An Open Letter To The Guy That Is Going To Date My Best Friend

By Shannon Kelly
 
Have you met Shelly? She’s the worst. The absolute worst. The worst human being. Why would you want to date her? I’ve been her friends for over 10 years and trust me, you don’t want to spend too much time with her. I’ll just tell you about a few things Shelly does that makes her an absolute screw-up. Shelly once drank half a glass of wine and tried to steal our neighbor’s dog by scaling their five foot fence at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday. 


Shelly once told me she likes snacking in her bed because the crumbs remind her of the texture of the beach. Shelly’s New Year’s kiss this year was with our Lyft driver. Shelly once woke up from a nap to the sound of an ambulance siren outside and said “at this hour?” Last weekend, Shelly spent four hours on the phone with a call center to get refunded a 59-cent shipping fee. 

Shelly once forced me to watch an hour long taped recording of Saved by the Bell: On Ice. When her sister was between the ages of 5 and 11, Shelly would leave notes underneath her sister’s pillow once a month in cut-up magazine letters saying “Lucky isn’t on that farm, he’s buried in the backyard.” Every time I complain about rent, Shelly sends me an email with the subject line “Problem $olved” and a link to a new Sugar Daddy website. When I asked why Shelly’s purse smelled like bananas, she responded “because I keep bananas in there.”  Overall, she’s the worst. Please don’t date her.