14 Secretly Jewish Celebrity Revealed

By Mike Citrola (is Jewish)

The longstanding rumor that Jews control the media has steadily declined over the years, but The Pittiful News recently uncovered new evidence of many A-list celebs faking gentile.
Here is the exclusive list of media elite with their true, chosen names.

Fox News to Offer Degree in Islamophobia

Fox News will be offering a degree in Islamophobia starting this November, said Jeremy Fluggins, the initiative’s educational director and the head of the Mass Misleadia Corporation.

“Our goal is to inculcate in fellow Americans a passionate hatred and fear of Islam and Muslims,” Fluggins said, lamenting how dull the lives of paranoid ranters have been since the fun old days of McCarthyism. “We need to be on guard: ISIS and the deranged Oklahoma City beheader have shown us Islam, and for our purposes that’s enough.”

Local Man Accidentally Brings Scented Candle to Vigil

Embarrassed, humiliated, aromatic, local man, Daniel Tomak, expressed deep regret to all those at the vigil wake for invigorating the somber occasion with his Bahama Breeze Yankee Candle. Witnesses at the event reported feeling very saddened by the community’s loss, then, all of a sudden, remarkably delighted by the familiar scent of a tropical zephyr dancing on the tips of the group’s collective noses.

Grammar Nazi Spooky Story

Credit: dinyctis.deviantart.com

Grammar Nazis have seized control of the country. They run everything and show no mercy to the grammatically deficient, seeking to purify the Grammaryan race. Your neighbors are shredded bones and rotting guts, your classmates are festering in camps.

You are seven years old, you read little and speak even less. Your family has been detained on the false charge of a dangling modifier.

“Once we are released,” your father whispers to you, “our friends will sneak us out of the country.” He hands you a letter to carry to the guards.

“Its not our fault,” the letter begins.

Native American Tribal Alliance Reluctant to Sign Treaty to Rename Redskins

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder thought this whole name brouhaha would have blown over by now. “My original plan was to sit down at my computer, type up a treaty promising to adhere to their demands, get them to sign it, and then BAM, I wouldn’t have to do anything at all,” he said.

Snyder was mistaken. “We don’t really do the treaty thing anymore,” said Linda Edwards, spokesperson for the Native American Tribal Alliance. “We’re kind of past that whole phase.”

Local Woman Prefers Charities That Benefit Her Too

“I could just write a check to the organization, but what good does that do for me?” pondered Erin Ingram, proud benefit concert attendee, bake sale chef and rubber bracelet wearer. The self-described “do-gooder” explained her philanthropic inspiration while snacking on a pink yogurt sponsored by Susan G. Komen. “It works out perfectly because I get to make a difference and I get to buy the pink one,” said Ingham. “I prefer charities where you get a pink thing.”

“I didn’t want to do the ice bucket challenge until my air conditioner broke,” Ingram added. “Then I thought oh wow I’m really hot, then I thought hmm I wish someone would dump a bucket of ice water on my head, and that was when I realized I should do something to help children with Steven Hawking disease.” Posting the video to her facebook page also gave Ingram a chance to show off her new toned post-walk-a-thon season body.

Local White Guy Would Gladly Trade Power and Privilege for His Own Ethnic Food Festival

Tucker Paulson sat at a corner of the annual Indian American Festival feeling hungry, bored and alone. The aloo gobi was too spicy to even take a bite and there was no hope of dancing, as he could hardly keep up with the fast-paced bhangra beat. When the hot September sun had turned his rosy cheeks and uncomfortable shade of fuscia, Paulson decided he had had enough. “Just for once I’d like to see a festival celebrating my culture,” he moaned on his way to the parking lot.

Conflict Kitchen Owner Hopes the Next Country We Invade Has Some Decent Food

“I mean Venezuelan food is okay. But we already did that one once,” says Cindy Greenspan, owner and head chef of the Conflict Kitchen, a local restaurant serving cuisine from various countries in conflict with the United States. Conflict kitchen has featured dishes from Cuba, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea and now Venezuela for a second time. But now Greenspan is running out of ideas for 

the next country.

“The obvious choice is somewhere in the greater Middle Eastern area, the conflict capital of the world,” says Greenspan. “But there’s only so much you can do with chick peas and lamb.”

“Because I Like Mine the Best,” an Open Letter From a Professor Who Requires Students To Buy the Textbook He Wrote

Dear Students,

I am delighted to announce that you will all be required to read Foundations of Social Psychology by Professor Jeffery Ward (that’s me!) this semester. After carefully evaluating a number of textbooks, I have come to the conclusion that the book most suited to our studies just so happens to be the one I wrote. What a coincidence!

You may be wondering whether any sort of bias influenced my decision. It didn’t! Teaching from a book authored by one of my peers would mean I would have to evaluate and consider opinions that aren’t my own. Why bother with that when I already know that I agree with myself 100% of the time?

Patrick Stewart is the Ripper

The legendary Jack the Ripper has finally been identified.  Driven by curiosity, amateur investigator Russell Edwards analyzed DNA samples from the shawl of one of the victims, and mitochondrial DNA led to the connection of the crime with suspect Aaron Kosminski.  Doubting Edwards’ claims, a University of Pittsburgh team conducted their own analysis and discovered a shocking new suspect in the crime – acclaimed actor Sir Patrick Stewart.  

Women of Color Fight to Gain Equal Representation on BuzzFeed Lists

BuzzFeed’s 25 Things All Basic White Girls Do During The Fall list has sparked controversy from many civil rights activists who believe that all people should be able to enjoy scented candles, Ugg boots and instagram filters regardless of race, creed or color. “These lists are yet another reminder that even in 2014 race in America is still an issue,” says Natasha Jeffers, who holds a PhD in sociology. Jeffers also noted that she is perfectly capable of understanding items 1-28 on BuzzFeed’s 28 Things Only Teenage White Girls Will Understand, despite her ethnic background.

“The whites took every thing from our people. Now they want to claim the pumpkin spice latte too,” says Sarah Sitting-Bull of the Lakota tribe.

Suburban Studies Program Fails Again

While more and more Pitt students flock to London, Florence, and Buenos Aires for their summer study abroad experiences, one destination continues to reign supreme: home.

Marking the end of the spring semester, thousands of students annually disperse from Pittsburgh to wherever they begrudgingly call home. And even though programs do exist for the geographical minority from cities and rural areas, none are nearly as well attended as the one for kids from the in between.

Offered by the department of Suburban Studies, this study abroad opportunity places students in the homes of real suburban families (their own) to absorb the local culture and cultivate new perspectives on the world. But despite the many student participants, the program has not been well received.

Pitt gets a new mascot

By Hannah Lynn

University of Pittsburgh’s mascot has long been in question: whether it’s representative of our school, does it make sense to have a panther named “Roc,” and especially whether it’s right to have it when the Penn State mascot is so similar.

For the past 10 years, a secret committee of Pitt faculty, alumni, and mascot experts have been holding clandestine meetings in the dungeon below the Cathedral of Learning to discuss such matters. According to a source close to The Pittiful News, some of the replacement options included an eagle, a jackalope, and a bridge with a face named “Bridget.” When asked his opinion on the matter, Pitt sophomore Josh Evans said “What?”

After years of heated debates, the council finally announced Pitt’s new mascot: A craggy old man smoking a cigarette on a stoop. Don’t ask him about his past.

Several artists are currently working on a design for the mascot so he can be put on t-shirts, flags, and bumper stickers. After the current statue of the Panther is torn down, the University is considering employing someone to actually be the craggy old man smoking a cigarette on a stoop. However, it is unclear if the University has enough funds to build a stoop in the middle of a sidewalk.

Top 5 fashion tips for fall!

By Hannah Lynn

There’s a brisk wind in the air that indicates fall is right at our doorstep, and that means a whole new season of fashion! Check out this cool and fun style guide to jazz up your boring wardrobe.

1. Flannel! These shirts are warm, versatile, and most of all, super cute! Just remember, the sturdier the better.

2. Rainboots! These are super functional for those rainy fall days, especially when you have a lot of walking to do. Plus, they’re super cute! And remember, the taller the better!

Today's Head Lines

These head lines have more of a pensive look about them. Perhaps, he is thinking about a challenging Sudoku puzzle or his difficult marriage

Pitt Student Convicted of Bringing Rape upon Herself

In a landmark case, Pitt sophomore Natalie Ramsel was convicted of provoking a fellow student Brick Masteson to rape her—a felony in most states. The incident had occurred at a party last spring when Ramsel cruelly wore a miniskirt and smiled at the unsuspecting 230-pound Masteson, which compelled the poor fellow to liquor her up and drag the gagged criminal to the basement, where the terrified victim had no choice but to rape and further threaten Ramsel.

“It was horrible,” Masteson stammered out through tears during his testimony. “The way she stole glances at me, the way she said hi to me—all that horror comes back to me in nightmares, how she was writhing in my steel grasp, how she made me humiliate her and just leave her on the basement floor like a rag. I still shudder to think of her brutality.”

New Kenyan Charity to Build American Resumés

Founded this September, Kenyan charity Building the Road to Success will help thousands of American high school students build their resumes for applying for college scholarships and financial aid, said the charity’s website. Its founder Joseph Mbantu cited compassion and altruism as his chief motivations.

“My heart and prayers go out to the high school students of America,” he said, noting that the income gap between those with and without a college degree is at a record high while the exorbitant costs of attending college without scholarship or financial aid keeps the lower class poor and upward social mobility rare. “Students from low-income families often have no time or opportunity for nice-sounding extracurricular activities that make resumes glow, so that’s what we’re for.”

Guitarist Still Unaware Moving His Mouth Does Not Affect Guitar Sound

Licking his lips, grimacing, and tensing up his neck as if the guitar was eating away at his internal organs, local guitarist, Stanley “Fudge Neck” Weppers, went through several riffs onstage at the Langston Poetry House evidently unaware that his facial contortions were not affecting the sound of his instrument. Bystanders noted that when Weppers began the song, he nodded a lot almost like he believed his chin waggle was increasing the oscillation of sound waves emanating from his acoustic guitar. At one point, Weppers puffed out his cheeks, played the same note several times in no noticeably different way, and shook his head perhaps in a desperate attempt to better his guitar prowess via spastic vertebrae movements.

School Counselor Urges Bully to Just Be Himself

Last week Eakton High School counselor Kasper Somlet told the notorious bully Andrew Riff that he is already perfect and should never let others’ opinions tell him whom he should be or what he should do. Riff, who has always genuinely relished that helpless anguished look of those weaker than him, said he had sought Somlet’s help last week because his peers made him question his sadistic lifestyle.

“Harassing and intimidating has been my second nature for as long as I can remember and I had a ball at it,” Riff said, “but recently people have been giving me disapproving looks and even saying I should be less of a bully and stuff. It really got to me, you know. I was conflicted. I worried that I was wrong. Gosh, I even felt a little ashamed of myself.”

Girl Hospitalized with Facebook Vaguelexia

Dulpit's last status update before hospitalization 

Oakland resident Laila Dulpit was forcibly hospitalized Wednesday with a severe case of Facebook vaguelexia, also known as vaguebooktitis, after posting “Not that all she ever needed wasn't sometimes mine or his either, too” on her Facebook. Doctors say that brain damage is so profound that she will likely remain forever incapable of posting anything anybody other than her can understand.

Dulpit’s friends said her irritatingly vague status updates such as “good to know you’re listening” and “so stressed out...will I ever do it?” started littering their news feeds about four months ago.

That Spider Is Still Sitting There

Yep, just checked, he's still there

That spider is still sitting up there, sources close to the spider confirmed. For quite some time now he has been making you uncomfortable and nervous by sitting there all fat and menacing, and he will continue doing just the same until an opportunity arrives to strike you most scarily.

The spider said that he hates you. He hates your stupid face, your soul, your very existence. He hates your fingernails and ankles. All the way up there he sits detesting your lifestyle, your hobbies and passions, your choice of friends, your taste in art. Your goals and dreams disgust the spider. The hairs on all his eight fast legs find you utterly pathetic and can't wait to touch your idiotic skin. He guffaws at the struggles in your life. The spider's contempt for all that makes you you is stronger than even his web. He will find you.

Adults Don't Know Shit About Life, Study of Angsty Teens Shows

Nathan Wool, Official Lead Researcher Guy

A study published in the August issue of Science and Stuff by a team of angsty teenagers found that “adults don’t know shit about life or how to live it right.” The study, funded by the money mooched from the team members’ parents, was based on a series of interviews and opinion polls conducted with numerous angsty teenagers.

“The evidence presented in our study is unequivocal,” said lead researcher Nathan Wool, freshman at a Florida boarding high school. “Adults live with their heads up their lazy asses and don’t know the first thing about how to live a meaningful life. No drive, no light in their eyes, they are existential burnouts, man, all of them. This study proves our initial hunched—or else we wouldn't have done it.”

Port Authority Allows Music Without Headphones if It’s “Totally Swag”

Bonus swag points

PITTSBURGH — Port Authority of Allegheny County will allow music to be played loudly without headphones on all of its buses, trolleys, and inclines, provided that the song playing is “totally swag,” said spokesman Aaron Shpuck. The new law, geared for those who can’t live without auditory sources of swag and don’t have headphones, will go into effect on July 14.

Photo of Man Enjoying Hot Dog Draws Ire

John Kendalls, he who hates beautiful animals

The photo of a 19-year-old Texas Tech student and football player John Kendalls eating a hot dog with visible pleasure has drawn indignation and ire of hundreds of animal lovers since he posted it on his Facebook page. The disapproving comments range from frowny faces to death threats but all convey the feeling of repulsion and disgust elicited by Kendalls’ posing happily next to parts of dead pigs and cows. His critics call him “sick” and “depraved” for partaking in the murder of beautiful animals and boasting about it online.

Chancellor Gallagher on Pitt's Having Highest Tuition: "Suck it up."

PITTSBURGH — In a press conference on Monday, one week after the release of a study by the U.S. Department of Education that showed that Pitt is the most expensive four-year public college in the country, Pitt’s chancellor Patrick Gallagher admitted that there is absolutely no way to prevent this or lower the costs.