I Lost My V-Card to a Corpse

By Megan Klein

One look at those long bony legs and lusting lips, and I wanted to bone. Like straight up bone this beautiful corpse I accidentally dug up. I know what you’re thinking: “Megan, why don’t you get a real boyfriend like everyone else?”

Well first off, I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m a cool gal that knows how to hang. Having a boyfriend is totally overrated when I need to be discovering ME-- my interests, my passions, what makes me tick. I need to date myself right now. I’m not saying that if you have a boyfriend your life is totally and completely over, but you do have a lot of restrictions. If that works for you, then great! But I sure love the freedom of being able to wake up in the morning and know I have my whole day ahead of me free of the distraction of love. I can gracefully accept cat-calls,  play video games, and even wear the kinds of shoes I want. All free from mutual caring and consideration by an S.O.

So when Skele-boy texted me, “You wanna hang?” I thought, this is my chance to lose my v-card to someone who doesn’t love me. That way, I never have to worry about catching the feelings plague. So I did it. And holy guacamole. We banged in his coffin until sunrise. We were cuddling, and he said, “Hey, can you go home?” So I did. An old lady ghost jealously glared at me while I gathered my clothes and promptly climbed out from his grave. What a hater. I am a strong, independent woman who is learning that life is about loving yourself, and knowing that boys will break your heart, but if you take out your heart and force them to eat it, they can’t hurt you.

Halloween Sex Tips

By Critter Fink

1. Empty a pumpkin out
2. Layer the guts in a 9X13 pan
3. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees
4. Bake the pumpkin guts for 10-13 minutes or until golden orange
5. Carve a penis shaped hole in the side of the pumpkin
6. Put the fully baked pumpkin guts back into the pumpkin
7. Put your penis into the hole
8. Feel the burns from the extremely hot guts surround your member 
9. Fuck the shit out of that pumpkin 
10. Go to the hospital to get your second and third degree burns treated
11. Give your number to the first nurse you see
12. Wait three days 
13. She will not have texted you in this time 
14. Find out where she lives
15. Bring the pumpkin that you originally fucked 
16. Put the pumpkin on her front porch
17. Break into her home
18. Murder her
19. Take her corpse home because you are now married
20. Empty out the innards in her body 
21. Put them in a 9X13 pan, lightly greased
22. Bake for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown 
23. Stuff her torso fill of the now  
24. Enjoy having a warm body in your bed again
25. Return to her home because you forgot your pumpkin you goof!
26. The police are there and you tell them you just need your pumpkin
27. Literally seven people saw you dragging the corpse out
28. Double check that the oven is off
29. The police will bring you to jail
30. You are now serving life in prison
31. Learn how to be a bottom bitch in prison
32. Get craaaazy good at giving head
33. Find a drug kingpin to be your zaddy

So if you want a cute and casual way to put some Halloween fun into you sex life this is the plan for you!

Halloween Decorations That Say You’re a Spooky Witch Down to F***

By Megan Klein

Need a way to tell your crush that you’re totally cool to do “stuff” without actually saying anything? Let’s these Halloween decorations do it all for you!

1. Candelabra - This one really says you know how to give good head. 

2. Cobwebs - Ooooh, spooky! Show your casual hook-up that they’ll never be able to leave or escape you with these hot webs of lusty love

3. A spooky doll - look at your crush, then look at your doll, then look back at your crush. Stare so deep into his eyes that your limbs begin to melt, and utter, “you have the same eyes." He’ll be flattered, and blush.

4. A wine glass that says “Witches Brew” - you did it! You’re officially a witch! How creepy chic of you! Now bewitch him into never leaving you. Before you know it, he’ll be proposing, then you’ll be married, then you’ll have five kids and he can never leave you for that nasty Brunhilda!

5. A jack-o-lantern - carve your crush into a big ol’ orange ball and roast the pumpkin seeds into a heart. His heart. He’ll marry you instantly, and you’ll die on the same day at the same time lying next to each other

6. Some spiders - real ones, so when they bite your crush, he turns into a mutant to everyone else, but stays beautiful to you so no crazy, crazy girl can fall in love with him. He loses all other sense of feeling, and becomes incapable of speech. He can only repeat, “I kiss you long long time”.

7. A casual knife - Use it to cut some apples to a sweet cider!

Heinz Chapel to Now Only Recognize Marriages Under the Church of Shrek

By Dana Good

At a controversial press conference on Tuesday, Heinz Chapel Head of Affairs Tracy Sylvester announced the famous landmark’s decision to only allow weddings under the church, “First Assembly of His Holiness Shrek”.

Solely You Caused the Drought in California

By Shannon Kelly

You are an upperclassman and you should have known better. It was O-week. You went out with your roommates on Saturday night. They heard about a party on Dawson, and even though you live in North Oakland, you decide it’s a go. When you arrive, the porch is about to give out. Someone hands you a green solo cup. You’re colorblind. Your roommate next to you sniffs the jungle juice like a wine connoisseur. It’s a red. Fruit Punch Kool-Aid..  

Study: Teachers Who Allow Formula Sheets Have Bigger Dicks

By Phil Forrence

A recent study out of the University of Pittsburgh suggests that professors who allow students to use custom formula sheets on math, science, or engineering tests have a heftier endowment than those who do not.

“Well, hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves,” said Dr. James Townsend. “Just because a professor allows equation sheets on midterms doesn't necessarily mean he has a larger inseam.” Trends don't control the reality of the individual, he explained. “In my case though, yeah, I got one swinging peen.”

Dr. Samuel Lincoln is the head of the Computer Engineering department at Pitt. “We should be careful talking about these studies,” said Lincoln. “Correlation isn’t causation. Just because I allow my students a single note card, front and back, for each Micro-Electronics test, doesn’t mean I have a Johnson worth singing about.” There is not necessarily a one to one relationship between allowing flashcards and a large penis. “But if we’re talking specifically about me, yeah, I got one slangin’ bangin’ sex nightmare.”

“It's actually an old teaching adage that if you allow equation sheets, you might have a more expansive ‘manhood’,” explains Dr. Elizabeth Brooks, professor of chemical engineering at Pitt. “In my experience, that isn’t true 100% of the time.” Here, she implicates anecdotal evidence that not all teachers who help their students out have the aforementioned enhanced state of being. “If we’re talking about me though, I got one enormous hanky-panky stanky love making monstrosity.”

I Lived It: My Death

By Riley Weber

For as long as humans have existed, philosophers and laymen alike have wondered, is there life after death? Many speculate, but I believe that I finally have the answer. Following a recent near death experience, I witnessed the afterlife firsthand and came back to tell the tale. Here is my incredible story.

It began as I was running late for class. I had just gotten coffee from Starbucks, and needed to rush across Fifth Avenue. I was so focused on drinking coffee and watching this great gif on my phone, you know, the one with the cat on the hoverboard, that I forgot to look left. All I can recall was a flash of red, a loud horn and then things went black. Next, I felt a gust of cool, neat air blowing past my face. I looked up and saw a bright fluorescent light, near blinding. The air smelled clean and artificial. I heard the soft beeps of a checkout line and I knew I could only be in one place, a Rite Aid. I took a step inside and a kind-looking old woman handed me a smiley sticker.

“Do stores still do this?” I asked

“Here we do, sweet child.” She said, and began to shuffle away.

Puzzled, I began to look around. I looked down an aisle and it seemed to carry on endlessly. The next one appeared to as well. I walked perpendicular to the aisles, examining the wares. The shelves were pristinely stocked with anything you could need; Easy Mac, lotion, hair ties, tacky Halloween decorations, 3 packs of underwear for some reason, and yes, even tonic water, shelves upon shelves on tonic water. I looked up and realized I had been walking for ten minutes and still could not see the end to the aisles.

Could this be the afterlife? Was this magnificent, austere Rite Aid all that was in store for us? I grabbed a pack of on-sale gummi worms and made my way to the registers, to search for answers. I reached the counter and again I found the same old lady that greeted me.

“Are you the only employee here?”

“My dear, this is a Rite Aid. Of course we’re understaffed.” She said with a wise smile. “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

“No. I need to know what this place is.”

The old woman chuckled. “That’ll be $2.06,” she replied.

I swiped my card through the machine. It buzzed annoyingly.

“It’s one of those chip-reading ones they just unnecessarily invented,” she explained.

I stuck my card into the reader and felt a hard shock. I hurried to grab my card and got another jolt. I blinked and the next thing I saw were two paramedics above me, holding a defibrillator.

“Sir, are you ok?!”

I smiled knowingly. “Yes.” I told them. “We’re all going to be alright.”

Op/Ed: People I Would Elect Before Donald Trump

By Dan Smith

-Bernie Sanders

-Hillary Clinton

-Elizabeth Warren

-Michelle Obama

-Stephen Colbert

-John Stewart

-Lil B

-John Green

-Kanye West

-Ophelia from Market Central

-Chance the Rapper

-My mom

-Emma Watson

-Vermin Supreme

-Oprah

-Ellen Degeneres

-Leslie Knope

-The hacker from Cyberchase

-Finn the Human

-Alex Trebek

-Literally any cat

-Joe Biden

-Roc the Panther

-Lincoln Chafee

-Jimmy McMillan

-Hulk Hogan

-Steve Harvey

-The moon emoji

-Billy Ray Cyrus

-Bill Murray -Either of the Sprouse twins -Both of the Sprouse twins -Louis C K -Al Gore -A dead squirrel -Morgan Freeman -Beyoncé -Jaden Smith -Bryan Cranston

-John Cena

-An ant farm

-Two ant farms

Survival Guide for When You Forget Your Headphones

By Jessica Simpson

Everyone knows the dreaded feeling of looking in your pockets only to realize you forget your headphones at home. Now you have to be alone with your thoughts. What a nightmare! We’ve created this handy survival guide for what to do if you should encounter such a fate.

Professor Sleeps with Student to Raise Rate My Professors Score

By Leo Corman

Pitt professor Joseph Schmoe has become the subject of significant controversy after news surfaced today that he had sex with one of his students in an attempt to raise his subpar rating on the popular website RateMyProfessors.com.

According to Schmoe, it all began last year when, against his better judgment, he looked up his own Rate My Professors score. “I was absolutely taken aback. Sure, maybe I’m not the best professor out there,” said Schmoe, visibly distressed. “Maybe I’m not the easiest, or the friendliest, or the most attractive, but Jesus Christ, I’m a college professor, not your Hooters waitress. And 1.2? 1.2! I know damn well that I’m not a 1.2!”

“Dove Chocolate Sayings Made Me Do It!” Says Local Arsonist

By Rachel Boward

“I’m innocent!” David Davidson boldly exclaimed as he unceremoniously collapsed to his knees outside a Pittsburgh police department Monday afternoon, “It was Dove Chocolate, they made me do it.” Davidson is accused of initiating a spree of house fires Friday evening which led to the mild terror and first degree burns of several South Oakland residents. However, against the urging of his legal consultants, he refuses to plead guilty to the charges brought against him. He instead blames “Dove Chocolate Sayings” for manipulating him into lighting the match.

In a wild turn of events, Davidson’s seemingly incoherent plea may not be unfounded. In a search of the suspect’s third floor apartment late Saturday night, dozens of the iconic Dove Chocolate candy wrappers were found amongst empty Sorento’s pizza boxes and half completed Chemistry assignments. Such seemingly innocent sayings as, “Do Something Spontaneous” and “Temptation is fun...giving in is even better!” meant to inspire the typical middle-aged female population suddenly turned dark in light of recent events. Even darker still were the sayings on the wrappers found lodged deep into the crevices of the stained mustard yellow La-Z-Boy recliner in the bedroom of the perpetrators home. “‘Make someone melt today’ and ‘Don’t settle for a spark, light a fire instead’, these are real quotes seen on the back of these candy wrappers. If these are found to be authentic, we might have a real epidemic on our hands,” Police Chief Henry McHenry boldly proclaimed in a press conference early Monday morning.
In a Pittiful news exclusive interview Sunday night, we got the real scoop on the darker findings of the investigation. “Yes, it’s true,” Jack Jackson revealed, “…there are more.” With a helpless grimace, Jackson opens the old Crocs shoebox sitting ominously in the center of the dirty Starbuck’s table. With a gasp, Richardson pulled out a single wrapper from amongst the hundreds of crumpled tin foil specimens that lay inside. “‘Gas stations are always a good place to find the ingredients to start a fire…in your heart,’” Richardson reads in a hushed tone, “No way, this can’t be.” Many more eerily specific quotes such as, “Strike the red end, no, no, against the box, you idiot, not your hand”, and “Okay, now just pour the gasoline onto the apartment, good, good girl, er, boy” could be glimpsed shining in the dim light at the top of the pile. If these wrappers are indeed the real deal, this may go deeper than anyone could ever have expected. “This could be government deep,” Jackson whispers, cringing at the sight of the empty shells in the box before him.
Whether a government conspiracy, mass-media cover-up, or simply the musings of a deranged chocolate factory worker, one can’t deny that for the first time in human history, eating an Almond Joy could’ve saved the world a whole lot of grief. The trial begins Tuesday.

Pitt Deserves A Better Rival Than Penn State

By Milo Davis

Almost one month ago to date, a Penn State student laid out some pretty strong opinions about his once proud school ahead of its first game in 16 years against the superior Pittsburgh Panthers. Alas, all the hubris and willful ignorance in the world couldn't save the Nittany Lions from succumbing to our complete and total awesomeness. On that fateful September afternoon we all discovered one totally objective truth: Pitt’s ethereal glory should never, ever be mentioned in the same breath as those Penn State heathens.

Fall Flavored Drugs

By Megan Kline

A leaf fell, and you know what that means. IT’S FALL! It’s officially the best season of the year, so why not celebrate with some new seasonal flavored drugs? Pre-game those pumpkin patches and apple orchards with the latest and greatest seasonal selections! MMM…Fall sure is addicting!

1. Pumpkin Spice Smack

Yum! Starbucks has nothing on this sweet new flavor, available at your local drug dealer for a limited time only. It’s a favorite!

Local Naïve Freshman Doesn’t Know She Wants to Be Dead Yet

By: Riley Weber

“College is so amazing. I love the people, the city and my classes. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life,” were the words freshman Tess Kopanski tweeted after her first week of classes. This tweet, along with several other joyful tweets sent shortly thereafter, have sent ripples through the upperclassmen community who all thought, in unison, “Aw, that’s adorable.”