“There is Too Much Food in Our Sugar”: Guest Opinion by FDA Chief Scientist

by Steven Brostrov, M.D., Chief Scientist of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration

With just about everybody resolving to lose weight in 2015, it’s high time to consider the single biggest reason for rampant obesity in the U.S. And it is not sugar, as misguided dieticians would have you believe. It is food.

Same Old B.S. to Happen in 2015, World-weary Experts Predict

A panel of six middle-aged burnt-out experts from many fields released a public statement that the coming year will basically be the same old bullshit happening all over again, with no end in sight. “Yeah-yeah-yeah, new year, whoopee-freakin-doo, same crap in a different wrapper, and more expensive, too,” read the slurred statement. The panel members publicly announced the forecast at a bar where they had first met each other a few hours ago, having escaped there from their families and solitude. The experts also reminisced about how it was back in the day and advised the audience to get it while they’re still young. 

At the request of the audience, the experts pooled their brainpower and extrapolating skills to draft a list of the most anticipated changes that 2015 will bring:

Neuroscientists Prove Brain Wired to Make Colors Appear on Computer Screen

Aw come on, don't these look awesome?!

In a series of groundbreaking brain-imaging studies, a team of neuroscientists from Tufts University proved that the human brain is hardwired to make juicy blobs of color appear on the screen of a computer connected to an fMRI machine, which measures brain activity.

Headline Grabbed Reader’s Attention! With Teasing Bit of News!!

The first sentence succinctly told the reader what happened when and where or who did what, and why! The first paragraph contained the most essential information about the news so that even if the reader stopped reading halfway through the article he or she would know the gist of what had happened.

But simply telling what happened didn’t satisfy the ambitious article! And so in the second paragraph it explained the significance of this news and put it in context. The naughty paragraph reportedly even flashed some statistics, being like, I’m smart as shit and Imma dazzle you with numbers.

Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech First Thing Writer Ever Wrote

Local aspiring writer Ted Femsel, 20, confirmed that the first thing he ever wrote in his literary career was the acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize in Literature his brilliant fiction would one day earn him.

“I haven’t actually written any fiction yet, but I already got a dozen short stories and a couple novels sketched out in my head, and trust me, they’re so much better than anything literature has had to offer so far,” said Femsel, the future recipient of the world’s most prestigious literary award. He then spent all of his free time planning his visit to Stockholm for the award ceremony, looking at hotels, restaurants, and tourist attractions. But after two weeks of hard work, Femsel realized that perhaps he was getting too far ahead of himself and should instead devote him time and efforts to more important aspects of being a successful writer.

Nation Goes Nuts as 10 Days Remain to Fulfil New Year’s Resolutions

Martin Pelterton wasted no time when he realized two days ago that he had forgotten all about his New Year’s resolutions for this year. He and his wife Judi, both having resolved to spend more time with their family and do exciting things, tossed their teenage children Rody and Stacy into the car and rushed off.

“With the kids in the back learning Norwegian and memorizing the dictionary, we quit smoking at once and drove to the bank – both to rob it and to get out of debt,” said Pelterton, looking up from a graduate school application. “While Judi inched toward her sister’s record in Temple Run 2 and I kept the hostages under control, we let Rody kill one of them so he could finally see whether he’s a trembling creature or has the right.” The Peltertons then continued to bond in the car while zooming through picturesque landscapes and must-see cities.

Pelterton is but one of millions of procrastinating Americans moved to such determined fulfillment of the departing year’s suddenly-remembered resolutions.

Ebola Epidemic Linked to Lack of Preventive Hashtags

A study to be published in Epidemiology blames the Ebola virus epidemic in West Africa on the shocking lack of preventive hashtag use by First-Worldlings. The researchers estimated that the use and proliferation of Twitter hashtags urging to stop Ebola and threatening it to stop could have saved 95 percent of victims had it been done before the situation got out of hand.

Movie Theaters Remain Closed This Christmas; Jews to Sit Quietly and Think About What They Did

Christmas has always been a day of Chinese food, movies and feelings of mild-jealousy for Jews living in predominantly Christian areas.  But this year movie theatres and Chinese restaurants will remain closed on Christmas Day, due to numerous requests from Fox News correspondents and other self described “Christmas purists.”

“We Americans are starting to lose sight of Christmas Day, as a sort of time-out for the Jewish people,” said Fox News correspondent, Gretchen Carlson. In the past, many have accused Carlson of trying to push her faith/creepy love of Christmas onto others. She insists that this isn’t true. “The War on Christmas is so last year. What worries me is now that they’ve cleverly developed their own set of traditions, the boredom of being a Jew on Christmas won’t be enough to compel them to stare at a wall while thinking about what they did 2,000 years ago.”

Pioneer Plaques Come Back with Message from ETs

Note the misanthropy glowing in the upper left corner.

On Tuesday NASA announced the first received reply to an attempt to contact extraterrestrials: “nice try LMAO :D” The message was scribbled in black marker on the Pioneer plaques, a pair of aluminum plaques with a pictorial message for extraterrestrials that were sent beyond the Solar System aboard the Pioneer 1 and 2 spacecraft in 1972 and ’73. An alien-made capsule containing the plaques parachuted into NASA headquarters last week.

“Why Can’t Kim Jong-un Stick to Ruining Things For People in His Own Country?” asks James Franco

Seth Rogan and James Franco were none too thrilled to learn that their movie “The Interview” would be canceled due to terror threats from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. “Can't Kim Jong-un just be happy with the 24.9 million North Korean lives the global community allows him to ruin? Why is he trying to ruin our American movie too?”moaned James Franco, while dramatically crumpling up a poster for “The Interview” and tossing it into a pile of now unsellable merchandise.

“How can he get away with this?” Rogan asked. The answer to his question is actually very simple. North Korea benefits from what political scientists are calling the hey-look-at-us-we’re-not-as-messed-up-as-they-are-in-the-Middle-East phenomenon, by which a nation state can get away with pretty much anything, so long as whatever is happening in countries that have decent sized oil reserves is at least slightly more appalling.

Pitt Foreign Language Departments to Require Course in Nodding, Smiling

Pitt’s foreign language departments announced Thursday that a course in nodding and smiling will now be required for foreign language majors and minors, citing the time-tried technique as essential for communication with foreigners.

Book Review: “The Novel,” the First All-SparkNotes Novel

Critics love it. English teachers are raving about it. Publishers are calling it the next big thing in literature. Readers of all stripes and intellects are engrossed by Zed Pernell’s “The Novel,” a novel written as a SparkNotes-type study guide.

Set in a symbolic setting, “The Novel” shows how the thoroughly analyzed major characters interact with minor ones to further the plot. Gripping plot summary is interspersed with lucidly explained important quotations, sometimes sans the quotations, and is followed by the spelled-out major themes and motifs.

ISIS Wishes They Had Thought of Forced Rectal Feeding First

“We can’t just start forced rectal feeding our prisoners now. That wouldn't be original,” lamented Abu Mohammad al-Adnani of the illegitimate terrorist state/wannabe-dystopia ISIS. The news of the US Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on the CIA’s controversial tactics conjured feelings of both admiration and jealousy among ISIS and its supporters. 

"Forced rectal feeding works on so many levels. There’s the use of force, then the act of putting something in someone else’s body when they don't want it there, and then ‘rectal’ just adds that little spark of genius,” said Shakir Wahiyib.

“Look, I hate those American pigs as much as any of us,” said aspiring caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “As much as it pains me to say this, we may have more in common than we think. Perhaps it’s time to set our differences aside.” Baghdadi said he was willing to offer a position to Jose A. Rodriguez Jr., former head of the C.I.A.'s Counterterrorism Center. “He may be a filthy infidel. But at the end of the day talent is talent.”

Local Cynic Convinced He’s Full of Crap

Oakland cynic Kwayk Tredson, renowned for his inability to see anything but filth and deceit behind other people’s actions and beliefs, told reporters Wednesday he is convinced that he himself is full of crap.

In Nine Generations Humanity Will Be too Stupid to Do Anything, Study Predicts

At a bingo session last Sunday, a team of elderly researchers announced their findings that the way things are looking, in nine generations humanity will finally become too goddamn stupid to perform even basic daily functions such as dressing, eating, tying their shoes, and blinking.

“We’ve all had hunches that this would happen eventually, and now we know when,” said researcher Gary Austintexas. He recalled how while his idiot children could be written off as an accident, his grandchildren’s flagrant stupidity clearly indicated of a trend. “I thought maybe it’s just my family, but after talking to the fellas and doing some preliminary research, I found out that this is a universal human phenomenon,” he said.

Official List of Living Celebrities and Dead Dogs

As you may or may not know, death is inevitable, even for celebrities. But fear not! There are also those who are living! The Pittiful News has compiled an official list of all celebrities who are dead, alive, and of unknown status.

Alive

• Lauryn Hill
• Raven Symone
• Taylor Swift
• Paul McCartney
• Cuba Gooding Jr.
• Omar Gooding

• Beyoncé’s mom Tina

• Beyoncé

• Bon Jovi
• All the Baldwin Brothers
• Jerry Springer
• Bob Barker
• Huey Lewis