Port Authority Allows Music Without Headphones if It’s “Totally Swag”

Bonus swag points

PITTSBURGH — Port Authority of Allegheny County will allow music to be played loudly without headphones on all of its buses, trolleys, and inclines, provided that the song playing is “totally swag,” said spokesman Aaron Shpuck. The new law, geared for those who can’t live without auditory sources of swag and don’t have headphones, will go into effect on July 14.

Shpuck said that “a committee of cool dudes you better not mess with” has been appointed to draft a list of “totally swag” songs to be allowed to be played through one’s cell phone or stereo while slouching belligerently in the seat like no fucks are or should be given.

He also reminded those who blare a song not on the list that “Nobody wants to hear your shit. It’s illegal, it’s rude, it’s embarrassing. People are tired and just want some quiet time. Get some earphones, goddamit, or just wait till you get home.”

The list will be published on Port Authority’s website and constantly updated by the committee as songs acquire and lose swag.