Market Analysts Say Dining Dollar Depreciates in World Market

By Steven Jaindl

The Dining Dollar of the University of Pittsburgh has recently depreciated in value against other currencies of the world.  When compared to United States Dollars (USD)—the currency most historically related to the Dining Dollar—the Dining Dollar is now worth $0.86.

Market analysts point the near worthlessness of the Dining Dollar as the reason for this depreciation.

“The issue with the Dining Dollar,” says market analyst John Bourse, “is that it is hardly a currency at all, being entirely devoid of any worth outside of Pitt’s campus.”

In fact, not only does most of the world reject the Dining Dollar as a viable currency, but nearly all foreign countries refuse to exchange Dining Dollars into their own currencies.

“Other currencies want nothing to do with the Dining Dollar,” says Bourse.  “When’s the last time anyone has attempted to exchange their dining bucks for a respectable currency such as the Mexican Peso or the Vietnamese Dong?  Trust me—you’ll just get laughed at.”

The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Patrick Gallagher, shares in John Bourse’s dismissive opinion of the Dining Dollar.  Gallagher, who worked as Acting Deputy Secretary for the Department of Commerce before being hired to his current position, has some ideas for the future of pecuniary matters at Pitt:

“Fake internet money,” says Gallagher. “Like Bitcoin or something like that.  Apparently that’s the way of the future now—I should know because I read half an article on it the other day.”

Gallagher hopes to have a plan implemented before the start of the 2015 fall semester.  When asked what a potential name for the cryptocurrency could be, Gallagher replied that “Gallaghercoin has a certain ring to it, you know?  It there is anything my predecessors of the post of Chancellor taught me, it’s that it is never too early to start slapping your name on stuff.”