7 Easy Ways to Make Your Crush Fall in Love with You Before Valentine’s Day

By Megan Klein

Who doesn’t want to feel loved by more than an empty box of chocolates that you bought for half off on the day after Valentine’s Day? Never worry again about missing out on the big V-day with these easy tricks to take your crush from the inescapable monotony of being unnoticed, to a first class ticket to the bone zone.

1. Wear all black to achieve a sexy look, and light a circle of candles to spark the mood.
2. Facebook stalk your crush by looking at pictures of them in their awkward high school years. Browse some of their most embarrassing posts, including “Like for a tbh” from 2010. Like it. Print out a picture of your dearly beloved, and place it in in the center of the candles.
3. Fill a chalice with the blood of your enemies, and recall all the anger and frustration of your youth. Drink this blood with the ferocity of a beast, craving a hollow release. After you have quenched your ungodly thirst, prepare a lamb to be sacrificed. Ensure it is properly bound, and carefully tie a cloth over its mouth to stop the screaming.
   
4. Sacrifice the lamb with a hefty dagger, and, using the blood of this once wholesome animal, draw thirteen pentagrams around the room.
5. Meditate. Balance your chakras and focus on the burning hatred inside of you to conquer all things that belong to the light. Feel the weight of the world and conquer it with the cruel hand of misfortune.
6. Invoke the powers of Hell. Ask Satan for energy and become one with the darkness. Read a prayer of solitude, such as:

I pray to thee that darkness shall find comfort in this place

I pray my soul will set fire to the good in this world

May the Four Crowned Princes of Hell bless me with the power and evil to set forth and bear witness to a destruction like none other

Hail Satan! Hail Satan!

Utilize the Hell fire and anguish inside of you to become one with the darkness, a fierce enemy in a world that has no hope. Scream into the blackness that has become your soul and transcend into a demonic creature. Erupt into catharsis and envision the spilled blood of your darkest enemies like a shower of rain from the heaven that does not exist. Bind yourself to the everlasting ruthless Hell fire and pledge what is left of you to Satan.

7. Add a little extra eyeliner to make your eyes pop, and bam! That crush is all yours!