"The Pittiful News” Uncovers New, Stranger Abe Lincoln/JFK Similarities

For years, historians and even some conspiracy theorists have latched onto a number of similarities between the life stories of Presidents Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. “The Pittiful News” has been fortunate enough to hold a massive archive of presidential records, some even indicating stranger and more powerful coincidences. Beware, reader, for some facts go from trivial happenings to downright supernatural similarities.

1. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy; Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln

2. Kennedy drove a Lincoln; Lincoln once said, “If there was a thing that existed called a ‘car.’ Mine would be a Kennedy”

3. If you say “Lincoln” three times in a mirror, John F. Kennedy appears behind you holding a bouquet of rhododendrons

4. Abraham Lincoln went by “John F. Kennedy” in middle school

5. Both enjoyed the warm, delicious Black Angus Steak sandwich from your local Quizno’s

6. If you rearrange the letters in John Fitzgerald Kennedy’s name, you spell “DTHAGLNNOD RFZ YEIKENEJ,” a remarkable abbreviation standing for “Does this ‘Honest Abe’ gargle Listerine? No! No! Old devil really flatulates… Zoinks! You ever ingest ketamine? Easy now… Easy, Jesus.”

7. Neither Lincoln nor Kennedy owned komodo dragons

8. “The Lincoln Lawyer” was originally titled “The Kennedy Attorney Fella”

9. Both had weird sex dreams about Mary Todd

10. Both Lincoln and Kennedy appear on this list