Local Student Takes Break from Constant Anxiety to Eat Granola Bar

By Riley Weber

Spectators were amazed last Sunday when student Eric Mills arose from his couch in order to go to his kitchen and grab a snack. Mills proceeded to open a box of granola bars and after a brief pause, selected the chocolate chip flavor. He then returned to his spot on the couch, only stopping for a second to wonder about that stain on his coffee table.

This would be the third time that day Mills had moved from the couch, the first two being a trip to the bathroom and an accidental fall during a nap. “I was just between thinking about how I’m going to fail my Biology lab and thinking that that girl in my calculus class thinks I’m a goddamn loser when it occurred to me that I should probably eat something so I don’t waste away and die,” Mills said. The excursion to the kitchen took place at approximately 4:56 PM according to Mills. “I know because around that time my friend asked if I wanted to hang out and I remember thinking that I couldn’t because I had too much work to do and also am a poison to those around me.”

Reactions to Mills’ trip were varied. The Quaker Oats Company put out the following statement “We’re very pleased that Eric chose our product for his existential crisis. We hope to maintain the image that our company makes the perfect product for not letting your body digest its own muscle in order to survive.” This event is following the groundbreaking venture by Katherine Dolphman, who attracted media attention when she stopped in the middle of her mental breakdown drink a glass of water earlier this week. Mills closed with the announcement that the granola bar was somewhat satisfying, and that he may even try to eat another tomorrow after putting his life back together piece by piece.