The Pittiful News Singles Meat ‘N Greet

By Mike Citrola

We here at The Pittiful News are tremendously grateful for all the readers who participate in our fundraising initiatives. As you likely know, we make money by selling t-shirts and hosting parties at bars, but our most overwhelmingly successful fundraiser is always our annual Singles Meat ‘N Greet. This event is Pittsburgh’s primary romantic butchering night, going down on April whateverth on the sidewalk, by the burnt-down doghouse village on Ophelia Street.

When you arrive at the Meat ‘N Greet, you will be paired with another attendee based on our one compatibility criterion: butchering skill. We provide the goggles, aprons, bone-saws, meat-grinders, meat-hooks, meat-knives, meat-flags, meat-staplers, blood-buckets, wine-buckets, meat-buckets, bone-bags, wet-wipes, and smooth jams. All you have to bring is a donation of your choice and a capacity for romantic love.

Get ready to meat the love of your life. And seriously, be ready to fend off some hungry, recently homeless dogs. The residents of the former doghouse village refuse to leave the neighborhood, and are as hungry for meat as you are for human companionship. But don’t fret! If we here at The Pittiful News know anything, it’s that most butchering tools can be used as weapons, and that dog is one of the easiest meats to butcher. It’s a win-kill a stray-win!

“Me and Kerin fell in love at last year’s Meat ‘N Greet,” said Pittiful reader Marv. “I helped her skin a lamb, and before I knew it, we were splashing each other with lamb’s blood and making out below the meat tables. We’re divorced now, but boy we had some fun.”

So come throw us a bone (literally) at The 15th Annual Pittiful News Singles Meat ‘N Greet! This event is BYOB (bring your own beer).