Enraged Americans Threaten to Look Up Their Congressional District Numbers, Congressmen's Names

Washington D.C. was truly shaken this morning when an anonymous tip sent to the Capitol indicated that a network of Americans known as "Voters" has threatened to learn their congressional district numbers as well as their congressmen's names. While the Pentagon has yet to evaluate the threat's credibility, the greater DC area is on high alert staffing all federal buildings with agents prepared to deal with such dangerous circumstance. "Be warned," declared President Obama, "These guards are full-ready to show you episodes of 'Boy Meets World' until you forget all this budget stuff happened. I mean, c'mon. Voting... more like BOR-ING! Topanga smooches Corey even though he's got that frizzy hair? Who could possibly turn that down!"

Speaker Boehner Says He Won’t Compromise Because His Wee-Wee Hurts

“Owie”, winced Speaker John Boehner as he took the podium at last night's press conference regarding stalled budget talks. The Speaker was visibly shaken, hunched over the teleprompter shifting his weight from one leg to the other occasionally jumping for three-or-four second intervals. The Ohio Representative paused for a moment to collect himself and let out a loud grunt before approaching the microphone.

Anarchists fail to plan party for government shutdown

For anarchists across America, the recent government shutdown over health care legislation is a dream come true. “For once, I don’t have The Man breathing down my neck. I never asked to be protected from asteroids! ” said a local graffiti artist who declined to be named.

Pittsburgh voted city with the most “meh” weather

Earlier this month, Pittsburgh was voted “City with the most ‘meh’ weather” by US Airways’ in-flight magazine. Pittsburgh ranked number one on the list, just surpassing Toledo, Ohio.

Editor-in-chief Boris Clump says the criteria included how aggressively people discussed the weather. He explained that since there is neither a huge amount of complaining or praising of the weather, Pittsburgh seemed “okay enough” for number one. 

Ethnicity spreading among students

The Pittsburgh University Student Health Center has released a warning to its student body about the dangerous increase in ethnicity on campus. According to the most recent reports, it’s possible that up to 22 percent of the population could be living with some form of ethnicness.

According to the report, symptoms of ethicness could be any of the following: a surreal ability to dance, a constant urge to study, or being the token ethnic friend in a group of overwhelmingly white people.

Man Still Pooping when Bathroom's Motion Sensor Lights Turn Off Comes to Terms with Being the Loneliest Man in the World

Alone and smelly, local man, Ronald Abraham, says he has finally accepted the universe’s role for him as “Most isolated organism in the cosmos” after the bathroom motion sensor lights went off on him mid-poop. “I’m just not sure where to go from here,” says Abraham as a small turd plops into the bowl creating an echo like whimpering pebbles in an abandoned quarry. “I’ve tried waving my arms around in the dark – in this pitch-black, Clorox-y chasm – only to realize it is indeed hopeless. So far, the only response I’ve received from man or machine is the automatic flusher spraying my behind two or three times as I adjust my posture. The flushes feel like spits of venom from the fabled basilisk inside his silent pit.”

Local Vegan Wearing Leather Boots

Petrucia Bower was spotted last Saturday walking around campus in a shiny new pair of Doc Martens. Bower, known for her activism as the campus representative for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PETA, caused major uproar around campus.

Mustachioed Putin trying out new looks

In what may be the fashion development of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin has been recently spotted sporting mustaches worthy of the world’s cruelest and most powerful leaders.
Hair first started to appear on Putin’s upper lip following the passage of a bill banning “gay propaganda,” which prohibits the distribution of information about homosexuality. Russian fashion expert Katinka Ingabogovinanana believes that this was to avoid a major faux-pas.

Obama Breaks from Prepared Notes to Assure Brent James that the NSA is not Spying on Him

In a recent speech to the ACLU, President Obama took a moment to break from the teleprompter to specifically assure Allstate associate and, quote, "perfectly upstanding citizen, Brent James, of beautiful 3997 West Cedar Hills Drive, Cedar Hills, Utah - right down the street from ol' 40° 24'36"N 111° 45'27''W", that the government is not spying on him.

The Election As Covered by Our Analyst Who Just Took a Hit of LSD

As we wrap up another grueling campaign in the American presidential system, it is important to note the shakeup of the partisan landscape. Democrats are pushing for greater enthusiasm atop a strong showing in the national polls. Republicans are looking to re-strategize and re-emphasize in accordance to rise of new factions and my teeth are getting itchy. Very, very itchy. It’s like I just ate pet dander.

Michelle Obama takes down Twinkies in Covert Attack

    Four years in and one of the most polarizing elements of President Barack Obama’s first term is still his infamous “kill list” through which he decides which enemies of the state live and die. The global scope and international implications of this war on terror, while intense, have overshadowed a similar growing war at home - First Lady Michelle Obama’s war on obesity. Though she only recently adopted her husband’s “kill list” strategy, she has already bagged her first target.

Nicolas Cage to Play Nicolas Cage in Nicolas Cage Biopic: An Interview

     A film production we all saw coming, Nicolas Cage has signed a $30 million development deal with Universal Studios to produce what Cage says is “the best movie since the Bible”. Our reporters then informed Mr. Cage that the Bible was not a movie but was, in fact, a book. Mr. Cage’s responded by asking if casting was still underway for the role of God.