Local Man Drowns in Pussy

By I.S. Mills

The Allegheny County man who died last Tuesday as a result of his injuries in a freak bachelor party accident has been identified as Todd O’Clerigan, 26. O’Clerigan sustained contusions on his head and chest and eventually succumbed to the effects of suffocation and brain damage. Before his death, Todd’s good friend Al Brinker attempted to summon emergency personnel to the scene, but was met with levity that later proved fatal:

11:56pm Dispatcher: Nine one one, what’s your emergency?

11:56pm Brinker: Todd! My friend Todd is… drowning in pussy! Help!

11:56pm D: Haha, nice. Good for him.

11:57pm B: No, it’s not nice! He’s being crushed by all the pussy-

11:57pm D: Yo, sweet. But if you don’t have an emergency I’m going to have to let you go.

11:57pm B: This is an emergency, my friend Todd is literally being smothered…

11:57pm D: Haha, what an absolute legend! Well, let me know how it goes with him. I gotta go though.

11:58pm Dispatcher hangs up.

During Brinker’s phone call, O’Clerigan was suffocating under the bodies of twelve exotic dancers. The dancers had been rendered immobile when a makeshift stage that the host of the bachelor party, Alan Sullivan, built, collapsed suddenly.

“There was dust and stuff everywhere and when it cleared we saw that the girls had been pinned, mostly in, like, a sitting position, to the ground by all the debris from the stage,” said Brinker of the incident.

“Todd said he was going to go get, you know, a better look,” explained another partygoer, who whishes to remain anonymous. “Like, the floor was Plexiglas, so he crawled under the stage to, you know.”

O’Clerigan was then trapped under the seated dancers when the stage collapsed. Family members of Todd O’Clerigan are planning to sue Alan Sullivan for damages.