PTO President Sends Threats via Edible Arrangements

By Sharon George

Candice Goldman, 35, of Appleton, Wisconsin has recently been charged with sending threatening Edible Arrangements to fellow PTO members. In a statement released today Goldman says, “I wasn’t threatening them, god no I would never! It’s just that I feel like Laura, my daughter-- she’s actually talking all AP classes this year on top of being the Captain of her dance troupe can you believe it? I feel like we’re the only ones who really get it, and excuse me for wanting to send that message to the other moms in a fun and fruity way”.

Chloe Samuels is one of many victims of Goldman’s Edible Intimidation. In September Samuels was in charge of the snack table during Velma Barefield Elementary’s 5th grade recital. The next day she received a smashed basket of chocolate strawberries with the message “maybe next time try selling actual food instead of your usual bullshit, you stupid cunt”.

Jessica Smith, a fellow PTO mom, opened up about her experience. “It happened right after my daughter Jane had a few friends over. It was just girls having fun in the basement, and in my house we don’t believe in channel restrictions. My husband and I believe in free media, and we let the kids buy whatever On Demand. I guess that was too much for Candice because the next day I got a delivery. It was an Edible Arrangement with a knife stuck in the cantaloupe and a note that said “I’m the cool mom, got it Jess?”