Government Now Issuing Menstrual Cycles to Girls on 18th Birthday

A new amendment to the Affordable Care Act was passed this week. The government is now regulating menstrual cycles for all women under the ACA, presenting women with their first menstrual cycle on their 18th birthday, the passage into adulthood.
Healthcare industries and parents are excited about this addition as teenage pregnancy rates are going to decrease rapidly, in, that they will be non-existent. Dr. Nancy Pratt, Gynecologist at Magee Women’s Hospital and teen sex counselor, said, “studies are indicating a rapid decrease in teenage pregnancies after the passing of this law. Menstrual cycles normally occur at the age of 13 in American females, withholding this natural occurrence will prevent the fertilization of young women until they are considered adults and reputable human beings, sort of. Unfortunately, this may increase the rates of intercourse among teens and the potential increase of sexually transmitted diseases, but most importantly the law will eliminate shows like Teen Moms.”
Angry mom, Tracey Hittchins, of Cranberry Township vehemently disagrees with the timing of the new law. “Where was Obama a year ago when my slut of a daughter got pregnant at 16? Had he passed this earlier, I wouldn’t have her loser baby daddy living in my basement. Well, at least she is covered for the next year of her life,” said Hittchins.
The running list of positive outcomes from this law includes: elimination of teenage pregnancy, girls skipping school because of “really bad cramps,” irrational PMS symptoms, and the weird awkward puberty stage in middle school. The lives of teenage girls will be much improved.
Despite the positive impacts, many feminists are outraged by yet another effort by the government to control women’s rights and genitalia. There have been many protests outside of the White House with signs that read, “I want my period back!” “I have the right to shed my uterine lining!” “Women’s Rights. Period,” “I bleed on my own terms,” “There will be menstrual blood.”
This addition to the Affordable Care Act will take effect on January 1st 2014. The menstrual cycles of all girls under the age of 18 will cease only to restart on their 18th birthday once more. Happy Birthday and welcome to womanhood.