University Store Sells Customized Pitt Condoms

By Dippy Diplodocus
In preparation for the blizzard-like season predicted for the University of Pittsburgh, the University Store has stocked for the always school-spirited Pitt students lip balms, beanies, scarves and jackets all monogrammed with the classy blue and gold Pitt logo. Students no longer had to worry about keeping survivable bodily temperatures and moisturized lips without exuberating their vivacious reverence for their school.

Government Now Issuing Menstrual Cycles to Girls on 18th Birthday

A new amendment to the Affordable Care Act was passed this week. The government is now regulating menstrual cycles for all women under the ACA, presenting women with their first menstrual cycle on their 18th birthday, the passage into adulthood.
Healthcare industries and parents are excited about this addition as teenage pregnancy rates are going to decrease rapidly, in, that they will be non-existent. Dr. Nancy Pratt, Gynecologist at Magee Women’s Hospital and teen sex counselor, said, “studies are indicating a rapid decrease in teenage pregnancies after the passing of this law. Menstrual cycles normally occur at the age of 13 in American females, withholding this natural occurrence will prevent the fertilization of young women until they are considered adults and reputable human beings, sort of. Unfortunately, this may increase the rates of intercourse among teens and the potential increase of sexually transmitted diseases, but most importantly the law will eliminate shows like Teen Moms.”

A Day in the Life of Mica the Cat

The Pittiful News sat down with local pet, Mica the cat, to learn more about the daily life of Oakland pets. Unfortunately we were not able to understand Mica,we only heard, “Mrow! Mew mew mew. Meow. Mew. Mew. Mrow. Mew,” so we worked with Betsy Colton, cat translator.

Mica started with a jump off the couch, a tumble over a toy, and dash into the living room. Betsy noted this as a positive reaction translating to, “Human and I are great friends. We play together and she is a warm surface to lay on.” Human nodded in approval, surprised at Mica’s kind way of words, but nervous to see what her cat really has to say about her.

Edward Fortyhands Kills Three Pitt Students

Edward Fortyhands has been described by many Pitt students as “cool”, “fun,” and “pretty competitive, but in a good way.” He has helped bring people together, make parties more enjoyable, and even get people drunk, with happiness. This is why it comes as such a shock that this past weekend, Edward Fortyhands killed three students living in McCormick Hall.

Santa Letter of the Week!

Dear Santa,

It’s Jimmy here, writing my annual letter. I think I’ve been a good boy this year, except for that time I broke mom’s vase and blamed Christy. How are things at the North Pole? I hope you’ve had a good year. Oh wait, JUST KIDDING. I hope your year has been terrible. I hope your beard caught on fire. I hope eating all those cookies finally gave you diabetes. I hope Mrs. Claus didn’t let you touch her all year.  

Nerdy Geese Spotted Migrating in Rare "Flying Sigma"

U.S. to Invade the United States

U.S. will promptly begin a military intervention in the United States, President and commander-in-chief Barack Obama announced at a press-conference last Monday. Obama was quick to emphasize that it will be “not a war, but a helping hand to a struggling people.”

Unprocrastination Epidemic Hits Pitt

Students and faculty at Pitt scramble to reestablish order in the wake of the recent unprocrastination epidemic that hit the campus in the past two weeks. This semester, zero students did not procrastinate on studying for their final exams and writing their final papers—a staggering 7,000-percent increase from zero students in the past decade, a statistician said.

The number quickly spread through the media, local and federal officials, and medical experts. The investigations that the news sparked revealed that a similar increase has taken place on virtually all college campuses.

The Buyin' King

In the past few years, Black Friday sales have escalated from a simple post-Thanksgiving sale, to a violent display of consumerism. Last Friday, the crowds at a local Wal-Mart got out of hand and tragedy struck one family. Mufasa Lyons, 43, was stampeded to death by an overeager crowd rushing to get their hands on the hottest markdowns. He was at the sale with his son, Simba Lyons, who could not be reached for comment as he has disappeared.

NSA Agent Hacks into Her Secret Santa's Cyber Monday Cart, Discovers Disappointing "Silver Spoons" Boxset

It has been another difficult week for the NSA as agents around the department do damage control following a barrage of new internal leaks from former contractor, Edward Snowden. However, in an act of defiance to escape the negative vibes, Special Agent Ruby Smiths took it upon herself to search for some fun Fourth-Amendment-fraud with a dash of yuletide cheer. What she found would surely haunt her for the remaining holiday season.