U.S. to Invade the United States

U.S. will promptly begin a military intervention in the United States, President and commander-in-chief Barack Obama announced at a press-conference last Monday. Obama was quick to emphasize that it will be “not a war, but a helping hand to a struggling people.”

The intervention, he said, was first suggested by the Association of Bored Machos, or ABM, an organization whose membership has skyrocketed since the withdrawal of troops from the Middle East in the last few years. Representatives from ABM met with President Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry the previous Friday to draw his attention to a country in dire need of America’s unique place in global politics and world history.

“They told me of a country,” said the president, “where one percent of the population owns 34 percent of the country’s wealth and unemployment is strife while the national debt is soaring above ridiculous. They also showed me sad photos and sad videos of the country’s sad and poor people; that reminded me of our divine intervention in the Middle East and of my moral duty.”

President Obama also compared the country’s political climate to that of an absolute monarchy. “The government spies on its people and even international allies and is clearly dysfunctional, as the recent government shutdown over a healthcare bill showed,” the president said. “The country’s prisons have more inmates than the infamous Soviet Gulags did. I believe that it is our sacred duty to help the people in need and give them the gift of democracy and freedom.”

Kerry emphasized the necessity of an immediate intervention. “We fear that a country with such a powerful military and enough nuclear weapons to blow up the entire planet, coupled with a faltering government and embittered populace, is a sure route to instability in the region,” Kerry said. “Therefore our intervention is necessary for everybody’s greater good.”

Kerry also denied the allegations of hiring geologists to determine the exact locations of oil reserves to gobble up. “We already know where they are,” he assured the audience. “Not that it matters.”

William Blot, the president of the ABM, commended the president’s decision. “We don’t have a major enemy to worry about, and we have a nearby nation struggling under oppression,” he said. “To remain inactive would be criminal.”

At the end of the press-conference, Obama also announced an unprecedented move on his part. “Mr. Blot persuaded me to collaborate with Hollywood directors and screenwriters in orchestrating this intervention,” he said. “We always win there.”