Pitt gets a new mascot

By Hannah Lynn

University of Pittsburgh’s mascot has long been in question: whether it’s representative of our school, does it make sense to have a panther named “Roc,” and especially whether it’s right to have it when the Penn State mascot is so similar.

For the past 10 years, a secret committee of Pitt faculty, alumni, and mascot experts have been holding clandestine meetings in the dungeon below the Cathedral of Learning to discuss such matters. According to a source close to The Pittiful News, some of the replacement options included an eagle, a jackalope, and a bridge with a face named “Bridget.” When asked his opinion on the matter, Pitt sophomore Josh Evans said “What?”

After years of heated debates, the council finally announced Pitt’s new mascot: A craggy old man smoking a cigarette on a stoop. Don’t ask him about his past.

Several artists are currently working on a design for the mascot so he can be put on t-shirts, flags, and bumper stickers. After the current statue of the Panther is torn down, the University is considering employing someone to actually be the craggy old man smoking a cigarette on a stoop. However, it is unclear if the University has enough funds to build a stoop in the middle of a sidewalk.