Macy’s announces this year’s Black Friday sales started a decade ago

By Hannah Lynn

As Black Friday sales become increasingly hectic, retailers race to open earlier and earlier. Some open at 5 a.m on Friday, others open at 10 p.m on Thanksgiving day. This year, Macy’s revealed that this year’s sales have already happened.

According to Macy’s executive Dill Doman, the company commissioned several top scientists from around the world to work on a time machine that would allow them to go back several years and implement the sales. “It seemed like the next logical step. In order to stay on top of the competition, we simply had to build a high tech time travel machine that scientists previously thought to be impossible,” Doman said. “Where do you think all those ‘one-day’ sales come from?”

In the wake of this revelation, JCPenney has quickly put together a scrappy team of physicists to help them with their own time machine. “They shouldn’t bother, it’s too late!” Doman said.

JCPenney executive Jesus Christ Penney feels differently. “Did Dill Doman tell you it’s too late? That nincompoop doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s time travel! It’s never too late.”

After hearing the news of its two competitors getting involved in seemingly impossible scientific innovations that could change the entire course of human existence, Sears executive Clark Clent began to discuss his company’s plans for expansion and redemption when he trailed off halfway through his sentence and slid onto the cool tile floor. “Capitalism, you relentless bitch,” he said before closing his eyes. He was pronounced dead 10 minutes later, but perhaps time travel can be used to revive him.

Kmart will open its doors at 8am on Black Friday.