Pitt Student Convicted of Bringing Rape upon Herself

In a landmark case, Pitt sophomore Natalie Ramsel was convicted of provoking a fellow student Brick Masteson to rape her—a felony in most states. The incident had occurred at a party last spring when Ramsel cruelly wore a miniskirt and smiled at the unsuspecting 230-pound Masteson, which compelled the poor fellow to liquor her up and drag the gagged criminal to the basement, where the terrified victim had no choice but to rape and further threaten Ramsel.

“It was horrible,” Masteson stammered out through tears during his testimony. “The way she stole glances at me, the way she said hi to me—all that horror comes back to me in nightmares, how she was writhing in my steel grasp, how she made me humiliate her and just leave her on the basement floor like a rag. I still shudder to think of her brutality.”

Masteson’s family embraced him when the judge pronounced Ramsel guilty. The verdict was in large part due to neuroscientist Simon Petlevski, who testified on Masteson’s side as expert witness.

Brandishing colorful brain scans, Petlevski said that men are biologically hardwired to ravish the girls who are clearly asking for it.

“Afterwards, the amygdala literally forces men to send dehumanizing text messages and photos of what they did against their will,” he said, adding that men should be pitied, not blamed, for such biological weakness. “It makes sense to punish only those who could make a choice. Would you blame a dog for salivating at the sight of meat?” he asked the jury.

The case caught national attention. While the court was still in session, hundreds of male protesters gathered outside to fight against systematic discrimination against men. They carried placards that read “We Are Brick Masteson” and “HE has no self-control; SHE does” and chanted, “I mean, just look, just look at what she’s wearing!”

“There is a flagrant victim-blaming problem in this country,” said protester Mark Vivlelo. “In the minds of Americans, there’s no longer a difference between a man and a rapist. We are the scapegoats. We’re even blamed for 90 percent of all rapes--that’s the kind of disproportion I’m talking about.”

At press time, Masteson was drafting a petition to the White House asking to review the cases of convicted rapists to determine that the so-called victim “was downright begging for it when she put that dress on.”