Things I Wish I’d Known About College

By I.S. Mills

Some incoming freshmen feel adequately prepared for their first college experience just by relying on university orientations and the advice of friends and parents. But I would have loved to know some of the things I know now when I was a rising freshman. That’s why I’ve compiled a brief list of information to pass on to the freshmen of 2016.

1) Don’t Even Bother Packing Your Heels

You will wear your heels to class one time, and blisters you incur from this occasion will remind you to never walk to upper campus in anything but Sketchers with orthopedic insoles ever again.

2) Eels in the Soda Fountains

Picture this: you’re hankering for some SoBe™ Yumberry Pomegranate Lifewater™, but what comes out is solid and toothy. Don’t worry, everyone gets freaked out the first time they find a few juvenile morays at the bottom of their cup, but you’ll get used to it. (Just avoid the Mountain Dew- that comes with electric eels).

3) No Sunglasses

This one really surprised me. I had no idea that absolutely no sunglasses are allowed at college before I moved in. In fact, a security guard confiscated my Ray Bans before letting me into the bathrooms in Chevron on the first day of classes. Don’t make the same mistake I did!

4) The Centipedes

Boy howdy, are there a lot of centipedes here! Thousands, maybe millions!

5) Importance of Eye Contact

Sure, your high school teachers probably mentioned eye contact during presentations once or twice, but it’s super important to college professors. To be safe, I make eye contact with my professors whenever I enter or exit a room. If you wear glasses, be sure to take them off beforehand so the glass doesn’t get in the way of the surface of your eyeball rotating wetly against your professor’s. I wouldn’t recommend contacts, because they can fall out during the “ocular kiss.”