughing)
KLB: (laughter)
I’m a fan of puns.
PN: I knew I
would get a good one out of that answer. I follow something called PunGents Pun
of the Day which is just a really painful pun every morning. At like four in
the morning.
KLB: Ha! Four in
the morning.
PN: So I’m
either still up or I’ll read it in the morning and just groan. The cheese
factory exploded, there was debrie everywhere. Thanks I’ll giggle about that for a while. Super
Power? Either a real one that you have or the one you want to have.
KLB: …Telepathy.
PN: Oh, Why?
Wait, do you really have that?
KLB: No… I wish I
did. It just seems like you could work it to your benefit, but it’s also not
entirely invasive. Cuz, I didn’t want to say reading minds, cuz I don’t wanna
know all that. I don’t want to know what other people are thinking.
PN: What’s
the difference between telepathy and mind reading?
KLB: Telepathy is
essentially forcing people to your will. Whereas mind reading is knowing what’s
up.
PN: Oooh,
okay.
KLB: Or at least,
that’s how I interpret it, but I could be entirely wrong.
PN: Okay, you a Harry Potter fan?
KLB: Oh, hell
yeah.
PN: Telepathy
would be like, um, would be like the Imperius Curse?
KLB: Yes.
PN: But mind
reading is Legilimens?
KLB: Yes. That is
exactly it.
PN: Alright.
KLB: Haha. That
is a great analogy.
PN: I’m digging through Book Five again, like a
chapter a week.
KLB: I have them
all on audiobook, and during winter training, when the crew team is inside, and
we just have to erg and really shiddy things, I just listen to them, like back
and forth.
PN: What’s
your favourite Harry Potter book?
KLB:
Uh, oo, probably the fourth one. I just really like The Tri-Wizard Tournament.
Probably the coolest thing. But I also like Sirius, Sirius is my favourite
character, so for that aspect I really like the third and the fifth book. But
then in the fifth book, when he dies, and I don’t think there’s ever been a
time that I’ve read it and have not cried at least a little bit. But probably
the fourth. Get a little bit of Sirius in there.
PN: You do
get a little bit of Sirius. He gives Harry some guidance.
KLB: Yeah, head
in the fire.
PN: Yeah! I
think it was this time only that I really got how dark Four gets at the end.
KLB: Like
literally and figuratively.
PN: You think about five and you’re like, “Oh,
Harry complains all the time.”
KLB: Yeah.
PN: No, he’s
suffering from PTSD.
KLB: Probably,
probably.
PN: Cedric
was killed. In front of him.
KLB: Everyone is
like “Harry, get over it.” It’s just Cedric. And nobody cares.
PN: “People
die all the time, Harry.”
KLB: “And it’s
like kind of because of you.” Harry’s like, “It’s kind of because of me.” And
they’re like “Harry, shut up. We don’t care about your problems.” Remember when
Potter Puppet Pals was a thing?
PN: Yes!
KLB: Ohmigawd
“Teenage Angst!” I quote that all the time and nobody ever understands. Those
are great. Remember when Tony Hawk was cool? I like bringing that up a lot. I
think it’s a nice way to start conversations, cuz people either say Tony Hawk
is still cool, or they agree with me, “Yeah, good times.”
PN: Remember
when Tony Hawk was cool? That’s going in, that’s going in for sure. Alright,
uh, what’s your perfect date?
KLB: What is that
they say in Miss Congeniality? April 25th.
PN: Alright,
that’s a really good answer.
KLB: It’s not too
hot and it’s not too cold. I was thinking about this earlier, probably it would
just be going somewhere where neither of us had gone before, because at least
that gives you something to talk about. I also enjoy museums and places like
Phipps where there’s a lot to look at. I went to the rock museum the other day,
or it wasn’t the rock museum, it was just the Carnegie Museum, but I was in the
rock section, and I was fangirling really hard over the rocks.
PN: I love
the Hall of Gems and Minerals!
KLB: Who knew?!
PN: You down
for Hall of Gems and Minerals after this? How much time you got?
KLB: I’d never
been there before, and I was just going with my friend, cuz she had a project
and I didn’t want to leave because rocks!
PN: That’s one helluva hall. That’s actually been
improved in my living here; looks so good now.
KLB: You’re from
here?
PN: Yeah,
grew up in Squirrel Hill.
KLB: Okay.
PN: That’s
really nice; so going to a new place, lot to look at, I dig it. Where would
you never want to go on a date?
KLB: Church.
PN: Church!
No church dates.
KLB: No church
dates!
PN: Alright, um, let’s see, ah, the next question
is, um, not about dates, but uh, What’s your favourite?
KLB: My favourite?
Eric Clapton. I also really like my cat, he’s named Maestro. He’s extremely
fat. I also like boats.
PN: That’s
Maestro spelled M-A-
KLB: M-A-E-S-T-R-O.
PN: Okay, you
also like boats?
KLB: I also like
boats.
PN: Boats. Specific
boats? Or…?
KLB: Um, I just
like boats.
PN: Just boats.
KLB: Just boats.
PN: Magnets?
KLB: Yeah.
PN: Milksteak?
KLB: Hahaha!
Milksteak!
PN: Haha!
KLB: Hahah!
Yaaaass. Oh, Netflix, I love Netflix. Netflix definitely my favourite.
PN: Hah, I
can’t believe I wrote “What’s your favourite?” down! Um, Does this lump look
like anything to you?
KLB: Haha! Wait,
let me see?
PN: This one right here. Does that look like
anything?
KLB: No. I mean,
you should probably get it checked out.
PN: Alright,
thanks. Uh, What’s the deal with Thursday?
KLB: I like
Thursdays. Thursdays are like that awkward period where it’s almost the
weekend, but you probably still have some stuff to get done, but you know that
you’re almost there. So it’s kind of more optimistic than say, Mondays, where
you know you have a bunch of stuff to get done and you’re not even
close.
PN: So that’s pretty much the deal with Thursdays. Um, Do you know
that guy?
KLB: No, but, no.
But he has nice shoes?
PN: (typing)
No, but he has nice shoes. Alright, the next question is, uh: Why?
KLB: Why not?
PN: The next question is, uh: Why not?
KLB: You tell me.
PN: You tell
me! (“Another Saturday Night” is playing on Peet’s Coffee’s radio- don’t know
if anyone cares, but it’s a good song, ya know. ) Uh, How many cats is too
many. Really think about it.
KLB: Okay, I will
tell you this, which people are always surprised to hear that, in the town I
come from, you are only legally allowed to have up to four cats.
PN: Oo.
KLB: So, thus, as
a previous owner of four cats, I’d say that five cats is too many.
PN: Five is
too many! Legally. (laughter) Is that also, like personally too many?
KLB: I think,
yeah, I mean, consider how many litter pans you need for five cats. Five.
PN: Yeah.
KLB: Five.
PN: They
won’t just use the same one? My three
cats at home all use the same litter box.
KLB: I don’t
know, I always made my brother do that.
PN: Fair.
KLB: Yeah, so, I
think the number of cats you have depends on who you are also living with who
are also willing to take care of the litter box. I’ll take care of the cats. I
just won’t do any litter. I’m also don’t like feeding them. Wet food, wet food
freaks me out. I’ll dry feed them. I just like the cuddling aspect.
PN: Alright, Where do they make Made In China
stickers?
KLB: That is a
good question. I’m assuming in China, but it could be so many places. Holy
shid. Wow. Why aren’t you allowed to cut the tags off of pillows? Do you think
that, for all those, you know how, like, toilet paper dispensers, they have
stickers that say like how to insert the toilet paper? Is that its own
business, or do you think that the toilet paper companies also make those
stickers? Those are the things that keep me up at night. Is that its own
enterprise?
PN: Uh, Who
delivers the mailman’s mail?
KLB: A different
mailman?
PN: Different
mailman. Who delivers their mail?
KLB: I think it’s
just, like a constant chain.
PN: Constant
chain.
KLB: They’re all…
in relation to each other.
Barista: *Something that sounds like Kat*
KLB: Every time
something rhymes with “at” or “that” or “hat” or “mat” or “cat” sometimes
“Dad”, I respond. Lots of things rhyme. I respond to a lot.
PN: You
have a favourite rhyme? It’s not one of the questions I have written down,
but I’m asking it.
KLB: I don’t
know. Not that I can think of right now.
PN: I really
appreciate in “The Little Mermaid,” there’s that one song where they’re about
to cook Sebastian and the cook goes “Les poissons, les poisons/Hee hee hee, haw
haw haw!”
KLB: (Laughter)
PN: Fripping perfect rhyme.
KLB: How’d that
get in there?
PN: I
respond to “then” a lot. Rhymes with Ben. What’s the difference between
“maybe” and “maybe not?”
KLB: One’s
definitive and one’s negative, versus positive.
PN: Yeah, but
is there actually a difference?
KLB: I think
“maybe” is more convincing than “maybe not.” “Maybe not” implies that I’ve
already made up my mind and I just don’t want to disappoint you. “Do you want
you want to go to Market right now?” “Maybe not…” It’s a nicer way of
saying, “Hell no.”
PN: Alright,
uh, Chicken or Egg?
KLB: Chicken.
PN: Hmm…You
know you’re wrong, right?
KLB: No. I’m not.
Because, what we define as a chicken had to at some point evolve from something
that was not a chicken. So what we consider to be a chicken at one point was
this one definitive definition. And thus it became a chicken. It was first and
then that one chicken that came after all the weird previous chickens laid the
first chicken egg.
PN: Right,
so therefore the egg comes first.
KLB: No. Cuz that
chicken-
PN: We’re
following the same logic and coming to a different answer. Alright, so you have
these two things that are almost chickens.
KLB: Yeah.
PN: And they have their egg together, and
something mutates, right, and that egg hatches, and that’s the chicken, right?
KLB: Yeah!
PN: That’s
the first thing we call a chicken. But that means that egg came first.
KLB: Okay.
PN: Does
that make sense? Am I wrong?
KLB: It makes
sense, but I still want to say chicken! Because then that chicken is going to
go make more chickens.
PN: Oh,
certainly! But that chicken had to hatch from a chicken egg.
KLB: A chicken
egg that didn’t come from chickens.
PN: Right, because that’s how evolution works.
I’m going to put down: “Chicken but willing to cede maybe it’s the egg.” Solid.
Do you hate that, because there’s a definitive answer to that question,
people still use it to go “Look at paradoxes!”?
KLB: Yes.
PN: I hate
that too.
KLB: Who was it
that said, “Science is correct, whether you believe in it or not?”
PN: I forget
who that was. (Turns out it’s Neil deGrasse Tyson.)
KLB: It’s like
Carl Sagan? I dunno.
PN: That’s the beautiful thing about science. You
don’t have to believe in it, it’ll still happen.
KLB: It’s still
right.
PN: Uh, Celeb
Crush? Crushes.
KLB: Female would
be Keira Knightley, always, 100%. Male is harder, I’d probably go with, Aiden
Turner. He’s in the Hobbit. He’s also in a lot of British television.
PN: Who
is that? Who is he in The Hobbit?
KLB: I didn’t
actually see The Hobbit. He’s one of the- he’s either Fili or Kili.
PN: Solid,
yeah they’re both kinda cute. Keria Knightly’s awesome, good call.
KLB: Keira
Knightly’s hot.
PN: Uh, Who stole the cookie from the cookie
jar?
KLB: I have no
idea. It’s- it’s, I mean, we may never know.
PN: We may
never know. Um, I wanted to use this picture for the article, is that good?
KLB: (much laughter)
Yeah! (laughing)
PN: Great.
Alright, What’s the next question I’m going to ask you?
KLB: (laughter,
followed by 31 seconds of silent, questioning stares)
PN: I’m really proud of myself.
KLB: I was hoping
you’d follow that with a question, like, “Why are you staring at me?”
PN: I know
you were!
KLB: Are you
really going to use those pictures?
PN: (Kat
attempts to look at my question sheet under the picture.) No cheating…
KLB: Umm… So far
it’s been pretty unpredictable. I’m thinking it’s going to be something like,
“What’s your favourite kind of fabric?” “Who is G-d?” “Can you dig a hole from
here to China?”
PN: You’re
right, What is your favourite kind of fabric?
KLB: Plaid
tartan.
PN: Plaid tartan!
KLB: And yet, I
don’t own any!
PN: Or go to
CMU. I’m going to skip the G-d question if you want to. It’s up to you. “Whooo
is G-d??” Uh, Can you dig a hole from here to China?
KLB: I don’t
think so.
PN: You’re
right, we don’t live across from China.
KLB: But what if
I- But what if it wasn’t a straight hole?
PN: Oh.
KLB: What if I
could like, tunnel around things?
PN: Yeah,
but you won’t live, though.
KLB: I don’t
think so.
PN: You
won’t make it. The pressure’s too much.
KLB: Yeah, nor do
I really have an interest. Sounds like it’d be a lot of work.
PN: The
proper question is “May I dig a hole from here to China?” Uh, Why do
you think we should hire you for this job?
KLB: I’m the most
qualified. I’m serious about this position. I would be a great asset to this
company.
PN: Uh, When can you start?
KLB: Tomorrow.
PN: Tomorrow-
KLB: Or today!
Whenever.
PN: Whenever…
Alright, Now, I’m going to give you the answers and you give me the
questions.
KLB: Okay.
PN: 76. I’m giving you the answers you’re
giving me the questions. Okay?
KLB: What is the
maximum number of pigeons you think you could fight and defeat while still
maintaining all bodily functions? While still maintaining a reasonable form of
life. I guess, while still remaining alive.
PN: Okay. The colour burgundy.
KLB: What is the
best colour to wear in the fall?
PN: Gin
and tonic.
KLB: What is the
most boring drink I can possibly think of?
PN: Alright.
Last December.
KLB: When was
last December?
PN: When was last December? Um, I don’t
want to talk about that.
KLB: Hahaha!
Hahah. Your last doctor’s appointment. What was your last doctor’s appointment?
(laughter)
PN: Uh, Rigmarole.
KLB: (laughing)
What kind of a roll?
PN: Rigmarole.
KLB: Yeah, What
kind of a roll?!
PN: (laughing,
coughing) 73!
KLB: I’m just
thinking about birds. I just can’t stop thinking about ducks. Hahaha!
PN: Hahah!
KLB: I want to
say, “How many ducks can you fight?” but
I don’t think I could fight 73 ducks!
PN: 73 is a lot of ducks! I think 76 is a lot of
pigeons! Especially if they’re all comin’ at cha! Like I’ve seen Alfred Hitchcock's “The Birds.” You must be a power woman, though, to fight 76 ducks,
birds, pigeons.
KLB: I think I
have a way with pigeons. I connect with them. I really like pigeons. I like how
they can’t walk without moving their heads.
PN: Yeah, where
are all the baby pigeons?
KLB: I’ve never
seen a baby pigeon. Have you heard the theory that there’s like one giant
mother pigeon in the New York Subways?
PN: The
answer is that baby pigeons are ridiculously gross. Do not look up baby pigeons
now that I’ve told you this. They are really, like, list of baby animals that
are actually just vomit worthy includes baby pigeons.
KLB: What else?
PN: Um,
other baby pigeons. Alright, so we don’t have a question for the answer the
number 73. Ferrets.
KLB: What is literally
the worst pet who can possibly think of?
PN: You
know they’re illegal in New York City? Or, at least, have been from time to
time?
KLB: They should
be.
PN: Alright, Do you have any questions for me?
KLB: Who is G-d?
PN: Who is
G-d… I don’t like to believe G-d is a
who, more of the connection between people.
KLB: You’d like
my Mom; that’s how my Mom feels.
PN: I don’t
like to make a who out of a transcendental being, ya know? I teach my Sunday
School kids not to gender G-d, you know.
KLB: Hm! That’s
good, I support that.
PN: That’s
the only question you have for me? Who is G-d?
KLB: I mean, do
you want me to ask you questions?
PN: Uh, “Do
you want me to ask you questions?”
KLB: I’ll ask you
whatever you want. How’s your last doctor’s appointment?
PN: Um, I’m going to use your same answer. It was
actually, alright, I guess. When was my last doctor’s appointment…? I think I
had a dentist appointment more recently than a doctor’s appointment. Uh, no,
that guy slobbers all the time. Not my dentist, my doctor.
KLB: It’d be more
awkward if it was your dentist- leaning over your mouth.
PN: Shid! I
didn’t even realize what song this was playing! This is Ben Kweller! I didn’t
know they threw this on radios anymore. Love this jam. This is “Falling.”
(Typing. In best commercial voice) What’s your secret? Not like secret
secret, but, uh, like I’m interviewing you like a lotion commercial? Like we’re
on a talk show. What’s your secret?
KLB: And they
always say, like, (flowery) “A positive attitude!”
PN: Yeah!
Yeah, yeah.
KLB: (Pause) Take
lots of naps.
PN: Alright,
You ready to start the Kampuss Kutie interview?
KLB: Yes. (Both
share in cathartic laughter)
(All photos used on permission of Kat Brewer from Tumblr and
Facebook.)
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