Gary has a Deceptively Keen Sense of Smell

By Tom Harnett

Shadyside man Gary Newman continues to surprise people with his impeccable sense of smell.  The most impressive thing, though, is how unexpected it is.

“If you looked at Gary you would be like ‘Oh that guy probably has a horrible sense of smell’ but I’ll tell you what, you’d be wrong.”  Said an admiring coworker.  Instead of a nose Gary has a flat patch of skin, spanning from the upper lip to the forehead.  Friends describe it as, “Almost like Voldemort but flatter.”  This curious birth defect was never diagnosed.

Legend on the streets of Pittsburgh is that Gary’s smell range expanded to an immeasurable number, they estimate, “around 2 Louisiana Purchases wide and 3 Louisiana Purchases tall.”   

A source on Gary’s inner circle describe his sense of smell as, “Like his superpower and his kryptonite at the same time.”  The word around camp is that Gary’s smelling ability is too much responsibility for any mortal man.  Gary seems to have been forced to smell things no one should have to.  

The Gary enthusiasts seem to be growing in number every day.  Gary’s boss described it as, “A weird cult following.”  

What makes this man tick?  Is it his argyle sweater vest?  Is it the thick black glasses that were supported by an array of suction cups?  Is it his Big Bang Theory belt holding up tan slacks?  The answer must rest underneath that slab of flat pale skin in between his eyes, utterly devoid of a nose, it smelled.

The real question is: Is he on our side?