Queer Restroom Vandalism Raises Fear of Bomb Threats

Parties unknown have vandalized the ground floor restrooms of the Cathedral of Learning. The message “tear down these stalls, tear down these walls—sex segregated restrooms perpetuate heteronormative oppression!” has been written in bold black strokes of permanent marker on the inside of a stall door in the grounds floor men’s room. Meanwhile, the mirrors of the women’s restroom have been covered with the slogan “University, Unity, Urinals!” scrawled repeatedly in various shades of lipstick.

The Greatest Dilemma: 420 vs. Easter

April 20th is usually a day of celebration: mothers, fathers, and children of all colors unite in a dank haze of love and equality. But this year, the celebration is dampened by the interference of one of the only two holidays that the majority of Catholics actually observe. Yesterday, historians made the shocking discovery that 420 and Easter fall on the same day.

 “It is a phenomena that takes place every 990.5 years,” says Dr. Wendell Grassé of the Smithsonian Calendar History Museum, “I could have sworn that we had at least another 30 years before this would happen. I was planning a nice weekend trip to Pottstown, until I looked at my Garfield calendar and realized what day 420 was. It really snuck up on everyone.”

 Tragically, many University of Pittsburgh students were caught off guard as well.

 “My mom bought me a ticket to come home for Easter, but I am not giving up this opportunity to get high on 420,” says junior Amy Pasker, “I gave up weed for lent and I already awkwardly texted that dealer that I slept with that one time. I didn’t just go through all that trouble for nothing. ”

 Father Travis Cherkowicz of St. Paul’s Catholic church believes that getting high, especially on Easter, is purely disrespectful to the Lord. “Jesus should be the only person that is getting risen this Easter Sunday. If you devil’s children want to feel like you are being ascended into heaven, you are going to have to get crucified and do it the hard way!”

 According to Ben Wahlberg of ‘Pittiful News’ “The Jew View,” “The Pitt Jewish community shares similar hang-ups regarding the celebration of 4/20 this year, as it falls smack in the middle of Passover.” From sunset April 14th until sundown April 22nd, Jews will refrain from eating leavened bread, or products related to leavened bread, called chametz (pronounced chhhhchchgh).

 Rabbis are in great conflict over whether the leavening one feels after consuming marijuana breaks the sacred commandments of the holiday. “If our ancestors fleeing Pharaoh did not have time to bake their bread, how do you think you have time to bake your head!” answers witty Conservative Rabbi Shmuel Goldbergmanstein.

 In stark contrast, Reform Rabbi Beth “Radbi” Rosen has stood firm on her view: “The law says don’t eat leavened bread. Weed sure wasn’t leavened bread last time I checked! Moses’s journey started with burning bush; sounds like appropriate remembrance to me.”

 Though both Catholics and Jews have not come to a consensus, one thing is for certain; there will be a whole lot of guilt this April 20th.

“It’s a Small World” Celebrates 50 Years: A Look Back at Other Classic Disney Rides

“The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio” Epcot

“Hi, I’m Walt Disney. Did you know that Westerville is a suburb outside of Columbus, which is a town in Ohio?” These magical words have inspired so much whimsy and awe in our little ones that it would be a crime not to include The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio in our must-ride list. The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio gave guests the unique opportunity to see what it’s like to walk on a sidewalk, look at a post office, and see a fire hydrant!

‘Pittiful News’ Final Exam Study Tips

Finals are coming up and “The Pittiful News” did not want to leave you hanging before getting down to business and studying your little bum off. Here are some of our time-tested, old standby exam tips.

Mystery Solved: Baby Pigeons Don’t Exist

Ornithologist Walter Klyuk discovered that baby pigeons don't exist.

We have all seen the cute kittens and puppies, the pinkish newborn mice, the tiger cubs and bear cubs. We can picture ducklings waddling in line after mother duck, baby chicks the color of the springtime sun, featherless eagle hatchlings in their nest, shrieking for food with their beaks wide open. But what about such omnipresent animals as pigeons? Have you ever seen a baby pigeon, even on a photograph? Why not?

Walter Klyuk, an ornithologist at the National Aviary in Pittsburgh, said this question had been pecking at him from childhood until a year ago.

“In college, the ornithology professors told us that the reason we don’t see baby pigeons around,” said Klyuk, “is that the urban environment is so dangerous that hatchlings are reared somewhere safe and far away and stay there until they’re the size of an adult, and that there are no pictures of baby pigeons simply because the matter is too trivial and obvious for scientific inquiry. But I never bought any of that baloney.”

RJZL Sparks Mass Outrage

All over the country people flooded the streets. They shouted and shrieked, shook angry fists at government buildings and police officers, spat on monuments and PLZK’s. They clambered up the Capitol building and felled trees in Central Park.

“People seem to be pissed off by all this RJZL business,” said construction worker Ludwig Mushroom, PhD, JLY. “This government act is certainly the most radical since the MaKLI legislation of the 90’s, but nobody expected such an extreme reaction.”

Graduating Pitt Student Depressed over Having Found a Job that Fits his Major

Hundreds of University of Pittsburgh students will officially become graduates after the last week of April. Dressed-up and lively, brimming with knowledge and ambition, these young men and women will walk out into the long-awaited “real world” to enter the workforce as clerks and assistants, as “valued staff members” with titles as vague as they are euphemistic, performing tasks fit for an eighth-grader and which have little to do with their majors or the classes they have taken. They have been preparing for this during their entire college careers; Brian Samster’s fate, however, proved more tragic.

Pitt to Improve its Ranking through Annual Modernization

University of Pittsburgh’s Board of Trustees, in consultation with a panel of professors, approved a reform package aimed at improving the quality of undergraduate education offered at Pitt and raising its national and international ranking. The report released by the Board summarizes the new laws, which will take effect immediately.

Thus, the common practice of professors requiring the latest and most expensive editions of textbooks is now a requirement for all classes. Brian Shelf, a Pitt professor of something and a member of the panel, said that “the decision was based on numerous studies showing that reshuffling chapters and exercises improves student learning and performance.”

But this was only the tip of the iceberg.

That One Paper Will Be Easy

You should not worry about the term paper in that one class you’ve been skipping because lectures are so easy and commonsense, states a report published by all of University of Pittsburgh’s departments, guaranteeing that it will be just as quick and easy as you expect.

Unconfirmed: "Chancellor Gallagher" Resume Leaked!

We here at "The Pittiful News" value journalistic integrity. However, when University moles gave us the scoop that some new guy called a "Chancellor" - possibly pronounced "CHONK-ya-lar," more details to come - was being vetted despite a kinda weird resume, we jumped at the occasion to publish the materials we had so you, the tuition-payer could see his or her (or possibly lizard's or lizardess's, again, more details to come) resume. Proceed at your own risk.

Tautology Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 –April 19)

Your skin is pale from the lack of sun of you have not been out in the sun. When you go out into the sun, your skin will slowly darken or burn.

 Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

If you are a man or a woman, you are powerful and in charge. You are able to walk any way you choose, most likely in shoes.

Students Continue to Jaywalk in Hopes of Getting Hit By a Car

By Hannah Lynn
 
In the past few months, the Pitt Campus Police have been cracking down on jaywalking, specifically across Forbes near David Lawrence Hall. Students have been encouraged to use the Skywalk above Forbes as an alternative. “We’re just trying to keep students safe,” said Pitt Police Officer Jack Wells. “I know these kids want to get to class as quick as possible, but it’s not worth risking their lives.”

What Wells, along with the rest of the police force, fail to realize is that Pitt students actively do not give a shit. According to Sophomore Charlie Evans, he and other students will continue to jaywalk, regardless of the risk. “I just want to get to class in as little time as possible, but if get hit by a car, that’s just an added bonus,” he said. While Evans’ response might be shocking to some adults, it is a common sentiment among his fellow youths. Junior Elsa Larson has similar feelings about the illegal street crossing. “My main motivation for going to class is that there’s the possibility I might get hit by a car on the way there,” she said.

Pittsburgh University Releases New Dream Interpretations

Researchers at Pittsburgh University released a comprehensive list of dream interpretations to aid non-experts in their subconscious understanding.

The research team led by Professor Claire N. Porring MA, MBA, MA, PhD, PhD, have been working for three years and studying many participants in order to better understand what is going on when our eyelids are shut.

The research team has made three interpretations available for the public, but the rest you can only access if you are also a scholar and can afford those expensive scholarly journal articles, or if you have the desire to wait four months until it is released in the nearest Barnes and Noble to you.

The Pittiful News has secured the three interpretations and presents them to you below: