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Hostess Brands is the maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread among other sweet treats. Though their recent closure was attributed by the media to the inability of executives to compromise between the company and union workers, the real story of Hostess’s closure came about by the covert, carefully coordinated raids and fluffy cream extractions by Mrs. Obama and her “Let’s Move” team.
“Like any war, this was both a physical and ideological battle,” said a former Let’s Move staff member who wishes to remain anonymous. “That’s why Hostess was the perfect first target.” In Mrs. Obama’s mind, Hostess and its flagship Twinkies stood as both a real contributor to childhood obesity as well as a symbol of empty, indulgent calories that turn men into monsters and monsters into flabby, out-of-breath monsters. Coupled with the low number of estimated civilian casualties, the choice was “an easy one,” according to internal White House memos from Mrs. Obama.
Operation “Party’s Over” began in June, when Predator drones began dropping payloads of carrots and celery outside of Hostess plants nationwide. “The idea was to win the hearts and minds of the people. However, the enemy culture was built around refined sugar and proved less than receptive to our efforts,” said our anonymous source.
The administration then attempted to work through economic sanctions, forbidding all public employees from purchasing or consuming Hostess products. Unfortunately, the largest consumer of Twinkies and Ding Dongs were overweight cops on the night shift. Police spokesperson, Morty Schmidt, chose to ignore the sanctions stating, “Who are ya, my mother? Shoot, where’d I leave my gun?”
Left with no other options, Mrs. Obama dispatched an elite team of Navy SEALS to invade Hostess headquarters in Irving, Texas. After securing the compound, they instituted a puppet Board of Directors, puppet CEO, and wildly unpopular puppet mascot for Twinkie the Kid, Government-Subsidized Yellow Sponge Cake the Young Adult. This puppet franchise would refuse the growing demands of union workers and drive the company quickly into the ground. The tactics worked culminating in last week’s closure.
While the actions of Mrs. Obama and Let’s Move have gone mostly unnoticed by the American public, they have put other calorie peddlers on high alert. While stalwarts like Pepsi and McDonalds have little to fear due to strategic alliances with Joe Biden’s late-night drive-thru demands, less powerful brands are panicked: The Keebler Elves are rumored to have started stockpiling choco-filling spew-goo cannons while Little Debbie was last seen fleeing for the mountains of Afghanistan.