Market Analysts Say Dining Dollar Depreciates in World Market

By Steven Jaindl

The Dining Dollar of the University of Pittsburgh has recently depreciated in value against other currencies of the world.  When compared to United States Dollars (USD)—the currency most historically related to the Dining Dollar—the Dining Dollar is now worth $0.86.

Market analysts point the near worthlessness of the Dining Dollar as the reason for this depreciation.

“The issue with the Dining Dollar,” says market analyst John Bourse, “is that it is hardly a currency at all, being entirely devoid of any worth outside of Pitt’s campus.”

WEATHER REPORT

Hannah Lynn

Pittiful Meteorologist

Saturday

Cloudy with a chance of crow meatballs

Sunday

Day of repentance. No weather.

Monday

Looks like a beautiful sunny day, feels like the freezing embrace of a thousand icicles

Tuesday

Scattered snow showers in the morning, scattered ashes in the evening

Wednesday

It’s lump day! Get that lump examined.

Thursday

No chance of rain, but take umbrella anyway. Trust us. TRUST US.

Friday

Vortex of polar bears

Saturday

Well, well, well look who’s back for more

Women wear pants to award shows, continue to break barriers

By Hannah Lynn

At the recent Golden Globes award ceremony, multiple women including Lorde and Emma Stone, took a brave stance for women everywhere by wearing pants. No, that was not a typo. Multiple women, famous women, showed up to a public event in which they were photographed many times actually wearing pants.

There is no way to know for sure, but this could very well be the first time a woman has chosen to wear pants in public. Typically, at an awards show, women will wear a long gown of sorts, accompanied by a hamster-sized handbag. But pants opens up a whole new option for a handbag-less look!

"I have no idea who started this trend, but boy did it sweep me off my feet," said SnapChat awards show correspondent Aidan Kyle.

A dress, first worn by women in the year 700 BC, is a garment that covers the body, but has an opening where the legs are, which is ideal for women during mating season. Pants, which were first invented in 1351, have typically been worn by men, who need full leg coverage while hunting and gathering.

With the Oscars coming up soon, the suspense will only build. What female celebrities will dare to wear pants to the most fashionable night of the year? Will Reese Witherspoon wear pants? Will Quvenzhané Wallis wear pants? Will Emma Stone wear pants AGAIN?

Emma Stone declined to comment on the subject matter, as did Lorde, but her publicist sounded like she was wearing pants over the phone.

Professional Gaming to be Aired on ESPN by 2016

By Christian Heagy

It is no doubt that League of Legends is one of the most popular "Electronic Sports" of this modern era. "Electronic Sports," better known as "Esports," is a growing trend across the globe. The 2014 League of Legends World Championship climbed up to over 11 million concurrent viewers from around the world at it's peak.

With its exponential growth in popularity, it is no wonder that the demand to have professional Esports appear on television is on the rise and what better place to air it than famed sports channel, ESPN.

Gary has a Deceptively Keen Sense of Smell

By Tom Harnett

Shadyside man Gary Newman continues to surprise people with his impeccable sense of smell.  The most impressive thing, though, is how unexpected it is.

“If you looked at Gary you would be like ‘Oh that guy probably has a horrible sense of smell’ but I’ll tell you what, you’d be wrong.”  Said an admiring coworker.  Instead of a nose Gary has a flat patch of skin, spanning from the upper lip to the forehead.  Friends describe it as, “Almost like Voldemort but flatter.”  This curious birth defect was never diagnosed.

Kraft Visionaries Push the Limits Of What We Call “Food”

By Mia Feldman

“If you think about it, what is food really?” pondered senior Kraft Foods chef and chemical engineer, John Galliard. “Traditionally the answer has been meats, fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy products. But we at Kraft are working hard to push past these limitations and to open people’s minds to new ideas of what’s edible and what isn’t.”

Galliard, a self-described “food visionary,” developed his passion at an early age. “Growing up my mother always told me ‘Johnny don’t eat anything you find behind the couch. You’ll get sick.’ So I just had it in my mind anything from behind the couch was outside this so called sphere-of-edibility. Until one day, when I worked up the courage taste this raisin I found between two cushions. I was nervous to eat it but then I was fine. That really got the gears in my head spinning. If people can eat raisins from behind the couch what else can we eat? Yogurt from a tube? Fruit-punch flavored oreos? Cool-Whip frosting? Anything can be edible if you dare to dream.”

Jeffrey Chaucer Pays Surprise Visit To Cup and Chaucer Café

By Louis Lobron

   

Patrons of Hillman Library’s Cup and Chaucer cafe received a surprise this Thursday afternoon when none other than renowned tale-spinner and cafe founder Geoffrey Chaucer made an unprecedented appearance in the pseudo-Starbucks chill-out spot. 

Though Chaucer was initially met with utter and complete indifference, he eventually invited a few dubious stares as he addressed what he described to our reporters as a “tough crowd”. In his most eloquent middle-english, Chaucer dynamically recounted the first days of the cafe. “When Sir Cup and I had the idea to start a coffee-shop 800 years ago, everybody in England was all like “what’s a coffee shop?, and what’s coffee? and “this is what you get for being a liberal arts major, Jeff” , but we persisted, and by way of charging $4 for small cups of sugary, mildly caffeinated beverages, we made it work Goddamnit, and look how far our creation has come,” Chaucer spoke through a translator, and not without nostalgic, nostalgic tears. 

Diets To Die For!

By Dr. Louis Lobron

Bathing suit season might be months off, but it’s never too early to get started on trimming off that shame-cushioning! These time tested and trendy new diets will be a sure shot.

Mediterranean

- Pizza, pasta, and the like. Just generally a lot of carbs.

Nordic

-Salt water fish like Cod, seaweed, potatoes, rowing to the new world

New Nordic

-Similar to the traditional Nordic diet, but replacing fish with critically acclaimed jam band Phish, and seaweed with just regular weed

New SGB Cites Previous Make-Believe Experience as Credentials

By Mike Citrola

The newly elected members of Pitt’s Student Government Board expressed confidence in their positions in office as a result of the many make-believe roles they’ve held in the past.

During an exclusive interview with The Pittiful News, the board boasted about their qualifications and the work they’d done to earn them. “It’s no surprise the student body voted me in. I’ve been a leader all my life,” said Nasreen Harun, holding up a picture of herself as a child in a purple, presumably store-bought princess costume. “I led the Kingdom of Snugglemore into battle with the army of American Girl Dolls, so yeah, I’m pretty sure allocating funds to student groups will be a snap.”

‘All About That Bass’ Teaches Body Issues To New Set of Young Girls

By Phil Forrence

In wake of the recent stream of mega-hits celebrating the body types of larger women, (Meghan Trainor’s  ‘All About That Bass’, Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’, and J-Lo’s ‘Booty’) a previously untapped portion of tweenage females are learning the ropes of hating what their momma gave them. “I’ve always seen it happening.” Says 13-year old Madison Lively, “Fat girls go to the bathroom crying that they don’t get invited to the dance, but just last week,” she reports, “I hear that a man’s anaconda won’t want none unless I have buns. I run to the bathroom and through tears glare at my sickly frame because suddenly I, I’m the fat girl.”

Man shocked to discover his blood is not blue before it hits the air

By Hannah Lynn

Coikes Montero had his whole world turned upside down last week when his doctor informed him that, despite his long held belief that blood is blue until it is exposed to the air, the blood in his body is red 100% of the time.

“I can’t believe this! I’m just flabbergasted,” Montero said. “My whole life, since I was a wee babe, I’ve been told by my peers that the blood in our veins is blue! And I believed it, I mean look!” he said, pointing to his blue veins.

Montero fell victim to the widespread myth that many children are told and believe until they are old to see its flawed logic. Montero appears to have skipped this stage. “It’s just the light that makes veins appear blue,” said Lou Lee, Montero’s doctor. “I bet this guy still thinks his elbow is double jointed. Everyone is dumb. I should’ve set the world on fire ages ago!” Lee said before breaking into maniacal laughter.

Apple Ear-Bud Sales Spike, Q-tips Declares Bankruptcy

By Phil Forrence

The geniuses at Apple have done it again. “We figured, the ears are the most important body part to our sales, right???” says Dr. Gentry, head of the Sound-To-Brain department at Apple. “Well if ears are so meaningful to us, why wouldn’t we try to keep them cleaned out as well as entertained?”

The new Apple ear buds feature an inner-ear-shaped probe that puts the speaker closer to your eardrum and thus has the added ability to scoop out that excess ear wax any time you feel like jamming out!

“I love them.” Raves nineteen-year old Nathan Young, “People always used to want to steal my headphones, but now that I have personalized my new apple ear-buds with my own coating of cerumen, I can safely keep them visible in any social situation.”

“We regret to inform the public, that the point in history when one had to shove a cotton-stick into his ear to keep it marginally cleaner, has ended,” begins the official statement from Q-tips, “however, Q-tips will live on in the hearts, minds, and, due to a few regrettable misadventures, the ears of our users.” The company went on to say it will donate its unsold inventory to retirement homes and aging heavy metal bands.

Pitt Football Makes Strides

By John Garry

In light of yet another disappointing performance, many among the Pitt student body are in despair. After suffering through a season in which performances cycled from meaningless (62-0 thrashing of Sister Mary’s School for the Blind the University of Delaware) to dismal (NCAA record 5 turnovers in the first half amidst a 46-0 ass-whooping from Georgia Tech) to heartbreaking (double-overtime loss to Duke with a missed field goal), many Panther supporters lost faith in humanity once again while watching Pitt give up 293 yards and 29 points in the fourth quarter of the Armed Forces Bowl against the University of Houston.

Hoarding Relieves Yet Terrifies Roommates

By Holly Stavarski

Living on a budget is hard for many college students, especially those who relied on their parents for money before going away to school. But with each year at school comes recognition of new and inventive ways to save money. Alli Bernardi, a junior at the University of Pittsburgh, struggled to maintain the lifestyle that she was used to at home in her freshman year.

“I completely blew my budget by October. I was out of money, had no job, and was forced to call my parents to supplement my bank account. Eventually, when they realized how much online shopping I was doing, they weren’t as sympathetic and they stopped giving me money,” Bernardi said.

Local man can’t complain about being objectified; Shouldn’t dress like such a skank

By Louis Lobron

Pittsburgh man David McIlhenny is sick and tired of this shit. “Everyday I just get up in the morning and try to dress in a way that makes me feel good. I look good, I feel good. What’s so wrong with that?” McIlhenny told us, after sources confirmed that “no, he just dresses like a complete skank.”

Smells Around Campus: Pitt

By Holly Stavarski

Each place in the world has a unique scent. Here at The Pittiful News, resident sniffer Holly Stavarski has walked around campus with nose wide open to capture the familiar scents of education and desperation that exist in the academic buildings of the University of Pittsburgh.

1. Bellefield – Dusty ballerinas 

2. Benedum – Burnt bagels and sweaty nerds

3. Cathedral – Musty books and the hot breath of someone walking up three flights of stairs 

4. Chevron – Ammonia and a moldy terrarium

5. David Lawrence – Wood chips and 200 spilled Naked Juices

6. Hillman – Stale Cheetos, cheap alcohol, and warm paper

7. Posvar – Asbestos and Panoptic powers of social control

8. Scaife – Sickly clean hospital and stress farts

9. Sennott -  Panera Bread and awkward tinder dates

10. Towers Lobby – Britney Spear’s Fantasy, Axe, and regret

11. Trees – Chlorine, Sweat, and a wrestler’s vomit

12.Victoria – New Lululemon yoga pants and Starbucks coffee

13. WPU – Fried chicken and petty Student Government scandals

Students Can Finally Breathe After Being Smothered By Parents Over Winter Break

By Holly Stavarski

For most students, winter break means a welcome reprise from the ever-accumulating schoolwork in which college students hope abandon all responsibility and kick back and relax. Unfortunately, this is hard to do when going home for the holidays. Students returning to the University of Pittsburgh are reporting that their trip home was less like a break and more of a reminder of why they went to school hours away.

Pittiful News Receives “Off the Record” Statement

 

Too long ago to be quite relevant anymore, The Pittiful News received off the record statements from SGB board member Hack Jeidecker regarding the Bauren Larney Debacle. When asked if Mike Niteshyamalan had