Heinz Chapel to Now Only Recognize Marriages Under the Church of Shrek

By Dana Good

At a controversial press conference on Tuesday, Heinz Chapel Head of Affairs Tracy Sylvester announced the famous landmark’s decision to only allow weddings under the church, “First Assembly of His Holiness Shrek”.

“We have let all those other stupid and made-up religions trample over us for too long,” said Sylvester of the historically non-denominational chapel, “It’s time we show our undying devotion to our lord and savior Shrek, once and for all.” An official list of changes that will be made to the chapel was released following the press conference.

Some of the alterations include: painting the famous red front doors a “swamp green”, carving “Shrek yo-self before u wreck yo-self, motherfuckers!!” above the chancel, and requiring all sheet music to be replaced with Smash Mouth’s 1999 hit song “All Star”. When asked for further questioning on these new changes, Sylvester removed her blazer, revealing a t-shirt that read, “Farquaad can eat my green ogre ass” and proceeded to shout, “I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?” Construction will begin in early October and the Chapel will re-open in early November.