Kung Fu Master Tired of Random Challenges

By John Meyer

Local martial arts champion and hero Tony Kalinski has expressed frustration at the flurry of random physical challenges imposed on him after being chosen to represent Western Pennsylvania at this year’s Mid-Atlantic Kung-Fu Extravaganza!

In only the past four days, Kalinski has been challenged or randomly assaulted a total of 33 times, mostly in places that he describes as “full of expensive and breakable stuff.” The assaults have occurred at all hours of the day, ranging from simple fist-to-fist challenges to more elaborate ambushes.

Fortunately, none of the challenges have been particularly trying for the martial artist. “It’s pretty weird, because a lot of times there will be like 20 guys that surround me, but they all come one at a time, so it’s not that hard,” Kalinski remarked. “If they would all rush me at once, I couldn’t handle them, but since they never do that, I win every time.”

According to Kalinski, regional qualifiers in martial arts tournaments are often subjected to months of challenges from other disgruntled fighters who were not deemed worthy to enter the tournament. “It’s actually a pretty cool system, because the winner constantly has to prove himself,” he explained. “At the same time, though, it would be nice if we had some kind of quiet hours rule. I mean, when I’m watching 'Bad Judge' or 'George of the Jungle 2: Rhino’s Revenge,' the last thing I want is to have to throw another dude through my newly-repaired window.”

Other challengers are less sympathetic, however. “I qualified for state wrestling tournament in my senior year of high school, and I think that merits some consideration,” explained local cobbler Cuba Gooding Jr II. “So I’m gonna keep coming back until he taps out.” When asked why he was licking his lips, Mr. Gooding Jr. II yelled, “that’s none of your damn business!”

When asked about his opinions in relation to Kalinski’s situation, local ghost Abraham Crawford screeched, “booooooooooo!” and then “why are you asking me this question?”

As of press time, Kalinski threw kicked two men in the face at once and then stared at another guy until he ran away.