ISIS Wishes They Had Thought of Forced Rectal Feeding First

“We can’t just start forced rectal feeding our prisoners now. That wouldn't be original,” lamented Abu Mohammad al-Adnani of the illegitimate terrorist state/wannabe-dystopia ISIS. The news of the US Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on the CIA’s controversial tactics conjured feelings of both admiration and jealousy among ISIS and its supporters. 

"Forced rectal feeding works on so many levels. There’s the use of force, then the act of putting something in someone else’s body when they don't want it there, and then ‘rectal’ just adds that little spark of genius,” said Shakir Wahiyib.

“Look, I hate those American pigs as much as any of us,” said aspiring caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “As much as it pains me to say this, we may have more in common than we think. Perhaps it’s time to set our differences aside.” Baghdadi said he was willing to offer a position to Jose A. Rodriguez Jr., former head of the C.I.A.'s Counterterrorism Center. “He may be a filthy infidel. But at the end of the day talent is talent.”

Baghdadi hopes his men will stay positive, just because the Americans have one good idea doesn’t mean ISIS should start beating themselves up.  “The Americans have been at this for much longer than we have, so of course they’re going to be a little ahead of us,” he said. “We should use this as inspiration. How can we take this brilliant idea and put our own twist on it?”

“Forced rectal feeding while standing on a broken leg?” suggested one ISIS fighter.

“Forces rectal feeding plus sleep depravation?” said another.

“How about butt-waterboarding?” said a third.

But Baghdadi pointed out that these were just amalgams of already used American tactics. “Come on guys! Be original! I know you have it in you,” he said.

ISIS field commander, Abu Omar al-Shishani couldn’t disagree more. He didn’t think there was anything especially great about forced rectal feeding. “Some of my colleagues seem to think it’s some kind of genius avant-garde phenomenon. Really, all the Americans did was make force-feeding into some kind of butt joke,” he said rolling his eyes. "It’s like a torture tactic I would have come up with in 7^th grade.”