Nation Goes Nuts as 10 Days Remain to Fulfil New Year’s Resolutions

Martin Pelterton wasted no time when he realized two days ago that he had forgotten all about his New Year’s resolutions for this year. He and his wife Judi, both having resolved to spend more time with their family and do exciting things, tossed their teenage children Rody and Stacy into the car and rushed off.

“With the kids in the back learning Norwegian and memorizing the dictionary, we quit smoking at once and drove to the bank – both to rob it and to get out of debt,” said Pelterton, looking up from a graduate school application. “While Judi inched toward her sister’s record in Temple Run 2 and I kept the hostages under control, we let Rody kill one of them so he could finally see whether he’s a trembling creature or has the right.” The Peltertons then continued to bond in the car while zooming through picturesque landscapes and must-see cities.

Pelterton is but one of millions of procrastinating Americans moved to such determined fulfillment of the departing year’s suddenly-remembered resolutions.

Reports confirmed that fast-paced madness seized the country. Overwhelmed by skyrocketing demand, instructors of everything from Indonesian dance to nuclear reactor maintenance are joining forces to teach everyone everything. Satellite images show the faint maroon glow over the country emanating from the strained faces of people intensely wishing for promotion, abstaining from their bad habits, and trying to change themselves for the better. While fitness clubs stay open 24/7, publishers prepare for an influx of hastily written manuscripts, and government committees steel themselves for an avalanche of the most outlandish proposed bills of the year, fast food chains and shitty employers are reporting financial losses.

“Three point one four one five nine two,” rattled off Kelsey Doonp, who had begun memorizing the first thousand digits of π right after marrying a guy from Tinder. “Six five three five eight nine.” Doonp added that after seven nine three two three eight four six two, she would six four three three eight three.

The American Illuminati declined to comment what resolutions they had left for the exciting last days of this year.