"No Looking Back Now," Says Man with Stiff Neck

By Leo Corman

Local man Owen Miller woke up this morning with a stiff neck, but he remained determined not to let that ruin his day. “I just can’t look back, I have to keep moving forward,” explained Miller. “Like I really, really can’t look back.” Unfortunately, Miller’s day did not improve from there.

Miller’s neck of the woods is out in the country—you could even call him a redneck. Lately, though, maintaining such a large, rural property has become a yoke around Miller’s neck. Miller’s many household duties (and a little too much necking with his wife) left him running late to his job as an electrical engineer in the city, forcing him to drive at a break-neck pace to cover the considerable distance.

After sitting in a traffic jam caused by a bunch of rubberneckers and arriving 45 minutes late to work, Miller’s troubles continued. Because he stuck his neck out on a recent project that went awry, Miller’s boss has been constantly breathing down his neck. A promotion he’s competing for compounded Miller’s worries.“The guy I’m up against almost seems dead from the neck up, he’s just so dense. Yet somehow, we’re neck and neck for the position,” said Miller, exasperated. Miller tried to have a productive day, but he was so completely up to his neck responding to emails and memos that he could barely get anything done.

Worsening this situation was a call from his 9-year-old son’s school at 1pm, saying that his son stole a girl’s necklace and was suspended. Miller left work and drove to his son’s school, where he walked into the principal’s office, grabbed his son by the scruff of the neck, and took him home. Despite his initial optimism, Miller had to admit that today had been one big pain in the neck. “My neck still fucking hurts,” he added.