Students Can Finally Breathe After Being Smothered By Parents Over Winter Break

By Holly Stavarski

For most students, winter break means a welcome reprise from the ever-accumulating schoolwork in which college students hope abandon all responsibility and kick back and relax. Unfortunately, this is hard to do when going home for the holidays. Students returning to the University of Pittsburgh are reporting that their trip home was less like a break and more of a reminder of why they went to school hours away.

“I’m finally able to breathe,” said freshman Oliver Malcolm. “As soon as I got home, my parents jumped down my throat and started nagging me.”

Malcolm, who wanted to spend his break playing video games and catching up with his friends, was forced to do meaningless tasks and be accountable for his actions.

“I couldn’t go anywhere without being asked a battery of questions,” whined Malcolm. “ ‘Where are you going? Who are you going with? What are you doing there?’ The devil and I are going to the woods to murder virgins again. Chill, Mom.”

Ashley Bronstein, University of Pittsburgh junior, had a similar ordeal with her parents. “I honestly felt like I was being suffocated,” reported Bronstein, “I am pretty used to my parent’s need to be up my ass every second, but I couldn’t ignore it when they came into my room in the middle of the night and hover over the side of my bed with a pillow in hand.”

Bronstein, who was unnerved by her parent’s possible homicidal feelings, has never been happier to come back to school.

“I usually love going home and having unlimited access to free food, but I would rather starve and have the freedom that I have at Pitt.”