Pittsburgh University Releases New Dream Interpretations

Researchers at Pittsburgh University released a comprehensive list of dream interpretations to aid non-experts in their subconscious understanding.

The research team led by Professor Claire N. Porring MA, MBA, MA, PhD, PhD, have been working for three years and studying many participants in order to better understand what is going on when our eyelids are shut.

The research team has made three interpretations available for the public, but the rest you can only access if you are also a scholar and can afford those expensive scholarly journal articles, or if you have the desire to wait four months until it is released in the nearest Barnes and Noble to you.

The Pittiful News has secured the three interpretations and presents them to you below:

The Losing Teeth Dream

75% of the subjects under study have confessed to having dreams where they lose some or all of their teeth in a very painless way. These dreams often freak the subjects out, causing them to schedule dentist appointments the next day. The subject are taking this dream too literally, they need to think deeper into the meaning. Dreams with tooth loss represent your feelings of loneliness. Normally when you have missing teeth dreams, you are in a time of your life where no one really wants to hang out with you, including your teeth. In these dreams, your teeth are falling out because they just don’t think you are that cool. Some subjects who had this dream have reported dreams where fingers and toes fall off next. This study cannot prove Losing Teeth Dreams represent loneliness, they can also be your subconscious telling you that you need to floss more often and visit a dentist. Call Dr. Clair N. Porring DDS at  (412) 456-7567 to schedule an appointment. If you mention this study, your free toothbrush and floss will be free at no-cost, just take them and stop being such a downer!

Running But Not Able To Move Dream

This is the second most common dream found amongst our study group. The dream consists of a reason to run away from something and the increasing difficulty in order to run. The difficulty could be from a pulling back feeling, jelly legs, or the lack of legs. All three scenarios and other point to the same conclusion: you need to do more handstands. It is possible for a person to walk on their hands, and guess what, you are not one of those people. Your lack of ability to run is hinting at your desire to do more activities with your hands and arms, not your feet and legs. Give the other extremities a little more love. Our research team is sure that if you do one handstand a day, the frequency of the Running But Not Able To Move Dream will decrease to ZERO! Based on our research, we found that the subject who could do a hand stand did not ever have the Running But Not Able To Move Dream. Be more like them, do a handstand today, you lanky weirdo.

Stranded On A Boat In The Middle Of The Ocean Dream

Have you ever dreamt that you were stranded in the middle of an ocean with no land to be seen on a boat by yourself? Then you have had the Stranded On A Boat In The Middle Of The Ocean Dream. This dream is common to everyone! It does not discriminate. Even if you haven’t been to the ocean before, you at least know what it looks like and your subconscious will play with it. The dream is often coupled with intense fear, heavy breathing, and violent middle of the night arm flailing. Subjects wake up on the floor (out of the boat) breathing heavily and sweating profusely. These dreams are not to be taken lightly. But what do these dreams mean? They simply mean that the ocean is a fucking terrifying place and you should never go to it again. This is less of a meaning, and more of a warning. Your subconscious is trying to tell you that it did not enjoy that one time you went to the shores of New Jersey and found a medical needle. It also did not appreciate that one time you were on the beach in Key West and you could see the oil floating on top of the ocean surface. Your subconscious is not down with trips to South Africa to videotape sharks for yet another documentary about the most terrifying creature in the world (besides the spider I found in my house last night). So give it a break. Stay inland. Fuck the ocean. You know what lives in the ocean? That scary ass Angler Fish lives there. Know how you get to the Angler Fish? You don’t see it while snorkeling, you must got into the depth after you fall off that stupid boat you were hanging out on. Land for life.