Pittiful News Staff Obituaries

Unfortunately, the entire Pittiful News staff has perished over the course of a few weeks. This is an honest tragedy, but we are lucky that most of them composed their own obituaries before death.

Stephen Jaindl

Stephen Jaindl died in a ball pit yesterday.  He shall be remembered.

 

John Meyer

John Meyer is presumed to be dead after falling into a pit of quicksand on the Cathedral lawn early Thursday morning. As he has no living relatives, Meyer left his fortune of professional wrestling memorabilia to The Las Palmas Foundation®. His last wish of having Brendan Fraser and Cuba Gooding Jr. sing “Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi at his funeral was not fulfilled.

Holly Stavarski

"I’ll be back."

Mike Citrola

Champion hot air balloon artist, Mike Citrola, died on April 26th upon being struck by a bus. A strong advocate for looking both ways, he ignored his own advice to avoid saying hello to someone he knew on the sidewalk. Citrola is survived by a hundred empty cartons of
Whole Grain Goldfish, and his snake-themed punk band, Tonguesniff.

Hannah Lynn

On Saturday night, Hannah Lynn died tragically as she was set aflame while also being devoured by wolves. She is survived by her Neopets.

 Louis Lobron

Louis Lobron, 18, was killed yesterday as the victim of a tragic thought experiment. He was standing on a bridge, admiring the scenery and the occasional passing train, when he noticed several toddlers beginning to play in the middle of the tracks. He began to panic as a train approached. Luckily for the tots, a passerby returning from his Introduction to Ethics course recognized the dilemma immediately, and acting as to ensure the most happiness for the most possible people, promptly threw Lobron’s body off the bridge in front the speeding train, stopping it in its tracks, thus saving the children. Lobron, theoretically loving son of John and Sarah, speculatively devoted brother of Irene and Fae, will be dearly missed.

Steven Boyd

Local newspaper editor, Steven Boyd, was killed during a routine tummy-tuck when doctors took out all of his vital organs and stomped on them. When his grieving family requested a response from Pittsburgh University Medical Center, Chief Dr. William Streuss replied, “These things happen.”

Ben Wahlberg

Ben finally succeeded in their dream death last Thursday Rush Hour: causing a thrity-six car pile-up at Fifth and Bigelow due to inconsiderate, unpredictable biking habits. Nobody, but our dear Ben, was injured. Paramedics on the scene wiped tears from their eyes as Ben’s still-functioning earbuds played ELO into the distance.

Will Connor

Will passed away on the 8th of April this—WAIT GUYS I’M NOT DEAD!—was a valued member of—OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY? I’M FINE.—his parents,—PLEASE STOP—and is survived by—WHAT THE FUCK I DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS—funeral will be—I SAID I’M NOT DEAD!  WAIT, WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT—please excuse that interruption.  Will passed away on the 9th of April this year…