How To Break The Ice On A First Date

 by Jessica Simpson
 

1. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden.  Bitches love pasta.
2. Take a lesson from Pathfinders and avoid traditional ice-breaking techniques.
3. Buy an ice sculpture in the shape of a giant cube, a swan, or Cupid.
4. Carry said sculpture with you in a red wagon to the restaurant. Beware of bumps on the sidewalk or people mistaking the sculpture for your child.
5. Arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes before your date.  The element of surprise is vital.
6. Have a waiter bring the ice to your table after you’ve eaten all of the breadsticks.
7. Take out your spare hammer, knife, or small chainsaw and start to hit the sculpture violently.  Put your back into it.  The cold never bothered you anyway.
8. Don’t forget to bring an extra hammer, knife, or small chainsaw for your date—you can’t break the ice alone.
9. The ice must not melt!  Vanilla Ice, Ice T, and Ice Cube all recommend that if the task proves too slippery, you and your potential lover must tackle the sculpture.
10. If that doesn’t work out just crush some ice cubes from a glass of water with your fist and call it a day.

Op Ed: Oscar Nominations an Embarrassment to the Film Industry

By Hannah Lynn

The first thing I saw this morning when I looked at my phone was that this year's Oscar nominations had been announced. I quickly scanned the list of actors and directors nominated before confirming what I already knew: the Oscars are run by a bunch of stodgy old white men who can't recognize good art when they see it.

Local Woman Issues Cease and Desist to Friend Who Constantly Messages Disgusting Things

By Dippy Diplodocus

After being on the receiving end of several months’ worth of “unsolicited, inappropriate communication,” Oakland resident Kuki Sanban had had enough and decided that it was time to take legal action. This came in the form of a cease and desist letter, issued to Abigail Lincoln, who also resides here in Oakland and is a good friend of Kuki’s.

“Since our middle school days, Abigail has always been a wild card,” said Sanban. “But lately she’s been taking things too far. Day in and day out, she sends me these very gross, often sexually explicit text messages. I kept asking her to stop, but it didn’t seem like I was getting through. I felt that I had to do something drastic.”

Floor Takes Uncanny Liking To RA

By Milo Davis

A floor in a freshman residence hall has finally caught the attention of university officials with their unusual behavior. Ever since the start of the fall semester, students living on floor 20 of Tower A have shown an extreme amount of interest in their resident assistant, Sarah. According to reports, the majority of the decorations that adorn floor 20 were not put up by the RA, but they do feature the RA. Pictures pulled from her Facebook profile grace the hallway walls, and an intricate shrine to her infinite greatness displays proudly in the communal bathroom, a now sacred spot for the floor’s denizens.

Scientists: Not All Pictures Worth 1000 Words

By Phil Forrence

This picture is worth very few words:
 

Top Ten Best Newberry Medal Honored Book Titles

By Dippy Diplodocus

The Pittiful News presents a list of the top 10 best-named Newberry Medal Honored book titles. These are not made up. These are all completely real children’s books that have not only been published but won awards.

1. “Gay Neck, the Story of a Pigeon”
2. “...And Now Miguel”
3. “Good Masters! Sweet Ladies! Voices from a Medieval Village”
4. “Millions of Cats”
5. “Runaway Papoose”
6. “Doll Bones”
7. “The Pigtail of Ah Lee Ben Loo with Seventeen Other Laughable Tales and 200 Comical Silhouettes”
8. “Calico Bush”
9. “Pancakes-Paris”
10. “Queer Person”

X = 5, Mathematicians Announce

By Ilya Yashin

At an emergency press conference last night, held only 12 hours before the homework was due, a team of over-caffeinated top American mathematicians announced that x = 5. “We got it! We got it! X equals five!” they screamed, high-fiving and fist-bumping each other, to the relief and cheers of the audience.

“Okay, so you see these two sets of parentheses here and here?” said Jeremy Pelson, Professor Emeritus at MIT, pointing at the first of four lines of the solution to the problem reportedly worth 20 points total with possible partial credit. “FOIL them, then divide by x-squared on both sides and combine this thing with this one here, factor out the coefficients and solve for x and you’re done!”

Quiz: Are These One Direction Lyrics or Serial Killer Quotes?

By Shannon Kelly

1. “I was brainwashed into killing Debbie Ackerman and Maria Johnson in November 1971.”
2. “We’re like na na na then we’re like yeah yeah yeah”
3. “I’ve killed so many women I have a hard time keeping them straight”
4. “Katy Perry’s on replay, she’s on replay, DJ got the floor to shake, the floor to shake”
5. “If everytime we tuh-uh-touch, you get this kind of ruh-uh-ush baby say yeah yeah yeah”
6. “I just wanted to see how it felt to shoot Grandma”
7. “Tonight let’s get some and live while we’re young [guitar solo]”
8. “I just said that the Hawkin’s girl’s head was severed and taken up the road about twenty-five to fifty yards and buried in a location about ten yards west of the road on a rocky hillside.”
9. “The demons wanted my penis”
10. “So we laugh at na-na-nothing”
    

Dad Impressed Son Has Friends To Do Drugs With

By Phil Forrence

Monroeville, PA – “He was just never very cool.” Explains local father, Chris Pultonek,who is surprised at his son’s recent involvement with drugs. “He's not very good looking, he peed his pants until he was nine, and once called the teacher 'mom', but on purpose.” He continues, “It's nice to see that at least someone will rip a bong with him.”

Drug use is considered dangerous for many teens. Even relatively safe narcotics like marijuana can be a gateway to a life of addiction and ruin. Sixteen-year-old Cedric Pultonek, Chris's son, has weighed these points. He has chosen to take the risk. His father expresses a small amount of worry, but can't hide his wonder that people willingly hang out with his son.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Found Alive at 82

By Phil Forrence

Washington D.C. - Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was found alive in her home in Washington D.C. early Thursday morning. Reports say the justice lived peacefully in her sleep from a condition developed at birth.

Family members said they became suspicious the night before when they continued to smell her over-the-counter bunyon ointment, and continued to hear violent, shallow snoring during re-runs of Who's the Boss?

Justice Ginsburg's body was discovered by her daughter, Jane, around 7 a.m. ET. “She just woke up when it was time for her morning plasmapheresis” reports Jane. “It's so hard to believe she's still with us.”

RBG survives through her work. A cautious liberal, a staunch advocate for women's reproductive rights, and the only Justice to request pre-chewed tacos on Taco-Tuesday, Ruth Bader Ginsburg lives on through her influence on this nation and its highest court.

Study: Your Winter Despair Predicts Groundhog Day Outcome

By BD Wahlberg

Feeling empty and numb? Haven’t had a date since August? Missing your 11am class? The cold driving you inside where your only friends are your dark room and blankets? Are those friends dirty because you lack even the energy to do laundry?

Then you’re in luck! A new study out of Pittsburgh University has shown that the worse you feel and the more you ruminate on those feelings of worthlessness, the more likely it is to be cloudy on Groundhog Day, meaning Punxsutawney Phil won’t see his shadow, which means Spring will come early! As long as you keep telling yourself that the people in your life are stupid for liking you, come Feb. 2, we won’t be slated to trudge through six more weeks of winter!

A Small Poop on the Toilet Seat is actually an Urgent Fecal Matter.

By Ariel Pastore-Sebring

“Help me! I can’t breathe,” squealed the little poop as bathrooms goers, one after another, ran from the stall where Jeremy lay. He was already starting to dry out and it had only been 20 minutes since his birth mother had excreted him, thus separating him from his incubating brothers and sisters. Not only was a lone soldier on this mission, but his cannon had poor aim and left him stranded on this seat, inches away from touchdown. During the blast he lost all of his weapons except his precious piece of corn that he had been saving for weeks. He reminisced of the day that the corn kernel came to him, barely touched, begging him to take care of it. He looked down at the kernel that was wedged into his side and felt reassured that at least he had this precious gem.

Daughter Reject Daddy’s Invitation

By Holly Stavarski

Richard Dwyer had been planning this day for months. With the Daddy-Daughter Dance quickly approaching, he knew had to make the perfect proposal. He had a prepared a series of clues that led his “little princess” to a horse drawn carriage, where she was blindfolded and escorted to small rustic farmhouse that he had reserved and carefully decorated in pinks and purples. A trail of puppies led the “sweet angel of his life” to the backyard, where the self-proclaimed father of the year was kneeling. Once his “beautiful darling baby” took off her blindfold, he proposed.

“Will you go to the Daddy-Daughter Dance with me?”

He never imagined what would come next. Lily Dwyer, the five-year-old “dear light” of Richard’s life didn’t hesitate.

Famous Musician Takes High Road, Doesn’t Urinate On Local Minor

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Hip-hop hit-maker T-Klot, of “Takin’ Em Out” fame, passed on an opportunity to urinate on a mostly nude 14 year-old Saturday evening. During a post-concert party at a local residence, Kim Williams, a freshman at Penn Hills High School, allegedly offered sexual favors to T-Klot. Travis “T-Klot” Kane, 28, remarked, “I’ve kind of got it all right now. "Taking ‘Em Out” was just number one for 3 weeks, I just played a sold-out show, and I’ve got drugs and women thrown at me left and right.”

When asked if he considered Williams’ proposal, T-Klot was candid. “Yeah,” he replied, “I mean, the chick was hot, definitely looked at least 15. And everyone’s doing it. I seriously almost did, but like, then I remembered it’s kind of illegal.” Following T-Klot’s rejection, Williams called her mother for a ride home. Later that evening, T-Klot micturated on the naked breasts of an unknown 19 year-old woman on the back porch of the residence. “Oh, I definitely did that,” T-Klot admits, “you gotta piss somewhere, you know?”

Local Woman In Despair About Spending Valentine's Day Alone Conjures Up Imaginary Friend To Ease The Potent Sting Of Loneliness Before Realizing The Friend Is Merely Her Own Reflection In The Mirror

By Hannah Lynn
 
She could not be reached for comment.

Teen Struggles to Rebel Against Liberal Parents

By I.S. Mills

A local teen, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported on Monday that he is “going crazy” looking for ways to rebel against his open-minded, supportive parents. The teen claims he has been trying to seriously anger his parents since age fourteen.

“First I tried smoking cigarettes, but they chalked that up to youth and bought me Nicorette for whenever I was ready to quit,” he said. “Then I snuck out a few times, but my mom got teary when I told her about it because it reminded her of being a kid and she told me to ‘keep on keeping on,’ whatever the hell that means.”

7 Easy Ways to Make Your Crush Fall in Love with You Before Valentine’s Day

By Megan Klein

Who doesn’t want to feel loved by more than an empty box of chocolates that you bought for half off on the day after Valentine’s Day? Never worry again about missing out on the big V-day with these easy tricks to take your crush from the inescapable monotony of being unnoticed, to a first class ticket to the bone zone.

1. Wear all black to achieve a sexy look, and light a circle of candles to spark the mood.
2. Facebook stalk your crush by looking at pictures of them in their awkward high school years. Browse some of their most embarrassing posts, including “Like for a tbh” from 2010. Like it. Print out a picture of your dearly beloved, and place it in in the center of the candles.
3. Fill a chalice with the blood of your enemies, and recall all the anger and frustration of your youth. Drink this blood with the ferocity of a beast, craving a hollow release. After you have quenched your ungodly thirst, prepare a lamb to be sacrificed. Ensure it is properly bound, and carefully tie a cloth over its mouth to stop the screaming.
   

‘Eating Ass OK in 2016, not OK to Enjoy It... Yet’ Experts Say

By Grant Wicklem

 

Researchers and historians at Pittsburgh University have officially given the green light to ass-eating in 2016. From their scientific journal, Sexual Tendencies, these pundits conclude that “...eating ass is now not only socially acceptable - but scientifically acceptable - thus necessary for the progression of human sexuality.”

Harold Plugg, Rectal Expert (with specialty in Analingus), and contributor to the journal, has maintained that ass-eating is a biological imperative that we should not repress.

“When someone has more crack than your shitty coke dealer, it’s in our genetic coding that we wish to feast,” said Plugg.

Really Cool Animals - A Comprehensive List

By Danial Smith

Jaguars

Hawks

Turtles

Poison Dart Frogs

Squids

Falcons

Rhinoceroses

Polar Bears

Sharks

Dolphins

Lemurs

Ferrets

Lobsters

Grizzly Bears

Pelicans

Cats

Ostriches

Antelopes

Wombats

Porcupines

Bats

Kangaroos

Parrots

Ladybugs

Starfish

Seahorses

Gray Catbirds

Kermode Bears

Iguanas

Cuddlefish

Llamas

Panda Ants

Flamingoes

Pangolins

Peacocks

The Pornstar Nickname Generator:

By: Cat Goddess69

First Name

Birthday Month:

January Turgid

February Carnivorous

March Uncircumcised

April Monsieur

May Drippy

June Shameful

July Juicy

August Hairy

September Yeasty

October Gargling

November Cock-Juggling

December Skanky

Last Name

Birthdays:   

   

1st        Booty Wizard   

2nd        Mammoth Cock   

3rd     Mummified Egyptian

4th     Citrus Tits

5th     Kumquat Squeezer

6th     Horse Fucker

7th     Cockadile Cunter

8th     Professor Clitwick

9th     Face toilet

10th     Milk Sprayer

11th     Leather Dick

12th     Steve Jobs

13th     Pussy Pounder

14th     Gender-ambiguous seawhores

15th     Meredith

16th    Nipples

17th    Cheese Slurper

18th    Bitch-ass Aunt Joyce

19th    Michael Cera

20th    Semen Whale

21st    Dildo Hoarder

22nd    Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

23rd    Bun Stopper

24th    Krabby Patty Secret Recipe

25th    Clit Wrangler

26th    Barack Hussein Obama

27th    Ghost of Christmas ASS

28th    Tip

29th    Cum Dumpster

30th     Crochpot Dinner

31st         Hurricane Irene