Teen Struggles to Rebel Against Liberal Parents

By I.S. Mills

A local teen, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported on Monday that he is “going crazy” looking for ways to rebel against his open-minded, supportive parents. The teen claims he has been trying to seriously anger his parents since age fourteen.

“First I tried smoking cigarettes, but they chalked that up to youth and bought me Nicorette for whenever I was ready to quit,” he said. “Then I snuck out a few times, but my mom got teary when I told her about it because it reminded her of being a kid and she told me to ‘keep on keeping on,’ whatever the hell that means.”

The local youth claims he has tried everything from coming home drunk to plastering a bumper sticker on his van supporting the Communist Party of China. When he is feeling down, his mother shares videos of inspiring slam poetry on his Facebook page.

“I can’t even listen to good music anymore. I tried listening to alt-j but apparently my dad loves that band so now I have to listen to like Avenged Sevenfold and shit so he won’t try to connect with me about music,” he lamented. “I fucking saw him at a show one time, but luckily he didn’t see me, thank god. Imagine being afraid to see your own father at a punk festival.”

Despite his despair, the teen reports that not all is lost. Earlier in the month, he discovered that his mother did not know the meaning of the internet acronym “tl;dr” (“too long; didn’t read”).

“Hell no, I didn’t tell her what it means. I’m gonna use it as much as possible now,” he said.