Diets To Die For!

By Dr. Louis Lobron

Bathing suit season might be months off, but it’s never too early to get started on trimming off that shame-cushioning! These time tested and trendy new diets will be a sure shot.

Mediterranean

- Pizza, pasta, and the like. Just generally a lot of carbs.

Nordic

-Salt water fish like Cod, seaweed, potatoes, rowing to the new world

New Nordic

-Similar to the traditional Nordic diet, but replacing fish with critically acclaimed jam band Phish, and seaweed with just regular weed

Paleo

-Skeletons?

Raw

-Berries, nuts, seeds, denying your children TV, general resentment from mainstream neighbors

The Lemonade Diet

-Fuckin’ lemonade

The Dr. Oz Ultimate Diet

-Lean chicken, salmon, fresh fruits and vegetables, a slowly but surely growing sense of guilt from undeserved attention

The Super-Antioxidant Purge

-32 oz. of cranberry juice a day (up to 16 oz. replaceable by vodka)

Nothing

-Eat nothing.