Movie Theaters Remain Closed This Christmas; Jews to Sit Quietly and Think About What They Did

Christmas has always been a day of Chinese food, movies and feelings of mild-jealousy for Jews living in predominantly Christian areas.  But this year movie theatres and Chinese restaurants will remain closed on Christmas Day, due to numerous requests from Fox News correspondents and other self described “Christmas purists.”

“We Americans are starting to lose sight of Christmas Day, as a sort of time-out for the Jewish people,” said Fox News correspondent, Gretchen Carlson. In the past, many have accused Carlson of trying to push her faith/creepy love of Christmas onto others. She insists that this isn’t true. “The War on Christmas is so last year. What worries me is now that they’ve cleverly developed their own set of traditions, the boredom of being a Jew on Christmas won’t be enough to compel them to stare at a wall while thinking about what they did 2,000 years ago.”

This has caused confusion for many among the Jewish community, especially those of mixed-faith families. “What are families like ours supposed to do with the children?” wondered Mary Beth Feldman-Smith, mother of three.  “Have them open presents in the morning and engage in quiet collective-guilt related activities in the afternoon?”