The Buyin' King

In the past few years, Black Friday sales have escalated from a simple post-Thanksgiving sale, to a violent display of consumerism. Last Friday, the crowds at a local Wal-Mart got out of hand and tragedy struck one family. Mufasa Lyons, 43, was stampeded to death by an overeager crowd rushing to get their hands on the hottest markdowns. He was at the sale with his son, Simba Lyons, who could not be reached for comment as he has disappeared.


Mufasa’s brother, who wishes to remain anonymous and asked that we use the name “Scar” explains that Simba is actually responsible for the death. “If Simba had been paying attention and helped his father get that TV, then I’m sure we wouldn’t be in this mess. Where ever that boy is, he has his father’s blood on his hands,” said Scar.

Sarabi Lyons, Simba’s mother, says that he seems to have run away and left a note behind. “It says ‘I killed dad. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, but I can never come back.’ I can’t believe he would kill his own father,” she said. “How could a child orchestrate a whole stampede anyway? I’m pretty sure they just wanted the PlayStation 4.”

According to Sarabi, ever since her husband was killed, Scar has taken over as the patriarch of the family. “It’s awful,” she says. “He is acting completely the opposite of how Mufasa would act. He’s taken hold of all the Thanksgiving leftovers and is only rationing them out to his favorite nephews. We all deserve cold stuffing for breakfast.” Sarabi also explained that since Scar’s takeover, the lawn have been neglected completely. “We have almost two acres of land and he hasn’t been watering or plowing it or anything,” she said.

When asked to comment on the incident, the nephews whom Sarabi spoke of simply laughed.

Although the current scene is bleak for the Lyon family, Sarabi still has faith that it can be restored to its original glory. “I just hope Simba is out there somewhere and eventually returns, even if it’s not until he’s a grown man,” she said. “One day the fields will be alive with turkey again.”