Convenience of Segway totally worth social stigma, study finds

By John Meyer

A report from Logger Hunks Journal - a monthly publication that reviews foreign policy and local curiosities - found that Segways’ speedy and effortless transportation potential is more than worth the inevitable social consequences of looking like a real goober.


The report compiled its evidence from six social scientists, the beloved rapper Shaggy, and the ghost of Jimi Heselden - the former owner of Segway Inc. who fell off a cliff while riding his electric chariot. According to the report, although Segways can be socially demeaning, the convenience of not exercising and getting somewhere quickly is “definitely worth it.”

Perhaps surprisingly, wearing a helmet actually increased what scientists have named “the cool factor.” According to Dr. Dirk Ross, a social scientist at Pittsburgh University- “Helmets have the effect of telling the public, ‘yes, I care about being places efficiently, but I also want to be safe in the process.’”

The ghost of Mr. Heselden similarly echoed glowing reports of the Segway. “Nowadays all the younglings are whipping around town on their old road bikes. What they need to realize is that the Segway is the future’s answer to America’s transportation crisis.” Heselden’s ghost then added, “oh yeah, boo!”