Chris Columbus Tired of Having His Name Dragged Through Muck

By Cassandra DellaCorte

"I get that the Native peoples of the Americas want credit for a day off," Chris Columbus said, "but hey, I'm a prominent Hollywood figure!" Best known for his role in directing and/or producing such blockbusters as “The Help,” “Home Alone,” “Mrs. Doubtfire,” and many of the Harry Potter movie series, Columbus has surely established himself as a force to be reckoned with in the American film industry. 

Naturally, Columbus was upset when reports of his part in the deaths of millions of indigenous Americans began to surface. "Honestly, I'd rather talk about my directing work in ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’ than have to deal with these cruel rumors," Columbus stated, further pointing out that he had never ordered anyone's hands chopped off and would never encourage the sexual enslavement of pre-teen girls.

When asked why he chose "1492 Productions" for the name of his production company if these rumors were false, Columbus admitted in a whisper that that was his bank PIN, and he was worried about forgetting another number. "So please, can you all just enjoy your Columbus Day? Maybe marathon the ‘Night At the Museum’ or ‘Fantastic Four’ movies? I'm sure we can find another day for the celebration of indigenous cultures," Columbus concluded.