Unprocrastination Epidemic Hits Pitt

Students and faculty at Pitt scramble to reestablish order in the wake of the recent unprocrastination epidemic that hit the campus in the past two weeks. This semester, zero students did not procrastinate on studying for their final exams and writing their final papers—a staggering 7,000-percent increase from zero students in the past decade, a statistician said.

The number quickly spread through the media, local and federal officials, and medical experts. The investigations that the news sparked revealed that a similar increase has taken place on virtually all college campuses.
“A 7,000-percent increase cannot be an accident and is far outside the statistical margin of error,” said Margaret Zlotnik, a bespectacled lady in a white lab coat. “This is a full-blown epidemic, and should be treated with the promptness and gravity it deserves.”

Perhaps the most dangerous aspect the epidemic, Zlotnik said, is that students are running the risk of “overworking and actually getting stuff done on time. Fun is an integral part of life, forgoing which leads to grim consequences.”  Cranking papers out the last minute, Zlotnik added, “makes students feel like heroes, thereby boosting their overall self-esteem.”  

White-coated experts are not the only ones to voice their concern over the 7,000-percent increase. A Pitt professor who wished to remain anonymous lamented on the behalf of all college professors that this epidemic will severely reduce the frequency and silliness of stupid mistakes that students makes in their panic-powered final exams and papers. “Then where’s the fun in grading them?” he asked wistfully.

Among the most influential fighters against the epidemic are entertainment such as YouTube, BuzzFeed, Facebook, Tumblr, Netflix, and PornHub, as well as major video game distributors. Along with producers of coffee and energy drinks, these companies receive most of their revenue in early December and late April, and were therefore worried that the epidemic would hurt them. In a nation-wide campaign against unprocrastination called Do It Later, or DIT, the aforementioned companies collaborated with college administrations to set up free 24/7 treatment and prevention centers on more than 509 college campuses. The centers feature multiple TV sets with movies and TV shows always on, computers with super-fast Internet connection and astounding graphics, and stations with free cleaning and home improvement supplies to aid students in their urgent need to fix and clean things in their dorm rooms and apartments.

“We must defeat the epidemic in its infancy,” says the DIT’s mission statement. “Otherwise, the consequences will be devastating, both to us and the students.”