Man Still Pooping when Bathroom's Motion Sensor Lights Turn Off Comes to Terms with Being the Loneliest Man in the World

Alone and smelly, local man, Ronald Abraham, says he has finally accepted the universe’s role for him as “Most isolated organism in the cosmos” after the bathroom motion sensor lights went off on him mid-poop. “I’m just not sure where to go from here,” says Abraham as a small turd plops into the bowl creating an echo like whimpering pebbles in an abandoned quarry. “I’ve tried waving my arms around in the dark – in this pitch-black, Clorox-y chasm – only to realize it is indeed hopeless. So far, the only response I’ve received from man or machine is the automatic flusher spraying my behind two or three times as I adjust my posture. The flushes feel like spits of venom from the fabled basilisk inside his silent pit.”

To be honest, our 'Pittiful News' correspondent on-scene was starting to get a little lonely himself during the interview. Our correspondent remarked that just before he got up to leave the bathroom, he could hear Abraham begin to contemplate the isolated human condition as a whole eventually breaking a silence by screaming “There is no God! Will my ceaseless toils end in thine deafened defecation. Awaken ye fluorescent orbs!“ The lights then turned on as a janitor entered the bathroom just to tell Abraham to, quote, “Quiet down ya damn poop kid!”