Super Seniors Track Terrifying Party Animal

By B.D. Wahlberg

Previously! Chief Nemesis Crippling Debt dealt with deftly; Shapeshifting Super Senior Justice League Leader Major Changer finally a graduate; Super Speedy Whirlwind of (previously) bad decisions, Downward Spiral now leading; and B.D. Wahlberg inducted as The Power-Nap!

Recent pre-Halloween parties have been breaking up early in some rather bloody finishes. Mauled students claim that a real live panther, quote, “was suddenly all up in here and like tried to bite my face off and shit!” No one ever remembers having let a panther in the front door, quote, “You don’t have a stamp on your hand, you didn’t give me five bucks, get the fuck out, kid!” But everyone remembers its exit, quote, “You think I would scratch up my own carpet?! Shit, I’m trying to get my security deposit back at the end of all this. Fuckin’ panther, yo!”

The Super Senior Justice League has been swinging around the party scene in the ScholarShip (don’t worry, Future Shock is designated driver), staying on high alert while gettin’ down. We’re bumpin’ to “22” at that house with the cut-out of Nordy in the window on Oakland Ave – suddenly! Shrieks of panic, a howl and a broken pane of glass. Downward Spiral chases after the mountain cat as Miss’d Graduation provides emergency medical care. Before heading back to the Secret Super Senior (and Señiorita) Solitude Sanctum, we found a clue. The tattered remains of a Pitt Band hoodie, hanging on the broken window.

Downward Spiral was back to our base by the time we had the hoodie up as lost on Pittsburgh University’s Free & For Sale Facebook group. “Of course I lose it in Panther Hollow; damn forest cat’s a quick shit.” Miss’d Graduation reappeared from lab analysis, “These tatters aren’t from being torn off of a band kid. This hoodie burst off of a band kid! D.S. … I think we’ve got a WerePanther on our hands!” Downward looked solemnly as she picked at a hole in her jeans and faced the wall of monitors. “Power-Nap, get some rest, if you snooze, we might not lose!”

Will the Super Seniors subdue this partying pupil turned pernicious panther? Will the Power-Nap prove to be a promising participant? Will that guy ever get his security deposit back!? Find out! At www.PittifulNews.com!