Nothing Newsworthy Happened Tuesday

By Will Connor

The Pittiful News regretfully reports that nothing particularly notable happened last Tuesday, so we have no groundbreaking stories to report. However, it is our duty to provide the most important information. We’ve brought you the latest gossip and tidbits straight from the chatty people two rows in front of you in lecture.

Girlfriend in Face Mask Mistaken by Local Man as “Ready to Have Shrex”

By Holly Stavarski

Cleveland, OH –Earlier this month, one couple’s romantic night in was interrupted by a huge misunderstanding. It was Valentine’s Day and Alison Bealer had told her boyfriend, Jackson Walsh that she did not want to do anything special.

“For the past seven years we have done something fun and extravagant and I just wanted a relaxing night in with my love,” said Alison.

    

They ordered Chinese and cuddled up on the couch to watch the 2011 cinematic classic “Dolphin Tale.” After a soothing back rub from Jackson, Alison decided to try a new facial treatment and take a warm bath. Unfortunately, Jackson did not know about this plan. He saw Alison applying her green face mask and immediately ran into the bedroom. When Alison entered the room looking for her robe, she saw Jackson sprawled across the bed in the Shrek costume that he had worn for Halloween for the past five years, with his erect penis out.

   

“I screamed and ran out of the room,” Alison recalls, “I was terrified! Even more so when he ran after me and started yelling ‘DONKEY!’”

Local Man Drowns in Pussy

By I.S. Mills

The Allegheny County man who died last Tuesday as a result of his injuries in a freak bachelor party accident has been identified as Todd O’Clerigan, 26. O’Clerigan sustained contusions on his head and chest and eventually succumbed to the effects of suffocation and brain damage. Before his death, Todd’s good friend Al Brinker attempted to summon emergency personnel to the scene, but was met with levity that later proved fatal:

11:56pm Dispatcher: Nine one one, what’s your emergency?

11:56pm Brinker: Todd! My friend Todd is… drowning in pussy! Help!

11:56pm D: Haha, nice. Good for him.

11:57pm B: No, it’s not nice! He’s being crushed by all the pussy-

11:57pm D: Yo, sweet. But if you don’t have an emergency I’m going to have to let you go.

11:57pm B: This is an emergency, my friend Todd is literally being smothered…

11:57pm D: Haha, what an absolute legend! Well, let me know how it goes with him. I gotta go though.

11:58pm Dispatcher hangs up.

Student Actually Believes there are No Stupid Questions

By Leo Corman

It’s become a familiar refrain at the beginning of every semester: “If you have any confusion, please don’t hesitate to ask. There are no stupid questions.” Professors assure students that they are exceedingly approachable and will gladly answer any inquiry they have, no matter how big or small. Of course, as nearly all students and professors recognize, this is bullshit—stupid questions absolutely do exist, and such questions should be suppressed inside the stupid heads in which they originate.

Unfortunately, according to multiple reports and eyewitness accounts, freshman Kayla Roberts truly believes any question is worth asking. She feels free to blurt out whatever idiotic thing comes into her mind, without first stopping to consider, “Hey, maybe I should keep my mouth shut.”

Local Man Files Bankruptcy After Strictly Following DJ Khaled’s Keys to Success

By Danial Smith

A local man, who wishes to remain anonymous, has recently filed a petition of voluntary bankruptcy after following DJ Khaled’s keys to success. Over the past several months, DJ Khaled has spread his inspirational “keys to success” via the popular app Snapchat. With a net worth of approximately $18 million, Khaled lives a luxurious lifestyle which includes a personal chef, weekly massages and haircuts, and regular jet ski trips.

According to the petition, the man’s liabilities are listed at around $18,000. Creditors include Catherine's Personal Chef Service, Chop Chop Landscaping, Bombardier Recreational Products, and several others. “DJ Khaled said that getting massages and fresh cuts every week was a major key! He told me to ride with him through the journey of more success!” 

Local Student Takes Break from Constant Anxiety to Eat Granola Bar

By Riley Weber

Spectators were amazed last Sunday when student Eric Mills arose from his couch in order to go to his kitchen and grab a snack. Mills proceeded to open a box of granola bars and after a brief pause, selected the chocolate chip flavor. He then returned to his spot on the couch, only stopping for a second to wonder about that stain on his coffee table.

This would be the third time that day Mills had moved from the couch, the first two being a trip to the bathroom and an accidental fall during a nap. “I was just between thinking about how I’m going to fail my Biology lab and thinking that that girl in my calculus class thinks I’m a goddamn loser when it occurred to me that I should probably eat something so I don’t waste away and die,” Mills said. The excursion to the kitchen took place at approximately 4:56 PM according to Mills. “I know because around that time my friend asked if I wanted to hang out and I remember thinking that I couldn’t because I had too much work to do and also am a poison to those around me.”

Ted Cruz Eats A Whole Tub Of Cottage Cheese Every Day

By Hannah Lynn

According to several reports, GOP presidential candidate and current Texas senator Ted Cruz eats an entire tub of cottage cheese everyday for breakfast. While initially seen as a simple quirk, it evolved into something more sinister.

Jebidiah Turner, an aide on the Cruz campaign trail, noticed the senator's habits but didn't think much of it. "The first time I saw him do it I thought, 'Man, this guy sure like his cottage cheese! Nothin' wrong with that. Nothin' wrong with some [gagging sound] curdled cheese," Turner said. But as time wore on, it became clear that this was more than just a cute Cruz quirk. "By the ninth time I saw this man slurping that [gagging sound] curd, I knew that there was a deep problem."

Dear Danezie: First Colonoscopy

Dear Danezie,

My first-ever colonoscopy is coming up this month. What kind of sensation(s) should I expect?

Sincerely,

Tingly?

-

Dear Tingly?,

Great question. Allow me to tell you about my weekend trip home and hopefully it will help you out. The day I arrived at my house was the same day my mom finally saw grades from last semester. In between bong hits, she asked me how much tuition money she had wasted on me this past semester. I very clearly explained to her that a D is a passing grade and therefore I technically did pass all of my classes. She responded with, “Christ on a stick, Danezie, how the fuck did you get a D in chemistry? I have a Master’s degree in Biochemistry; I could have helped you out.” I explained to her that I would never take any advice from someone who thinks it’s okay to wear a striped shirt underneath a flannel.

Mother Hopes Second Child Isn't Also Red-head

By Phil Forrence

Rachel Kuneck was never teased as a child. Bullies steered clear of her good looks and radiant self-esteem. As a blonde bombshell, she dressed modestly, dated the high school football captain (her now husband), and had a dry wit without match. She was the life of the party and the person everyone wanted to have in their corner. That changed when she had William.

“I went to drop him off on his first day of day care, but when I asked when I should pick him up, all that people would say to me was 'A top of the mornin' to ya' and 'Don't look so scared we're not after your Lucky Charms.'” Relates Kuneck, “They wouldn't stop.”

Super Seniors Take On SuperDelegates

By BD Wahlberg

Previously! The Super Senior Justice League pursued the Party Animal horror to its Panther Hollow abode; Psychology studies paid off as The Power-Nap led an inspiring intervention on this alcohol triggered werepanther! Colder climate catalyzed confrontations as they teamed up with El Niño to take on WintryMix and The W-2some!  At home in the Secret Super Senior (and Señiorita) Solitude Sanctum, our heroes mistake Senioritis for Political Engagement!

“I can’t believe I forget about this crap every election season!” Miss’d Graduation slams her laptop shut and starts to turn invisible. “SuperDelegates. They’re going to ruin the very democracy of the Democratic party. ” Zooming in at the speed of a distraction, the ever hype Downward Spiral exclaims “Party? Where?!”

Pregnancy Scares Proved To Be Most Effective Form Of Hiccup Prevention

By Critter Fink

A recent study proved that hiccups are really only able to be cast from the body from a very serious fright. The fright proven to be most effective is a solid pregnancy scare. Researcher of science, Bob Bergér, said, “Hiccupoptomus Pneumonia has long confused and stumped the scientific community. It’s always been clear that inducing terror will rid your body of the hiccups the most effectively.” The most efficient terror has long eluded researchers.

Bergër conducted significant research in the art of fear. He tested the abilities of sudden chainsaw, snakes being thrown at the face, a hard cantaloupe thrown at the teets, a mother’s disappointment being reemphasized, 666, dank memes quickly shoved into all of your orifices, and the suburban hell of driving a minivan and cheating on your spouse with someone really ugly.

#WhoIsShe

By Elisa Ogot

No. That can't be....Miss Ben Roethlisberger?? Look at the miracles a slim cut suit can perform. Fashion. Giving you just "hopped off a plane at LAX" realness. Fashion. Except that he's getting onto a plane. FASHION. And it's the Pittsburgh International Airport. YES THOSE GRAY SLABS BETTER WORK!! They are delivering a uniform tone to y'all. Setting up a COLOR. PALETTE.

I'd like to take a second to also acknowledge Mr. North Face simply strutting his way through the background. He is a jetsetter! He does not have time for any of this! He just got off work and had to scramble from RIDC Industrial Park to board this jet because like Shia Lebouf preached in Wall Street 2, money never sleeps hoe!! With his Giant Eagle S/S 16 plastic tote in tow....SIR.

But back to Ben, he is letting you know what time of year it is with this knit scarf that he has got draped around himself. Draped, not tied. He is giving you access to the other accents of this look--the powder blue dress shirt and complimentary colored tie--with this drapery. Miss Ben said "What the fuck I look like?? Someone who is going to craft a look like this and not have every facet be on display?? Come on, bitch." No, you come on bitch!! Come on with that windswept Casablanca ass hairdo bidding us adieu from ev-er-y angle!! So much so that even Ben herself has to clutch her pearls. The drama of it all!! It's too much for even me to handle, girl.

Local Student Stabs Classmate After He Burps in Her Face

By Elisa Ogot

The following is a transcript of an interview with Pittsburgh University student, Brittany Howard from within the walls of the Allegheny County Jail where she is currently awaiting trial for stabbing her classmate, Jason Stewart, seemingly without cause.

Pittiful News: Hello Brittany. How are you holding up?

Brittany Howard: This place is actually really nice, it’s like a hotel. I’m doing great. I’m making friends, my parents have set up a commissary account...

PN: Okay, let’s cut the crap. Why did you do it?

BH: I had taken one step out of my dorm. ONE STEP. And this kid--

PN: Jason Stewart?

BH: Who?

PN: The student you stabbed.

BH: Oh, I don’t know that kid’s name.

PN: So you just--

Man Tries In Vain to Find Where Smell is coming From in Apartment

By Riley Weber

    Area man James Fernandez was startled Wednesday evening by a strange smell coming from an unidentified location in his apartment. Fernandez, a student and part-time pizza delivery boy, searched unsuccessfully for the somewhat sweet and sharp but also ripe odor for approximately 55 minutes.

Fernandez returned to his video game and figured it wasn’t that bad, and that he would just get used to it. “Yeah, at first I figured it was probably from some crazy mix from the trash, so I took that out,” said Fernandez, “but it was still there, so then I assumed it was residual throw-up on my wall from that time I drank screwdrivers alone all night. I wiped it with some water and sprayed Febreeze, and it was fine but came back after like 5 minutes.” Fernandez reportedly spent the rest of the night hoping that the girl he was kind of having a thing with would either not notice the stinging, rotten, overwhelming smell, or be okay with going to her place even though her annoying dumbass roommate would be there listening and judging because she’s a lonely fuck.

Quiz: Are These Lines From TLC’s “Toddlers And Tiaras” Or Porn Films?

By Shannon Kelly

 

1. “Why are you still wearing that?”

2. “I said smile.”

3. “You’re not ten years old.”

4. “You can’t cry. Stop crying.”

5. “There are girls out there that would kill for this.”

6. “You’re making Daddy so proud right now.”

7. “Mommy wants you to finish first.”

8. “I’ll buy you whatever you want afterwards.”

9. “Suck it up.”

How Do Animals Have Sex?

By Phil Forrence

The animal kingdom offers many diverse forms of copulation. For instance, male elephants use five foot long penises to deliver Saharan seed to their female counterparts. The female praying mantis will devour her male booty call, starting with his brain, mid-conjugal visit and usually before he has completed his carnal embrace. The bio-research team at the Pittiful News has been working for months tracking the mysteries of coitus in other species. Here are their findings:

Pigeons- Male pigeons have a low libido 364 days out of the year. Virtually no fertilization takes place in this time. However, every Martin Luther King Jr. Day, all mature male pigeons swell to twice their size and spray pigeon semen lawn-sprinkler style all over the city. This horribly inefficient pro-creative method has a .1% success rate.

Alligators- Female alligators will set up Burmese Tiger traps near swamps. Male gators will notice these traps and check them for delicious trapped Burmese tigers. When this occurs, females will sneak up and push the unsuspecting males into the traps. Then they will have horrendously inconceivable gator sex that can last up to thirteen hours and caused at least three researchers to vomit.  

An Open Letter To The Guy That Is Going To Date My Best Friend

By Shannon Kelly
 
Have you met Shelly? She’s the worst. The absolute worst. The worst human being. Why would you want to date her? I’ve been her friends for over 10 years and trust me, you don’t want to spend too much time with her. I’ll just tell you about a few things Shelly does that makes her an absolute screw-up. Shelly once drank half a glass of wine and tried to steal our neighbor’s dog by scaling their five foot fence at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday. 

How To Break The Ice On A First Date

 by Jessica Simpson
 

1. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden.  Bitches love pasta.
2. Take a lesson from Pathfinders and avoid traditional ice-breaking techniques.
3. Buy an ice sculpture in the shape of a giant cube, a swan, or Cupid.
4. Carry said sculpture with you in a red wagon to the restaurant. Beware of bumps on the sidewalk or people mistaking the sculpture for your child.
5. Arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes before your date.  The element of surprise is vital.
6. Have a waiter bring the ice to your table after you’ve eaten all of the breadsticks.
7. Take out your spare hammer, knife, or small chainsaw and start to hit the sculpture violently.  Put your back into it.  The cold never bothered you anyway.
8. Don’t forget to bring an extra hammer, knife, or small chainsaw for your date—you can’t break the ice alone.
9. The ice must not melt!  Vanilla Ice, Ice T, and Ice Cube all recommend that if the task proves too slippery, you and your potential lover must tackle the sculpture.
10. If that doesn’t work out just crush some ice cubes from a glass of water with your fist and call it a day.

Op Ed: Oscar Nominations an Embarrassment to the Film Industry

By Hannah Lynn

The first thing I saw this morning when I looked at my phone was that this year's Oscar nominations had been announced. I quickly scanned the list of actors and directors nominated before confirming what I already knew: the Oscars are run by a bunch of stodgy old white men who can't recognize good art when they see it.

Local Woman Issues Cease and Desist to Friend Who Constantly Messages Disgusting Things

By Dippy Diplodocus

After being on the receiving end of several months’ worth of “unsolicited, inappropriate communication,” Oakland resident Kuki Sanban had had enough and decided that it was time to take legal action. This came in the form of a cease and desist letter, issued to Abigail Lincoln, who also resides here in Oakland and is a good friend of Kuki’s.

“Since our middle school days, Abigail has always been a wild card,” said Sanban. “But lately she’s been taking things too far. Day in and day out, she sends me these very gross, often sexually explicit text messages. I kept asking her to stop, but it didn’t seem like I was getting through. I felt that I had to do something drastic.”

Floor Takes Uncanny Liking To RA

By Milo Davis

A floor in a freshman residence hall has finally caught the attention of university officials with their unusual behavior. Ever since the start of the fall semester, students living on floor 20 of Tower A have shown an extreme amount of interest in their resident assistant, Sarah. According to reports, the majority of the decorations that adorn floor 20 were not put up by the RA, but they do feature the RA. Pictures pulled from her Facebook profile grace the hallway walls, and an intricate shrine to her infinite greatness displays proudly in the communal bathroom, a now sacred spot for the floor’s denizens.

Scientists: Not All Pictures Worth 1000 Words

By Phil Forrence

This picture is worth very few words:
 

Top Ten Best Newberry Medal Honored Book Titles

By Dippy Diplodocus

The Pittiful News presents a list of the top 10 best-named Newberry Medal Honored book titles. These are not made up. These are all completely real children’s books that have not only been published but won awards.

1. “Gay Neck, the Story of a Pigeon”
2. “...And Now Miguel”
3. “Good Masters! Sweet Ladies! Voices from a Medieval Village”
4. “Millions of Cats”
5. “Runaway Papoose”
6. “Doll Bones”
7. “The Pigtail of Ah Lee Ben Loo with Seventeen Other Laughable Tales and 200 Comical Silhouettes”
8. “Calico Bush”
9. “Pancakes-Paris”
10. “Queer Person”

X = 5, Mathematicians Announce

By Ilya Yashin

At an emergency press conference last night, held only 12 hours before the homework was due, a team of over-caffeinated top American mathematicians announced that x = 5. “We got it! We got it! X equals five!” they screamed, high-fiving and fist-bumping each other, to the relief and cheers of the audience.

“Okay, so you see these two sets of parentheses here and here?” said Jeremy Pelson, Professor Emeritus at MIT, pointing at the first of four lines of the solution to the problem reportedly worth 20 points total with possible partial credit. “FOIL them, then divide by x-squared on both sides and combine this thing with this one here, factor out the coefficients and solve for x and you’re done!”

Quiz: Are These One Direction Lyrics or Serial Killer Quotes?

By Shannon Kelly

1. “I was brainwashed into killing Debbie Ackerman and Maria Johnson in November 1971.”
2. “We’re like na na na then we’re like yeah yeah yeah”
3. “I’ve killed so many women I have a hard time keeping them straight”
4. “Katy Perry’s on replay, she’s on replay, DJ got the floor to shake, the floor to shake”
5. “If everytime we tuh-uh-touch, you get this kind of ruh-uh-ush baby say yeah yeah yeah”
6. “I just wanted to see how it felt to shoot Grandma”
7. “Tonight let’s get some and live while we’re young [guitar solo]”
8. “I just said that the Hawkin’s girl’s head was severed and taken up the road about twenty-five to fifty yards and buried in a location about ten yards west of the road on a rocky hillside.”
9. “The demons wanted my penis”
10. “So we laugh at na-na-nothing”