In Nine Generations Humanity Will Be too Stupid to Do Anything, Study Predicts

At a bingo session last Sunday, a team of elderly researchers announced their findings that the way things are looking, in nine generations humanity will finally become too goddamn stupid to perform even basic daily functions such as dressing, eating, tying their shoes, and blinking.

“We’ve all had hunches that this would happen eventually, and now we know when,” said researcher Gary Austintexas. He recalled how while his idiot children could be written off as an accident, his grandchildren’s flagrant stupidity clearly indicated of a trend. “I thought maybe it’s just my family, but after talking to the fellas and doing some preliminary research, I found out that this is a universal human phenomenon,” he said.

The research team used a computer model that extrapolated future generations’ average intelligence based on people’s estimates of how much dumber their children are than themselves.

“Take the same fraction of an apple each day and soon you’ll be left with the core,” explained researcher Patricia Hemfield. “Our model predicts that mankind will cross the threshold of helpless stupidity in about nine generations and any other species with half a goddamn brain will take over.”

The next issue on the research team’s agenda is whether humanity’s declining morals and increasing insolence will cross the fatal threshold before intelligence does.