Ethnicity spreading among students

The Pittsburgh University Student Health Center has released a warning to its student body about the dangerous increase in ethnicity on campus. According to the most recent reports, it’s possible that up to 22 percent of the population could be living with some form of ethnicness.

According to the report, symptoms of ethicness could be any of the following: a surreal ability to dance, a constant urge to study, or being the token ethnic friend in a group of overwhelmingly white people.
Above: Students lounging in their dormitory, completely unaware of who could be ethnic. To check for ethnicness, visit the Student Health Center.


The Pittsburgh University Student Health Center has released a warning to its student body about the dangerous increase in ethnicity on campus. According to the most recent reports, it’s possible that up to 22 percent of the population could be living with some form of ethnicness.

According to the report, symptoms of ethicness could be any of the following: a surreal ability to dance, a constant urge to study, or being the token ethnic friend in a group of overwhelmingly white people.

Health officials warn students that ethnic people should stick together in groups in order to avoid infecting the non-ethnics.

“The ethnicity virus is spreading across campus,” said Stacy Kilmer, member of the Coincidentally All Non-Ethnic Sorority. “I just can’t believe how many guys nowadays are into ethnic girls. It’s sad, really.”

John Smith is a Pitt U student and former ethnicity victim. “I never realized what I was until someone pointed out that I exhibited all the symptoms. It could happen to anyone.”

Unfortunately, the Pittsburgh University is not the first school to suffer from an influx of ethnic students. Many schools are instituting programs that give special treatment to ethnic students in order to accommodate the disability.

“They shouldn’t get any special treatment,” said Steve Whitehead, local pure-bred white person. “My family has been clean and ethnic-free for generations, and that doesn’t mean that we should be treated differently than victims of ethnicity.”

As more specific numbers as to how many students may or may not be ethnic are clarified, many students are taking steps towards solving the issue in their own way. The Pitt U Non-Ethnic Student Association campaigns for non-ethnic awareness and hold events that protest ethnic activities such as learning Spanish or mild forms of racial tolerance. They even hold rallies against twerking, a modern dance form commonly known to repel non-ethnics for unknown reasons.

“We’re just trying to stay away from all things ratchet and ethnic,” explains President of the NESA Bryce Thomas. “This so-called ‘diversity’ is sickening and a poison in our community.”