‘Pittiful News’ Final Exam Study Tips

Finals are coming up and “The Pittiful News” did not want to leave you hanging before getting down to business and studying your little bum off. Here are some of our time-tested, old standby exam tips.

1. If you’re stuck on more than a few questions, remember these statistics:  university surveys show that 28% of multiple choice answers are “C” and, surprisingly, over 45% of essay answers are just “Cheese go vroom vroom. Enough with the grenades, Lorraine.”

2. So what if you don’t know the material? Fold your exam booklet into a beautiful origami woodpecker. Your professor will never be tempted to unfold such a masterpiece in order to look at your answers and he or she will give you an “A” for artistic virtuosity.

3. Be sure to use a wooden #2 pencil. Studies have revealed time and time again that touching a wooden pencil allows you to tap into the eternal wisdom of our great, eternal teacher, Father Oak.

4. Try to keep your stress level low after the test has started. During the examination period, unbutton your pants and converse with the student next to you about how wacky your family’s Thanksgivings are.

5. Don’t feel bad if the test isn’t going well and you need to give up. Professors are widely-known for being understanding and will gladly push you on the swings while you talk about your life problems.