Fall Flavored Drugs

By Megan Kline

A leaf fell, and you know what that means. IT’S FALL! It’s officially the best season of the year, so why not celebrate with some new seasonal flavored drugs? Pre-game those pumpkin patches and apple orchards with the latest and greatest seasonal selections! MMM…Fall sure is addicting!

1. Pumpkin Spice Smack

Yum! Starbucks has nothing on this sweet new flavor, available at your local drug dealer for a limited time only. It’s a favorite!

Local Naïve Freshman Doesn’t Know She Wants to Be Dead Yet

By: Riley Weber

“College is so amazing. I love the people, the city and my classes. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life,” were the words freshman Tess Kopanski tweeted after her first week of classes. This tweet, along with several other joyful tweets sent shortly thereafter, have sent ripples through the upperclassmen community who all thought, in unison, “Aw, that’s adorable.”

10 Things that lasted longer than Brock Turner's jail sentence for violent sexual assault

By Hannah Lynn

Brock Turner, the infamous Stanford rapist sentenced to only six months of jail time for committing a violent rape, was released from prison today after serving only three months of his sentence. Now that's not a lot of time, is it? We've compiled a list of things longer than his comically short stint behind bars.

1. Kim Kardashian's marriage to Kris Humphries
2. One semester of college
3. Standing in line at the DMV to renew your license 
4. Cooking a thanksgiving turkey 
5. Reading Infinite Jest
6. Lincoln Chafee's presidential campaign 
7. Watching "Gone with the Wind" with your mom 
8. An Oscar acceptance speech for best supporting actress
9. Summer break
10. The prison sentence of a black man arrested for having half of a half of a gram of weed in his pocket

"No Looking Back Now," Says Man with Stiff Neck

By Leo Corman

Local man Owen Miller woke up this morning with a stiff neck, but he remained determined not to let that ruin his day. “I just can’t look back, I have to keep moving forward,” explained Miller. “Like I really, really can’t look back.” Unfortunately, Miller’s day did not improve from there.

Seven Years After Its Release, Miley Cyrus's "The Climb" Still Inspires

By Elisa Ogot

Seven years ago, as part of the soundtrack for the seminal classic “Hannah Montana: The Movie,” Miley Cyrus released one of the most uplifting tracks of the century: “The Climb.” Today, Cyrus’s anthem of hope and perseverance is still helping people work through trying times in their lives. In celebration of the “The Climb’s” seven year anniversary, we reached out into the community and got some people to share their testimonials on how “The Climb” has changed their lives.

Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space

By Megan Klein

  

 Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space After Loving Speaker, Yilo Miannopoulos Preaches Equality.

Shouts of protest lauded the William Pitt Assembly room as Yilo Miannopolous, world renowned liberal “love-speaker”, preached messages of egalitarianism. Yilo is known for her work in Africa and the UN as an Equality-Ambassador. Pitt Police expected this event to be semi-chaotic, brought to campus by the student organization Freedom Unity Compassion Kindness Sympathy. This organization is known around campus for creating active and arousing campaigns to be better people.

Local Student Opens Bong Summer Camp

By Ossia Dwyer

One simple idea has skyrocketed local student Vance Mulroney from Oakland burnout to well known ‘ganjapreneur.’  Frustrated last summer with the scramble to find a place for the bong he bought with some money his grandparents gave him, Mulroney thought other people may be suffering a similar problem.  “I had all of this extra space in my house on Lawn Street and like no one ever comes here because of that creepy murder house,” says Vance. “And ever since I started smoking weed in college to look cool and fit in, I have felt a passion for bongs that is definitely not just because all of my friends also feel that way.”

Review of Sentience: Starts Off Strong, Quickly Declines

By Danial Smith



For the past 19 years, I’ve experience the phenomenon known as sentience. Odds are you’re familiar with it. But in case you’re not and are on the fence about trying it, I’m here to help clear up any doubts. Overall, sentience is painfully mediocre. It starts off strong, but quickly declines in quality. The first couple years were pretty unclear and confusing. Most of the time you’re not really sure what’s going on and you’re hungry and upset. After a few years, it hits its peak. The novelty of it all is still relatively fresh, and the crushing realities of this bleak world haven’t quite set in yet. Around the 12th year in, things start to get awkward and uncomfortable. People get meaner and everything gets harder. At this point, it’s all downhill from here. For years to come, you’ll find yourself questioning your very existence and (ironically?) joking about walking into traffic. Overall, the whole experience seems uninspired and quite average. I think my 2.5/5 star rating is being generous.

Gym Rats Implement "Elbow Day"

By Ariel Pastore

Last Thursday, also known as “Pecs and Lats Day,” two bros pumpin’ iron felt that these designated lift days leave out several important muscle groups. Brock and Clifton discussed it amongst themselves at an extremely loud whisper so everyone at the gym could hear.

Mark Zuckerberg is Coming to Your Wedding!

By Riley Weber

You have one new Facebook notification. Hey! Hey you, Facebook user! Do you know what Mark Zuckerberg is up to? Do you care? Perhaps even give a rat’s ass? If not, too bad! This is Facebook telling you His exact activities and whereabouts for the past 96 hours, enjoy! Man, this Mark Zuckerberg fellow is wonderful, isn’t He? You all love Him. You know what would be amazing? If He came to your wedding. Oh, wait. He is!

Student Sells Body Parts for New Minimalist Lifestyle

By Dana Good



Since the minute she stepped foot on campus, Samantha Brown was constantly told she needs to go to graduate school. After doing some research, Brown was slightly disheartened by the high cost, but found a new positive outlook on the situation, “I didn’t think it was going to be that expensive, but I’m not too worried about paying for it. I found out that in Mexico City they pay $55,000 just for a kidney. That got me thinking—I can sell all of these body parts I have no use for and pay for grad school. It’s very chic.”

Undiscovered Pittsburgh Summer Activities

By Ossia Dwyer

It’s finally getting warmer in this ice tray we call Pittsburgh and that means time to explore this coal mecca we call home.  Now that Downtown is not constantly masked in a cool black smog, there is plenty to do and it’s safe to go outside.  Here are some ideas if you are looking to explore off the beaten path.

If you want to spend more time on Pittsburgh’s rivers.....

Try Crusty Pete’s Island Adventure Tours.  Join Crusty Pete and his trusty boat-themed pick-up truck the SS Grundle for a look at some of Pittsburgh’s best spots on the river.  This tour meets in the parking lot near the sketchy back part of the casino.  Life jackets not recommended. Thursdays are Billy Joel theme nights.  Tours only meet Thursday nights.

If you want to spend more time longboarding...

Try the Glass, Sharp Rocks, and Dry Concrete Pile.  Located in the weird section of town between Downtown and the South Side, the GSRDCP has all the pain, residual scratches, and embarrassment of learning how to longboard at only double the cost.  A ticket gets you a full day of all the pile activities you could ever think of.  Only Diner Club cards are accepted as payment.  Not associated with the Loose Gravel Emporium.

If you love the views off of the Duquesne Incline…..

Try the Window Washing Platform of Terror.  For thrill seekers of all ages, this experience will be one you may forget but only because of the residual concussions.  Hop on these formally blasé pieces of metal and toe the line of death when the cables are suddenly cut totally on purpose.  No refunds if platform doesn’t actually fall.  Check out our ad in the back of Steel City Vixens: Pittsburgh’s only softcore and ore themed adult magazine.

This Letter is for the Police

By Elisa Ogot

Hi Police!

It’s me, Elisa. I guess if you’re here and you’re reading this, I have been murdered (RIP). In which case, ha! I was right! I know who did it. It hands down has gotta be Todd. Man, the craziest part about all of this is that I saw the signs, but haha he still got me!

First of all, his name is freaking Todd. Raise your hand if you’ve ever met a Todd that wasn’t almost certainly a murderer...am I right, officers? All jokes aside, Todd and I have worked together for seven months now and it seems as though his long, lanky frame is lurking every way I turn. Like literally every way. I would say that about once a day I round a corner at work and I find him standing stock still in front of me, whispering about the number of Olive Gardens that he would like to take me to (27 at last count). One time, I asked him to help me find something in the stockroom at work and he just looked up and held my gaze for a full fifteen seconds before answering, The answer he gave wasn’t even relevant! I said “Todd...where do we keep the USB sticks?” And after fifteen seconds of unblinking, mouth breathing hell he responded with “Do you think these are Formica or glazed ceramic tile countertops?”

I told my friends about all of these incidents to try and get their take on things and each one of them gave me responses like “Awww, he thinks you’re cute!” or “He just wants to date you!” Well, jokes on you guys because that was not the case! The reddest of flags should have been raised a couple of days ago, when he came up behind me and whispered directly into my ear that he’d been watching me for the “entire duration” of my shift. I remember thinking “Wow, duration! Great word! Stellar vocabulary!” But now I’m not thinking anything. Because of rigor mortis setting in, my brain ceasing to function, you know, standard corpse stuff...

Anyway cool! That’s really all that I wanted to tell you. Go arrest him now please!

Love you, miss you, bye,

Elisa

List of Most Used Words in English

By Steven Jaindl

1. Diurnal
2. Crap
3. Quotidian
4. These
5. Dan
6. Ugh
7. Crap
8. Hrothgar
9. Pants
10. Handschuhe

Really Cool Places to Visit Before You Die

By Jess Simpson

1. 15 Yemen Road, Yemen
2. The Baltimore Ann Taylor
3. The ripped backseat of my mom’s Nissan minivan (license plate: FRQ892)
4. Lord Farquaad’s castle
5. Allegheny County Jail parking space number 5

Lifestyle 011: Party Ideas

By Megan Klein


 It’s almost the end of the semester, and instead of going out like you said you would last weekend, or the weekend before, or the weekend before that when you continuously drank yourself into a stupor, before you fashioned a kiddie pool for yourself, and proceeded to sit in it all night, claiming it was a “pool party,” then threw all of your ramen in for “wet noodles” while watching Mary Poppins on the laptop you eventually drowned as you flooded your bathroom, much to the dismay of your roommates saying, “Not again, Big Joey,” and “Please change your ring tone to something other than Selena Gomez. It’s embarrassing.” If that’s the case, spice things up a little bit with some alternative party ideas!

1. Peasant Party- Also known as Proletarians vs. Peasants. Everyone dresses up as realistic characters from the French Revolution, and litter the dirty streets of South Oakland. Play the Les Miserables soundtrack on repeat throughout the night, and drink sewer water! For a rad time, the peasants become imprisoned, and in a drunken stupor everyone shouts the lyrics to “Do You Hear the People Sing.” Rats run amuck, and people bathe in trash before starting upheavals and brawls.
2. Stanford Prison Experiment- Relive the famous Stanford Prison Experiment. Police officers arrest prisoners in the middle of the night, and in a fun twist, the guards abuse the prisoners into psychological submission to the point where it is no longer an experiment.
3. Murder Mystery Party- Exactly like Clue, but real! Everyone gets drunk, and has to cover up a murder! Was it James in the bathroom with the cocaine and razor? Or was it Lexi in the living room with the broken alcohol bottle?
4. Zodiac killer party- Based on the life of Ted Cruz, everyone wears those “hip” 70’s style serial killer glasses so no one has to conceal their true nature any longer. You’re all a bunch of serial killers, and in an impulsive moment find your latest victims while playing some sweet tunes. Playlist can include: “Mr. Sandman”, you know, that classic song everyone gets murdered to in movies, and now real life!
5. The Most Dangerous Game- A party for sociopaths! Let loose, literally, let your guests loose, as they run around your woods while you chase them for several days. Happy Hunting!

For more fun party ideas and lifestyle tips and tricks, follow the Pittiful News on Twitter @PittifulNews.

Super Senior Justice League Showdown Against Señor Itis

By B. D. Wahlberg

Previously! Our Super Seniors set to squashing superdelegates, saving schoolwork for some Saturday. Papers and projects pile up. Idleness is inviting, and even protesting problematic presenters proves petty. And so, from far fathoms of the Cathedral of Learning, starts a swelling, a tendril trembling through the tunnels! BLARRR BLARRR BLARRR the Super Senior Siren sounds through the Secret Super Senior (and Señiorita) Solitude Sanctum! “Ughhhh five more minutes,” moans The Power Nap, roused from a pleasant siesta. “Future Shock, you answer it. I’m almost to the boss level,” assigns Downward Spiral, focused on beating her personal best time. “Like hell, lol. Easy Mac isn’t goin’ to make itself, ya know. Miss’d Graduation, can you get it?” BLARRR BLARRR BLARRR

“Kayden” Declared Most Popular Name for Toilet Babies

By Holly Stavarski

Every year, expectant mothers await for Social Security Administration and Parents.com to release their list of “Most Popular Baby Names” in hopes that it will help them in their search for something to call their little bundle of joy. This year the SSA has decided to expand their demographic to those women who do not know that they are expecting.

“Since the dawn of time, there have been women who have carried a baby to full term without knowing that they were pregnant,” said Chairman Art Winney. “Many of them are unprepared and have not spent the appropriate nine months of slaving away at trying to decide what they should name their baby.”

In order to give these mom’s a helping hand, the SSA has collected data from the show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to come up with a full list of names for babies who were born in the commode.

“The name ‘Kayden’ won by a landslide, but the names ‘Brooklynn’, ‘Uhh… Toothbrush?’, and ‘Plop’ were also fairly popular.”

Though Chairman Winney is unsure if this list will be utilized by new mothers who were caught off guard, stating “They certainly haven’t used the lists we have made in the past.” He is sure that names that have been long debated, like his own name, “Art,” turn out much better.

Most Fuckable Monsters

By Holly Stavarski

Every time you watch a horror movie you wrack your brain trying to answer the age old question, “Would I fuck this monster?” Don’t let this get in your way of enjoying a movie again! I’ve already thought about it for you, and your answer lies here in this comprehensive list of Most Fuckable Monsters.

5.  Ghosts

The ghosts depicted in horror movies are all usually on the Least Fuckable Monsters list because they are always some asshole demon that is out to kill the family that just bought the creepy farmhouse in the woods. But if you’ve never had one yank you out of bed by your ankle in the middle of the night and slam you up against the ceiling then boy oh boy are you not doing it right. Ghosts are the ultimate lovers if you like it rough and terrifying. Though this may not sound like they deserve their spot near the top of this list, then you are forgetting that there is always a possibility that the ghost could be Patrick Swayze and you can reenact that sexy pottery scene from the hit movie “Ghost.”

4. Slenderman

They don’t call him slender for nothing! But don’t let that discourage any of you size queens. He has multiple tentacles that he employs when he is aroused. Imagine the possibilities! If tentacles aren’t your thing, wait until he sucks you into the realm of darkness that is accompanied by the sweet sounds of children’s screams. He will have you squealing with delight!

3. Vampires

When people hear the word ‘vampire’ they think of the sparkly, romanticized version of the creatures that appear in the “Twilight” saga. Unfortunately the tweens that fell in love with Edward Cullen are missing out. Vampires as depicted in old Eastern European folktale are ancient creatures with translucent skin, scraggly unkempt hair, beady black eyes, and long fingernails – a look exponentially sexier than a 25-year-old British actor. If not for their ghoulish appearance, perhaps you may be drawn in by their ability to hypnotize and seduce you into dark, erotic adventures. And what is even more sexy is that they don’t let ‘that time of the month’ get in the way!

2. Frankenstein

The idea of multiple reanimated corpses mashed together to form one body is unappealing to some people, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The clumsiness of foreign parts that don’t belong to that brain will give you varying feelings of pleasure and will always leave you guessing what’s next. Not to mention that those cold limbs are coursing with enough electricity to leave a tingle up your spine.

1. Slimer

I know what some of you may be thinking, “Isn’t that the mischievous ghost from the Ghostbusters series and wouldn’t that mean he should be categorized with the other ghosts?” Yes, but you’re wrong. Slimer is not a ghost, he is a sex GOD. If you have seen him going to town on any food that is left laying around then you know how well he is going to ravage that pussy/bussy. And not to be too technical, but Slimer is made of pure ectoplasm, so he is always wet and ready to go.

Teen Listens to Real Music, Urges Others to Do the Same

By I.S. Mills

Scott Cordero, of Lawrenceville, doesn’t use his car radio.

“I don’t even let my friends put the radio on when I’m in their cars, because it hurts my ears so bad,” he says.

The teen can’t stand to hear Adele or Taylor Swift. He’s not a fan of Imagine Dragons or Katy Perry either.  

“Actually, I mean, Imagine Dragons has one or two good songs. Because they’re an actual band with like, drums and bass and everything,” Cordero amends.

He doesn’t spend much time with his mother or sister, who enjoy pop music. He claims that pop music is making his 16-year-old sister “crazy” and “stupider than she already is”.

Things I Wish I’d Known About College

By I.S. Mills

Some incoming freshmen feel adequately prepared for their first college experience just by relying on university orientations and the advice of friends and parents. But I would have loved to know some of the things I know now when I was a rising freshman. That’s why I’ve compiled a brief list of information to pass on to the freshmen of 2016.

1) Don’t Even Bother Packing Your Heels

You will wear your heels to class one time, and blisters you incur from this occasion will remind you to never walk to upper campus in anything but Sketchers with orthopedic insoles ever again.

2) Eels in the Soda Fountains

Picture this: you’re hankering for some SoBe™ Yumberry Pomegranate Lifewater™, but what comes out is solid and toothy. Don’t worry, everyone gets freaked out the first time they find a few juvenile morays at the bottom of their cup, but you’ll get used to it. (Just avoid the Mountain Dew- that comes with electric eels).

Couple Who Shares the Same Friend Group Breaks Up, Custody Battle Ensues

By Megan Klein

Two days ago, Juniors James Moore and Kelly Adams split. In what may be coined, “The Worst Break-Up of This Week,” a couple who actively shares the same friend group is now faced with a lengthy custody battle over who gets the friends. A series of passive aggressive and overdramatic sub-tweets about each other was discovered.

Dreams Come True, BITCH

By Jessica Simpson 
Matilda Reve, founder of Dreamscometruebitch101.org, was kind enough to sit down with the Pittiful News and reveal the secrets of her groovy new website.  Ever since Reve was a young girl, she could understand the subconscious. “My neighbor once had a dream that he went to the store and bought three pounds of Swiss cheese.  I just knew that meant he needed to eat more cheese.  There were holes in his diet that he couldn’t see.  He turned out to be a lactose intolerant sex addict but he did visit Switzerland. It’s like I have ESP or something,” said Reve.

Divorcée Professor Desperately Plugs Office Hours

By Phil Forrence

Dr. Leo Johns' 0616 Literature and Migration course took a turn for the worst last week when he finalized his divorce with his wife of eleven years. “He just won't stop talking about his office hours,” Marco Royce, Johns' student, laments. “He relentlessly tells of how much fun he and the students have there, but there are only twelve of us in the class and no one knows anyone who's gone to them.”

“They're a blast,” belts Johns, “Last week Maggie, good old Maggie, and her friend Jonathan swung by my office at 8 a.m. It was magical, we talked leisure, sports, arts and entertainment for hours. And I think those two love-birds might have a connection.”

“Nobody calls me Maggie,” clarifies Margret Ruffield.

Pittiful Profiles

You've seen The Pitt News Silhouettes highlighting University students, professors, staff who are doing amazing and interesting things on and off campus. Here at The Pittiful News, we would like to give a nod to those members of the community who are a little too extraordinary. 

Check out The Pitt News Silhouettes here to learn more about friends and neighbors. Keep reading to learn about your enemies.

 

Dead Light Bulb Spotter

By BD Wahlberg

“I calls ‘em as I see’s ‘em,” says Alex Turner, proudly indicating a long fluorescent tube as it flickers its last. “That’s what we call a death rattle in the biz. And by the biz, I mean the official business of figuring out which of the light bulbs are dead around this big old campus so that the guys at the top can come in and change ‘em.”

Lifting up a classroom ceiling tile, Turner explained, “Now, you might think this one’s dead ‘cause it’s not on, but in fact…” Turner pushed it slightly. “It’s actually just out of place. An NNTP. No. Need. To. Panic.”

Bat-Student

By Hannah Lynn

“Stop doing this profile on me I’m honestly not Batman,” said Pitt Junior Bruce Wayne. “My parents are from Transylvania and had never even heard of the character when they named me. I am a different Bruce Wayne,” he said before wrapping himself in his cloak and shuffling off into the night to solve crime and think about his dead parents.
“NO! No. NONE of that is true” Bruce Wayne yelled. But give him a break, his parents are dead.

Dan Smith
by Dan Smith

 He is a cool guy.